Magnus Mills - A Cruel Bird Came to the Nest and Looked In

As the clock struck ten, Smew opened the register.

Let us begin, he said. Chancellor of the Exchequer?

Present, said Brambling.

Postmaster General?

Present, said Garganey.

Astronomer Royal?

Here, said Whimbrel.

Present, said Smew.

Present, said Whimbrel.

Comptroller for the Admiralty?

Present, said Sanderling.

Surveyor of the Imperial Works?

Present, said Dotterel.

Pellitory-of-the-Wall?

Present, said Wryneck.

Principal Composer to the Imperial Court?

Present, I said.

His Exalted Highness, the Majestic Emperor of the Realms, Dominions, Colonies and Commonwealth of Greater Fallowfields?

Smew waited but there was no response. We were seated at a round table, with nine chairs spaced evenly apart. One of the chairs was larger and better-upholstered than the others. It was empty. Smew peered at the unoccupied place for a few moments. Absent, he said, putting a cross in the register.

From my position opposite Smew I could see the register upside down. I noticed that this cross was the latest in a long succession of crosses; the rest of us had all received ticks.

There was one further entry to make.

Librarian-in-Chief? said Smew.

He inclined his head slightly to acknowledge his own presence, before adding a final tick. Closing the register, he glanced over at the clock.

Well wait for a quarter of an hour, he announced.

So we remained there in silence as fifteen minutes marched slowly by. On my left sat Whimbrel; then came Sanderling, Garganey, the empty chair, Wryneck, Smew, Dotterel and Brambling. On the walls around us hung portraits of several previous emperors; but none, yet, of the new incumbent. The clock stood in the corner of the room. A tasselled cord dangled from the ceiling. Lying on the table were our blank notepads and our pencils. There was nothing else.

After a while Whimbrel began passing the time by drawing circles on his pad, but he ceased when Smew gave him a stern look. Respite came only when the clock chimed the quarter hour. At once the mood lightened considerably.

Well, now, said Smew. May I suggest we adjourn the meeting? After all, in the absence of His Highness there is very little for us to discuss.

Can we assume that this absence is merely temporary? enquired Wryneck.

Without doubt, replied Smew. A brief hiatus in the affairs of state; nothing more.

Seconded then, said Wryneck.

Carried, said Smew.

The two of them conferred for a short while, then Smew looked across at me and asked, Do you know where the cake is?

Yes, I said. I took a walk in that direction yesterday afternoon, and again during the evening.

Met your troops yet?

No. Not yet.

In due course, then?

Yes.

Good.

Over to my left I thought I sensed Garganey stirring slightly, but he made no comment.

All done? said Wryneck, gathering up his notepad and pencil.

This was taken as a signal that the meeting was over. Soon we were all rising to our feet.

Cabinet resumes next Monday at ten oclock, Smew informed us as we dispersed.

I headed out through the door and down the steps, thankful that a conclusion had been reached so quickly. I hadnt got very far, though, when Garganey caught up with me. Can I have a word? he said.

Certainly.

I was just wondering if you kept your card?

Yes, I said. As a matter of fact, Im carrying it with me.

From my inside pocket I produced a large envelope bearing the words: ON HIS MAJESTY'S IMPERIAL SERVICE.

I handed it to Garganey.

Thanks, he said. What Im actually interested in is the postmark. Ive only recently taken over as Postmaster General and Ive begun studying the workings of the penny post.

I didnt know you were new, I said.

Oh, yes, said Garganey. Ive been in office a comparatively short time. He examined the postmark closely. Ah, thought so.

What?

Can you remember when this arrived?

The day before yesterday, I said. I came straight to court.

Well, it was posted more than three weeks ago.

Really?

See for yourself.

Garganey handed back the envelope and I looked at the postmark. Sure enough, it was dated almost a month previously.

Sorry, I said. I never noticed.

Its not your fault, he said. Obviously the postmen have been shirking some of their obligations.

So it appears.

Ill have to see what can be done.

I returned the envelope to my pocket.

Right, I said, preparing to move on. Ill bid you good-day then.

Garganey stood staring distractedly into the distance. He plainly had something further on his mind.

Then he said, Smews got a bit of a cheek, hasnt he?

How do you mean? I asked.

Taking over the meeting the way he did.

Well, I said, I suppose somebody had to.

Thats twice in two weeks.

Oh, I didnt know that.

Then there was all that questioning you about the cake: its none of his damned business!

To tell the truth, I said, I wasnt really bothered.

Thats not the point, said Garganey. Smew is Librarian-in-Chief: he holds no other title. Simply because hes been here the longest doesnt authorise him to lord it over the rest of us. Were all officers of the empire and were all equal in the hierarchy. Its not up to him to conduct cabinet meetings.

Well, hopefully His Majesty will be back next week, I ventured. By the way, do we know where he is, exactly?

No, said Garganey. The formal explanation is temporarily absent, which could of course mean anything.

While we were talking I spotted Whimbrel go wandering towards the observatory. Hed asked me earlier if Id like to go up and have a look around the place, so after making my excuses to Garganey I set off in pursuit.

The observatory stood in some parkland at the top of a grassy hill, slightly isolated from the rest of the royal court. The approach was via a long, curving path followed by a steep flight of steps. When I arrived at the door I found Whimbrel fumbling with his keys.

Oh, hello, he said, as I joined him. Glad you could come. I saw you talking to Garganey but I didnt want to interrupt.

Did you know he was a recent arrival as well? I enquired.

No, I didnt, answered Whimbrel. That makes three of us then.

He found the correct key and unlocked the door. Once inside, we climbed an iron staircase until we came at last to a large octagonal room with tall, narrow windows.

Here we are, he said. Welcome to my domain.

On a table were some huge charts, all lying on top of one another in complete disarray. Closer inspection revealed that they were maps of the stars.

These should be useful, I remarked.

Indeed, said Whimbrel. Frankly, Ive no idea how Id manage without them. All the stars look identical to me.

Im sure youll learn them after a while, I said. Fortunately, theyre all fixed in their constellations, so once you know them you probably wont forget.

I went to a window and gazed out.

Theyre all fixed, are they? said Whimbrel. Well, thats definitely a fact worth knowing. Thank you.

My pleasure, I replied. Tell you what, why dont I come back this evening and we can have a proper look?

If you really dont mind.

Of course not.

That would be most helpful.

Mind you, I said, Im surprised you havent got a telescope.

Oh, there is a telescope, said Whimbrel. Its up on the roof.

Ah.

Doesnt work though.

It must do, I said. Youre the Astronomer Royal.

I assure you it doesnt.

Show me.

Very well, said Whimbrel, if you insist.

At the top of the staircase was a ladder that went up through an aperture in the ceiling. Whimbrel led the way and a minute later we opened a tiny door to emerge on to the flat roof of the building. There, perched on a stone pillar, was a telescope. It appeared to be a substantial piece of equipment, housed in a thick metal casing and painted bright blue. When I looked into the eyepiece, however, I could see nothing; nor would the telescope move when I tried to alter its angle. Instead, it remained locked in the same position, aimed at a point somewhere below the horizon. As such, it was entirely unsuitable for the purposes of astronomy.