Sarine Douglas - Ask a ninja presents The ninja handbook : this book looks forward to killing you soon

Contents

Introduction:
The Path

A gigglekiss dragon

I__________ understand that this book was written and endorsed by actual ninjas. In the likely event that my involvement with this book leads to my elaborately grotesque demise, please make best efforts to fulfill the following request.

1. Tell this person Im dead.______________________

2. Give my deadly stuff to this person.____________

3. Give my nondeadly stuff to this person._________

4. Send me out________ style, complete with 47_______ and a flaming_________.

5. Tell________ that Im the one that put_________ in his__________ at the_______,__________ but that I honestly did not know about his_________ allergy and I am so sorry that he cannot_______ anymore.

The writers and publishers of The Ninja Handbook are dead serious about the fact that this book will kill you. Just put it down and walk away.

Oh, you dont scare so easy, huh? Quick, flip to a random page. Are you back? Do you still have control of your bowels?

Honestly, no one is going to think any worse of you than they already do. Walk away.

Look, we get it. Somebodys with you and you dont want to lose face by running screaming and crying from a book, but this is your life were talking about. You cant handle a book like this. Seriously. This is your last warning. Walk away.

What part of last warning didnt you understand? Do we have to send you a list of names and burial sites? Cause, brother, we got one and it is Nile-long. Were not trying to scare you, friend. It aint about fear, its about survival. By continuing to read this, youre tearing off your logic suit and jumping into Lake Stupid. Now, we want you to put down this book and scurry your Beta-buying, trailer-rebuilding, crazy-ex-drunk-dialing, Yahooe-mail-using, I can do that saying, F.D.A.-believing, USA Todayreading butt outta here.

Still here? Nice. Lets do this!

Foreword

by the pain dragon Aod Sleevin Goreinflovin

The following foreword has been translated to English from its original Dragoneese by the monkataur priest, Father Pony Shalhoub.

In the time before light, we the great dragons ruled the world with magic and fire. And when we say before light, we mean it. The fire we dragons breathed was dark fire. The Sun wasnt there. It was a time before the stars. Before the Milky Way. The Milky Way dark candy bar was around, however, and was, as it is today, sinfully delicious.

In that darkness, we giant winged reptiles were unrivaled masters of our domain. The skin of every beast alive and even those recently deceased would shiver at the thought of thinking of a dragon. The wrath of our talons and the torture from our flamed mouths were the core of countless legends. The name of any soaring, majestic, glorious dragon could quite literally move a medium-sized mountain or a largish hill.

Then the light came. The Sun. The flashlights. The bicycle reflectors. The whole kit and kaboodle of brightness. Lo, it was much, much brighter than before. The ancient great dragons were still quite scary in the hard light of day, but we were not accustomed to the light. We had severe allergic reactions. It was like inverse photosynthesis. Many a resplendent creature became depressed and overate, causing a host of health issues, including adult-onset diabetes and restless scale syndrome (RSS). Our numbers dwindled.

We dragons who survived have been forced into tiny volcanoes and deep caves of isolation, hidden from the world we once ruled.

From this exile weve watched as a new hotness (though not as splendid or literally hot as us) emerged: The Killersapien, Kickallass Ninjanous Shadowous, a.k.a. Ninjas.

No faction, species or club has come as close as the ninja to mastering the night and the darkness of day with the fury and passion of the dragon.

That being said, I hate ninjas! Not like the vomitous I-hate-cheesecake type hate or even the furious I-hate-Sean-Penns-acting type hate. Im talking some marrow-curdling, mind-wringing, airplane-food, Hummer-driver, why-are-there-zoos type hate. I HATE ninjas. Snakes in my spaghetti, do I despise those sneaky bastards and everything they sneak around for. Every week I build a life-sized ninja doll and come up with some new and horrible way to destroy it. But French toast in an emus ear, that only feeds my abhorrence. Ninjas are like stubbing your toe while someone tells you that you have bowel cancer. Theyre like watching old people swim in Jell-O while talking about deviant sex. Theyre like kids singing about peace. Arghhh! Ninjas suck griffin balls.

Why? Well, quite simply, they keep killing dragons. Now, I dont want to come across as a bitter Betty here, so Im just gonna say this: Were dragons. Were supposed to be evil. We are meant to dine on the flesh of innocents with gluttonous, dripping smiles. Thats our thing. Thats what we do. If we didnt do that, wed just be cows. Ginormous, flying, reptilian cows. But Im not a cow. I am a mighty dragon, deserving of your awe and respect. So, to the ninjas of the world I have one small request: Please stop killing us!

But asking a ninja not to kill is like asking Sofia Coppola to have any redeeming artistic value whatsoever. Its just not going to happen. Ever.

I have personally been killed twice by a ninja. Im dictating this message from the Realm of Golden Ennui. I hate this place. Its full of sticky sappy trees and it smells like Teen Spiritnot the essence of youth and beauty, but the perfume by Hannah Montana.

The first time I was killed by a ninja I was on Earth, obviously. I had just finished a five-hundred-year nap and I needed to nosh. So I fly out of my underwater cavern, give my tail a good stretch, rinse my mouth out with some lava from Mount Vesuvius, and bink, there it is. I spy this sweet little village of about 200 golden brown grape stompers. Yummy! I could eat Italian every day. I love em. So I swoop down thinking, Thats a nice little healthy snack thatll really hit the spot.

BAM! WHAM!

No warning. Out of nowhere. Two shurikens right up the nose. These two really pointy things are spinning in my sinus cavities. Does that sound right to you? Ouch.

And then this ninja lands on my back and in one swipe chops my dorsal horn right off. Um, thanks, ninja. At least that wasnt my magical horn.

Oh, wait, that was my magical horn.

Now I cant use any dark demon dragon magic ever again. Magic horns dont grow back. Ever. Not even when death transmigrates you to an alternate realm.

Whatever, my horn is gone. Then this ludicrous ninja pops out all three of my eyes with this weird stick thing. I dont know exactly what it was cause I didnt really