Roddy Doyle - The Snapper

Youre wha? said Jimmy Rabbitte Sr.

He said it loudly.

You heard me, said Sharon.

Jimmy Jr was upstairs in the boys room doing his DJ. practice. Darren was in the front room watching Police Academy II on the video. Les was out. Tracy and Linda, the twins, were in the front room annoying Darren. Veronica, Mrs Rabbitte, was sitting opposite Jimmy Sr at the kitchen table.

Sharon was pregnant and shed just told her father that she thought she was. Shed told her mother earlier, before the dinner.

Oh my Jaysis, said Jimmy Sr.

He looked at Veronica. She looked tired. He looked at Sharon again.

Thats shockin, he said.

Sharon said nothing.

Are yeh sure? said Jimmy Sr.

Yeah. Sort of.

Wha?

Yeah.

Jimmy Sr wasnt angry. He probably wouldnt be either, but it all seemed very unfair.

Youre only nineteen, he said.

Im twenty.

Youre only twenty.

I know what age I am, Daddy.

Now, theres no need to be gettin snotty, said Jimmy Sr.

Sorry, said Sharon.

She nearly meant it.

Im the one tha should be gettin snotty, said Jimmy Sr.

Sharon made herself smile. She was happy with the way things were going so far.

Its shockin, said Jimmy Sr again, so it is. Wha do you think o this?

He was talking to Veronica.

I dont know, said Veronica.

Is tha the best yeh can do, Veronica?

Well, what do YOU think?

Jimmy Sr creased his face and held it that way for a second.

I dont know, he said. I should give ou, I suppose. An throw a wobbler or somethin. But whats the point?

Veronica nodded. She looked very tired now.

Jimmy Sr continued.

If she was

He turned to Sharon.

You shouldve come to us earlier before, yeh know an said you were goin to get pregnant.

The three of them tried to laugh.

Then we couldve done somethin abou it. My God, though.

No one said anything. Then Jimmy Sr spoke to Sharon again.

Youre absolutely sure now? Positive?

Yeah, I am. I done

Did, said Veronica.

I did the test.

The test? said Jimmy Sr. Oh.Did yeh go in by yourself?

Yeah, said Sharon.

Did yeh? Fair play to yeh, said Jimmy Sr. Id neverve thought o tha.

Sharon and Veronica looked at each other, and grinned quickly.

Jimmy Sr got down to business.

Who was it?

Wha?Oh. I dont know.

Ah now, Jaysis!

No, I do know.

Well, then?

Im not tellin.

Jimmy Sr could feel himself getting a bit angry now. That was better.

Now, look

They heard Jimmy Jr from up in the boys room.

THIS IS JIMMY RABBITTE ALL OVER IRELAND.

Will yeh listen to tha fuckin eejit, said his father.

Leave him alone, said Veronica.

Jimmy Sr stared at the ceiling.

I dont know.

Then he turned to Sharon again.

Why wont yeh tell us?

Sharon said nothing. Jimmy Sr saw her eyes filling with water.

Dont start tha, he told her. Just tell us.

I cant, Sharon told the table.

Why not?

I just cant, righ.

Jimmy Sr looked across at Veronica and shook his head. Hed never been able to cope with answers like that. If Sharon had been one of the boys hed have walloped her.

Veronica looked worried now. She wasnt sure she really wanted to know the answer.

Is he married? Jimmy Sr asked.

Oh my God, said Veronica.

No, hes not! said Sharon.

Well, thats somethin, I suppose, said Jimmy Sr. Then why

Veronica started crying.

Ah Veronica, stop tha.

Linda ran in.

Daddy, Darrens after hittin me.

She was getting ready to cry.

Jesus! Another one, said Jimmy Sr.

Then he spoke to Linda.

Ill go in in a minute an Ill hit Darren an you can watch me hittin him.

Can I?

Yeah, yeh can. Now get ou or Ill practise on you first.

Linda squealed and ran away from him. She stopped at the safe side of the kitchen door.

Can Tracy watch as well? she asked.

She can o course. Now, your mammy an Sharon an me are havin a chat, so leave us alone.

Jimmy Sr looked at the two women. The crying had stopped.

THIS IS JIMMY RABBITTE ALL OVER IRELAND.

Oh good Jesus, what a house! Is he queer or wha is he? Jimmy Sr asked Sharon.

No, hes not. Hes alrigh; leave him alone.

I dont know, said Jimmy Sr. Tha gear he wears. He had his trous

Thats only the fashion.

I suppose so. But, Jaysis.

He looked at Veronica. She just looked tired again.

This is an awful shock, Sharon, he said. Isnt it, Veronica?

Definitely.

Make us a cup o tea there, love, will yeh.

Make it yourself, said Veronica.

Ill make it, said Sharon.

Good girl, said Jimmy Sr. Mind yourself against the table there. Good girl. Youre sure now hes not married?

Yeah, hes not, said Sharon, at the sink.

Then why wont yeh tell us then?

Look, said Sharon.

She turned to face him.

I cant, an Im not goin to.

She turned back to plug in the kettle.

Will he marry you? Jimmy Sr asked her.

No. I dont think so.

The louser. Thats cheatin, tha is.

Its not a game! said Veronica.

I know, I know tha, Veronica. But its his fault as much as Sharons. Whoever he is. It was his flute tha-

Daddy!

Well, it was.

Its no wonder they all talk the way they do, Veronica gave out to Jimmy Sr.

Ah, lay off, Veronica, will yeh.

They heard a scream from the front room.

Hang on till I sort this young fella ou, said Jimmy Sr.

He marched out of the kitchen.

Hes taking it well, said Veronica.

Yeah, said Sharon. So are you.

Ah sure

I was afraid youd throw me ou.

I never thought of that, mind you. Its not right though, said Veronica.

She looked straight at Sharon.

I suppose its not, said Sharon.

Jimmy Sr came back, rubbing his hands and calling Darren a sneaky little bastard. He sat down and saw the tea waiting for him.

Aah, lovely.

He sipped.

Fuck! Sorry, Veronica; excuse me. Its very hot.

Hes started saying Excuse me. After twenty-two years.

Good luck, Jimmy Jr roared from the front door, and then he slammed it.

He shuts the door like a normal man annyway. Thats somethin, I suppose.

Hes alrigh, said Sharon.

Jimmy Sr now said something hed heard a good few times on the telly.

Dyeh want to keep it?

Wha dyeh mean?

Dyeh dyou want to keep it, like?

He wants to know if you want to have an abortion, said Veronica. The eejit.

I do not! said Jimmy Sr.

This was true. He was sorry now hed said it.

Theres no way Id have an abortion, said Sharon.

Good. Youre right.

Abortions murder.

It is o course.

Then he thought of something and he had to squirt his tea back into the cup. He could hear his heart. And feel it.

He looked at Sharon.

He isnt a black, is he?

No!

He believed her. The three of them started laughing.

One o them students, yeh know, Jimmy Sr explained. With a clatter o wives back in Africa.

Stop that.

Jimmy Srs tea was finished.

That was grand, Sharon, thanks, he said. An youre defny not goin to tell us who it is?

No. Sorry.

Never mind the Sorry. I think you should tell us. Im not goin to kill him or annythin.

Sharon said nothing.

Jimmy Sr pushed his chair back from the table.