Erwin Mortier - My Fellow Skin

IT WAS IN THE DAYS BEFORE I had learned to talk properly. Hardly anything had a name, everything was body. Standing in front of the mirror my father drew the razor blade over his cheeks, stretched his neck and gently scraped the foam from his Adams apple. He eyed his face narrowly from under his lashes, the curve of upper lip, the lower lip, the chin.

His dressing gown hung loosely over his shoulders. Behind him, in the bath, I was rocking in the waves he had made getting out, pulling the water with him. The solemn silence between him and his reflection gave everything an extraordinary clarity. I can still see, as sharply as I did then, the wet hairs bunching on his shins. In the mirror, above the slumbering sex and milk-white stomach, a track of curly hair rose from his navel to fan out on the shallows of his chest, where I could see his heart beating.

He had run the bath until it was half-full. He had strewn soapflakes in the water and had rinsed the sting from my eyes when he washed my hair. Clean-shaven now, he scooped water over his cheeks, turned to face me and held out his hands.

Come on, arms up now, he said.

I lolled weightless in his arms. I shook in all my joints as he dabbed at my ears with a clean towel and rubbed my skull dry. I clung to his calves.

Sitting, legs splayed, on the lowered lavatory seat, he waited for me to steady myself, took my hands in his and ran the back of his thumb across my nails. Lets check, he said, and see if all ten of them are still there. And if there was any dirt left underneath.

Finally he dressed me in my bathrobe and opened the door to let me out.

*

I stepped out of the bathroom like a prince, into the dusky corridor. Ahead of me, past doors behind which rooms drowsed, the corridor tunnelled through the house. Some rooms were familiar, others not. To the left was the door to the cellar, concealing a flight of brick steps, damp and glistening with salt crystals. To the right was the playroom with the building blocks and the dolls I didnt trust because they remained sitting down, even when I wasnt looking.

There were so many things waiting to be baptised. Anything without a word to it was too pagan and savage to be left alone. I had to lay my finger on everything within reach.

I could smell the kitchen, a whiff of drains and of hams in gingham sacks hanging from hooks in the rafters.

Someone called my name. A hand detached itself from the shadows by the chimney piece and lightly brushed my cheek, but I did not stop. From the far side of the stove I heard the pious creak of a wicker chair. Next thing I knew, my ear was given a playful tweak.

My mother busied herself taking plates from the cupboard and theatrically banging them down on the table.

Anton, she cried. Anton, little man. Dancing about in your bare feet like that youll fetch up with a tummy ache.

I took no notice. It was a time for cutting cords and chasing hens in the yard, even though that wasnt allowed.

In the recesses of the house, where the corridor forked in two and the light was rarely switched on, I felt a stab of fear. This place, inhabited by aunts and cousins in summer but deserted and soulless when they were gone, was home to the dreaded grandfather clock. Its slow beat always seemed to threaten me as I approached, but when I tiptoed past, it continued ticking quite harmlessly. Now the clock was silent. My father had stopped it, so no-one would be disturbed by the quarter-hourly chimes it sent ringing through the rooms.

*

He knew what was best for everyone in the house. He knew who wouldnt mind the morning sunlight and who was more partial to the west-facing rooms with the rambler rose outside the window, scenting the air after every shower as if death were at its heels. Come the lazy nights of August with the occasional thunderstorms, I would hear him get up to rescue cousin Flora from the cellar, where he would find her cowering in the space between the freezer and the bottle racks with an upturned saucepan on her head. He would unclench the rosary from her fingers, lift the saucepan off her hair, put his arms around her and say, Its not the Germans, Flora. Just a bit of thunder.

The things that scared me were not yet inside me, but around me. I sought out my fears to check if they were still there to make sure they hadnt taken it into their heads to abscond to other places, the better to pounce on me when I least expected. I checked for new shapes in the gloom under the stairs, where the silenced clock filled the air with mute indignation. A door opened a crack and something with worn-down claws padded across the floorboards towards me, wagging its tail. A moist nose snuffling at my toes made me cry out in fearful delight. Not until I cried out again did the hoped-for response come.

Hear that? a voice boomed from one of the rooms. Our little man. Over here, lad. Lets have a look at you.

The soft cooing of amused aunts guided me to the right door.

The three of them were sitting at the round table, drinking gin. There was Michel, who lived with us summer and winter in two separate rooms, enveloped in clouds of snuff and the stale smell of Molly his dog. Next to him sat Odette, a gawky creature with long arms like a praying mantis. At the other side of the table Alice, red-haired and flushed, offered me her unconscionably soft cheek to kiss.

Hes a fine mountaineer already, said Michel, slapping his thighs invitingly. Watch this.

I planted my feet on top of his, gripped his knees with my hands and walked up his shins.

Up you go, up you go, the Aunts chanted.

Once at the summit I slid on to his lap. My fingers groped their way up his shirt, button after button, until they reached his chin. Bare skin at last. Stubble. Papery wrinkles. Chapped lips.

He leaned over me to reach for his drink, raised the glass to his lips, took a leisurely gulp and replaced it on the table, out of harms way.

I put my hands up to his cheeks and smacked them in protest.

You cant have any of that, the Aunts said, laughing. Far too strong. Youd mess your trousers.

He pulled faces and gave me broad winks, stuck out his tongue and wagged his head from side to side. You cant hurt me. Youre too little. Its milk you should be drinking. Milk and nothing else.

I can still feel the palm of his hand against the back of my head, his thumb rubbing the hair on my neck the wrong way.

He was about to say something. I saw him swallow and press his lips together, then open his mouth so that his back teeth showed, but there was no sound.

He nodded and nodded, and I nodded along with him. Ullo, I cried. Ullo, ullo, ullo.

I could hear his breath rasping against the roof of his mouth, and deeper down, struggling in his larynx to drag the words from his stomach, as though he had to forcibly expel them from his spasming torso.

Suddenly my pleasure capsized and I was gripped by a fathomless fear, no doubt because of the Aunts shrieks of horror. Everything went dark.

*

Someone, perhaps my father, snatched me from his lap. Someone else, probably my mother, must have called the doctor.

He had fallen sideways to the floor. Hands flew to mop his brow, straighten his legs and slip a cushion under him, to pull off the slippers, then the socks, and to massage the soles of his feet, which already felt cold.

My mother took me to the kitchen and plied me with milk and chocolate, with crayons and pictures, to distract me from the commotion in the corridor, where someone hurried to answer the doorbell.

A moment later my father came to the kitchen. With his hand on the doorknob and half-hidden behind the door, it was as though he didnt want me to see him. He glanced at my mother, shaking his head.