Alek Popov - Mission London

Kosta Pastricheff was counting the aeroplanes flying over South Kensington. It was a delicate spring morning only slightly overcast. The forsythia in the corner of the garden was covered in bright blooms. Kosta was sitting on the stairs, barefoot, in just jeans and a jumper. An empty bottle of Becks lay at his feet and between his fingers a forgotten cigarette still burned. Planes were flying overhead about every two minutes. The drone of each lingered until it merged with the noise of the next flight. He had counted over twenty. The sound reminded him of the wash of the sea. The windows of the house were wide open and a strong breeze carried with it the fragrance of old fags, swirling the thin curtains around like the veils of a drunken actress. In the dining room on the ground floor, there remained the detritus of the previous nights party. It was getting on for eleven but Kosta was in no hurry to tidy up. He had the whole afternoon at his disposal.

Meanwhile, another three planes flew over.

A persistent ringing brought him out of his blissful equanimity. At first, Kosta told himself that there was no power that could make him open the door. Then he softened, realizing that such moods are bad for ones curriculum vitae. He pushed the fag-butt into a gap between the tiles and unwillingly dragged himself to his feet. As he trundled across the foyer, the enormous crystal mirror balefully reflected his figure as if hurrying to expel his scrawny reflection from its gold-plated frame. The ringing began anew this time shorter and faster.

Coming, coming muttered Kosta and thought to himself, Fuck you!

A tall gloomy gentleman, wearing a greenish raincoat, suitcase in hand, jutted from the doorstep. Behind him, a black-cab was executing complicated manoeuvres to get out of the narrow little street. For a few seconds they inspected each other suspiciously.

Who you are looking for? asked Kosta in Bulgarian.

A bitter smile lit up he gentlemans worn face.

I am the new Ambassador, he said, gazing at the bare feet. And who are you?

Umm, me, well stuttered Kosta. Im the cook. (The ex-cook the painful premonition transfixed him.)

Very well, nodded the Ambassador. Might I come in?

Kosta mechanically moved out of the way; he felt an inexplicable chill as the man passed him. His faint hope that this was a practical joke arranged by the Bulgarian immigrants he had been hanging out with recently, slowly started to evaporate. The man put his suitcase on the floor, looked around and raised his eyebrows in disgust. The cook felt he had better say something first.

We werent expecting you for another two days. There was just a hint of reproach in his voice.

It shows. The Ambassadors response was cutting and followed a glance into the dining room.

If wed known you were coming today

I changed my plans.

Then blame yourself thought Kosta.

From all those many years spent around the dining-tables of his so-called superiors, the cook had developed a special psychological intuition. Instinctively he knew that his new boss belonged to that extensive and many-branched cretinous family of jobsworths. Yet, there was something else, something behind this mans idiotic glassy look, which made him unpredictable and dangerous. Suddenly, Kosta realized that this guy intended to settle here. Even more, this was his home now and he Kosta was about to become his servant. And that seemed infinitely unjust to him.

At that moment Kostas little son crawled up the stairs from the basement, which was occupied by the cooks family. The child had escaped his mothers attention and he was jubilant. Mumbling his baby talk, the child stood up and waddled adroitly towards the little table beneath the vast mirror. A frail object on the table had been annoying his primitive instincts for a long time. Kosta had unfortunately lost his former agility, gained through the practice of various sports in his youth. The little one grasped the tables corner and quickly tilted it, whereupon the little porcelain basket, inventory number 73, crashed to the floor with an apocalyptic tinkle.

Ding-ding mumbled the little one happily.

Ill give you a ding-ding! Kosta growled, suppressing his instinctive urge to bash him on the head.

The Ambassador looked on with a poisoned face.

Childs play, muttered the cook unconvincingly. He grabbed the child with one arm and leaned over the balustrade. Nora! he shouted. There was no answer. Norraaaa! he repeated. Come here at once!

Get stuffed up your shitty ass! a harsh voice replied.

The Mayor of Provadia energetically turned on the hot and cold taps and let the shower pour over him from head to toe. The water slapped his wide Tartar face, smacked his massive, hairy chest and bounced over his titanic belly. The Mayor of Provadia was in a tiptop mood, despite the slight hangover-haze wrapped around his brain. With the completion of his mission his self importance was in full flood. He had visited that mystic, faraway island that had once controlled a third of the world. He had done the museums and the shops. He had seen how the people over there lived. He had drawn the necessary conclusions and could bravely declare that he now had an idea of how the reforms were progressing in that developed western country. He was pleased that he had not lost his mind amidst the splendour and vanity of Oxford Street.

But what made him even happier was the fact that today he was going back to his hometown, Provadia a town with a glorious history and fertile land.

Ola-la-la, he sang full throatedly. La-la-laaaa.

The water gushed from all directions like a waterfall, and a feeling of satisfaction and calm suffused the Mayors soul. Lalaa-lala-lalalalaaa!he continued his little singsong, while thoroughly soaping his short hair.

He did not notice, could not have noticed, the slim tongue of water that had begun to slide under the door and soak the carpet.

Meanwhile, the Ambassador took his suitcase and headed for the first floor without a word. Judging by the greenish hue of his face, Kosta concluded that the magic of love at first sight had failed. The prospects looked ever grimmer.

Halfway up the stairs, the Ambassador stopped and listened.

There is somebody up there. The Ambassador pointed up the stairs.

Ah, the Mayor From the tone of the cooks voice one might presume that this was some sort of pet who had been in the residence for as long as anyone could remember.

The child, twisting in his hands with unexpected strength, started tearing and biting. The cook squeezed him tightly and hissed through his teeth, You shitty little good for nothing, youre just like your mother!

Mayor?! asked the Ambassador anxiously.

The Mayor of Provadia. The cook elaborated with a hint of condolence.

And how does he happen to be here this man from Provadia? asked the Ambassador queasily.

They accommodated him. There was no space in the hotel.

The Ambassador said nothing. He stared at the carpet, which was malignantly soaking up water, as though on board the Titanic. He heard the slap of feet and swearing overhead. The Mayor of Provadia sprang out onto the upper landing, wrapped nonchalantly in a small towel beneath which his Herculean attributes bulged.

Look at those stupid English! he started shouting. They forgot to make one little hole in the bathroom floor! One simple little hole! Whats the big deal? A hole! A drain!