Miranda July - The First Bad Man

I drove to the doctors office as if I was starring in a movie Phillip was watching windows down, hair blowing, just one hand on the wheel. When I stopped at red lights, I kept my eyes mysteriously forward. Who is she? people might have been wondering. Who is that middle-aged woman in the blue Honda? I strolled through the parking garage and into the elevator, pressing 12 with a casual, fun-loving finger. The kind of finger that was up for anything. Once the doors had closed, I checked myself in the mirrored ceiling and practiced how my face would go if Phillip was in the waiting room. Surprised but not overly surprised, and he wouldnt be on the ceiling so my neck wouldnt be craning up like that. All the way down the hall I did the face. Oh! Oh, hi! There was the door.

DR. JENS BROYARD

CHROMOTHERAPY

I swung it open.

No Phillip.

It took a moment to recover. I almost turned around and went home but then I wouldnt be able to call him to say thanks for the referral. The receptionist gave me a new-patient form on a clipboard; I sat in an upholstered chair. There was no line that said referred by, so I just wrote Phillip Bettelheim sent me across the top.

Im not going to say that hes the best in the whole world, Phillip had said at the Open Palm fundraiser. He was wearing a gray cashmere sweater that matched his beard. Because theres a color doctor in Zurich who easily rivals him. But Jens is the best in LA, and definitely the best on the west side. He cured my athletes foot. He lifted his foot and then put it down again before I could smell it. Hes in Amsterdam most of the year so hes very selective about who he sees here. Tell him Phil Bettelheim sent you. He wrote the number on a napkin and began to samba away from me.

Phil Bettelheim sent me.

Exactly! he yelled over his shoulder. He spent the rest of the night on the dance floor.

I stared at the receptionist she knew Phillip. He might have just left; he might be with the doctor right now. I hadnt thought of that. I tucked my hair behind my ears and watched the door to the exam room. After a minute a willowy woman with a baby boy came out. The baby was swinging a crystal from a string. I checked to see if he and I had a special connection that was greater than his bond with his mother. We didnt.

Dr. Broyard had Scandinavian features and wore tiny, judgmental glasses. While he read my new-patient form I sat on a meaty leather couch across from a Japanese paper screen. There werent any wands or orbs in sight, but I braced myself for something along those lines. If Phillip believed in chromotherapy that was enough for me. Dr. Broyard lowered his glasses.

So. Globus hystericus.

I started to explain what it was but he cut me off. Im a doctor.

Sorry. But do real doctors say Im a doctor?

He calmly examined my cheeks while stabbing a piece of paper with a red pen. There was a face on the paper, a generic face labeled CHERYL GLICKMAN.

Those marks are?

Your rosacea.

The papers eyes were big and round, whereas mine disappear altogether if I smile, and my nose is more potatoey. That said, the spaces between my features are in perfect proportion to each other. So far no one has noticed this. Also my ears: darling little shells. I wear my hair tucked behind them and try to enter crowded rooms ear-first, walking sideways. He drew a circle on the papers throat and filled it in with careful cross-hatching.

How long have you had the globus?

On and off for about thirty years. Thirty or forty years.

Have you ever had treatment for it?

I tried to get a referral for surgery.

Surgery.

To have the ball cut out.

You know its not a real ball.

Thats what they say.

The usual treatment is psychotherapy.

I know. I didnt explain that I was single. Therapy is for couples. So is Christmas. So is camping. So is beach camping. Dr. Broyard rattled open a drawer full of tiny glass bottles and picked one labeled RED. I squinted at the perfectly clear liquid. It reminded me a lot of water.

Its the essence of red, he said brusquely. He could sense my skepticism. Red is an energy, which only develops a hue in crude form. Take thirty milliliters now and then thirty milliliters each morning before first urination. I swallowed a dropperful.

Why before first urination?

Before you get up and move around movement raises your basal body temperature.

I considered this. What if a person were to wake up and immediately have sex, before urination? Surely that would raise your basal body temperature too. If I had been in my early thirties instead of my early forties would he have said before first urination or sexual intercourse? Thats the problem with men my age, Im somehow older than them. Phillip is in his sixties, so he probably thinks of me as a younger woman, a girl almost. Not that he thinks of me yet Im just someone who works at Open Palm. But that could change in an instant; it could have happened today, in the waiting room. It still might happen, if I called him. Dr. Broyard handed me a form.

Give this to Ruthie at the front desk. I scheduled a follow-up visit, but if your globus worsens before then you might want to consider some kind of counseling.

Do I get one of those crystals? I pointed to the cluster of them hanging in the window.

A sundrop? Next time.

THE RECEPTIONIST XEROXED MY INSURANCE card while explaining that chromotherapy isnt covered by insurance.

The next available appointment is June nineteenth. Do you prefer morning or afternoon? Her waist-length gray hair was off-putting. Mine is gray too but I keep it neat.

I dont know morning? It was only February. By June Phillip and I might be a couple, we might come to Dr. Broyards together, hand in hand.

Is there anything sooner?

The doctors in this office only three times a year.

I glanced around the waiting area. Who will water this plant? I leaned over and pushed my finger into the ferns soil. It was wet.

Another doctor works here. She tapped the Lucite display holding two stacks of cards, Dr. Broyards and those of a Dr. Tibbets, LCSW. I tried to take one of each without using my dirty finger.

Hows nine forty-five? she asked, holding out a box of Kleenex.

I RACED THROUGH THE PARKING garage, carrying my phone in both hands. Once the doors were locked and the AC was on, I dialed the first nine digits of Phillips number, then paused. I had never called him before; for the last six years it was always him calling me, and only at Open Palm and only in his capacity as a board member. Maybe this wasnt a good idea. Suzanne would say it was. She made the first move with Carl. Suzanne and Carl were my bosses.

If you feel a connection, dont be shy about it, shed once said.

Whats an example of not being shy about it?

Show him some heat.

I waited four days, to spread out the questions, and then I asked her for an example of showing heat. She looked at me for a long time and then pulled an old envelope out of the trash and drew a pear on it. This is how your body is shaped. See? Teeny tiny on top and not so tiny on the bottom. Then she explained the illusion created by wearing dark colors on the bottom and bright colors on top. When I see other women with this color combination I check to see if theyre a pear too and they always are two pears cant fool each other.

Below her drawing she wrote the phone number of someone she thought was more right for me than Phillip a divorced alcoholic father named Mark Kwon. He took me out to dinner at Mandarette on Beverly. When that didnt pan out she asked me if she was barking up the wrong tree. Maybe its not Mark you dont like? Maybe its men? People sometimes think this because of the way I wear my hair; it happens to be short. I also wear shoes you can actually walk in, Rockports or clean sneakers instead of high-heeled foot jewelry. But would a homosexual womans heart leap at the sight of a sixty-five-year-old man in a gray sweater? Mark Kwon remarried a few years ago; Suzanne made a point of telling me. I pressed the last digit of Phillips number.