Thoele - The Mindful Woman: Gentle Practices for Restoring Calm, Finding Balance, and Opening Your Heart

part one

exploring the basics

Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mindfulness is being aware of yourself, others, and your surroundings in the moment. When consciously and kindly focusing awareness on life as it unfolds minute by precious minute, you are better able to savor each experience. Also, being closely attentive gives you the opportunity to change unwise or painful feelings and responses quickly. In fact, being truly present in a mindful way is an excellent stress reducer and, because of that, can be seen as consciousness conditioning, a strengthening workout for body, mind, heart, and spirit.

While few of us have the temperament, financial freedom, or life circumstances to allow long periods of meditation, extended retreats, or endless Zen walks, we can gather scattered energy and awareness by practicing mindful moments each and every day! In time, moments become minutes, and minutes ultimately become a more present and peaceful way of life.

To make mindfulness more accessible to we busy women, Ive highlighted four elements that I believe are essential in day-to-day practice. These are paying attention, living in the moment, simplifying, and breathing. There are, of course, numerous facets to each element of mindfulness, and we will explore many of them in , The Practices.

1. Paying Attention

When you focus your awareness on someone or something, you are paying attention. You have narrowed your field of vision and chosen to look at the person or thing through mental and emotional binoculars. The object of your attention becomes your focal point. Focused attention allows you to see clearly and in finer detail. Interestingly, almost any person or thing to whom we pay close attention gains value in our hearts and minds. Concentrated awareness leads to better understanding of and appreciation for that which we are attentive to. For instance, truly listening to someone and hearing them at a meaningful level adds richness and depth to the relationship. By compassionately focusing your attention on another, its possible to understand their thoughts, feelings, desires, and doubts more intimately. Deep understanding opens your heart. While the unknown can feel threatening or suspicious, the known is more easily lovable. Very often, to know and understand another is to love them.

Attention is an invaluable gift to give.

When discussing mindfulness with my son Brett, he said, I think the reason I love adrenalin-rush sports so much is that I have to stay present and pay attention. If I dont, it could be a matter of life or death. Just what a mother wants to hear, right? He does have a great point, however. While not paying attention to yourself may not catapult you off a mountain cornice to your doom or grind you into the sand beneath a monstrous wave, as it could my son, neglecting yourself over time is so wearing that you can lose your joy and enthusiasm for life. Lack of attention may not physically kill you, but having heard my own and many womens comments such as This is killing me! and I feel empty and dead inside and I think this relationship [or job or stress] is sucking the life right out of me, I know that self-neglect is very harmful indeed.

Because paying loving attention often results in valuing, understanding, and enjoying what you pay attention to, its incredibly important you place yourself ator very nearthe top of your pay-attention-to list. Just as knowing and understanding another often leads to loving them more fully, the same is true with yourself. Gently and lovingly paying attention to yourself offers you the opportunity to know, understand, and accept yourself more completely and, consequently, to fall in love with yourself just the way you are in this moment.

Another bonus received from paying close attention to ourselves and the moment at hand is that we recognize habits and behaviors that no longer add value and joy to our lives. Being conscious of counterproductive or self-sabotaging actions, reactions, and responses as they happen gives you the opportunity to stop and make a different choice, one that is more conducive to health and peace of mind. Focusing awareness on the now not only gives you the opportunity to change what isnt working, it also allows you to enhance and appreciate that which is working. Especially when feeling pressured or rushed, its easy to circle the drain out of habit or fear, clinging to what is driving us crazy. Thankfully, mindful living leads to an intentional life that is on purpose and promotes calm, balance, and peace of mind and heart.

2. Living in the Moment

As a psychotherapist who believes much of our healing comes from understanding and forgiving the past, and as someone who loves to revisit wonderful experiences in order to revel in the feelings they elicited the first time around, Ive struggled with the concept of continually living in the moment. What does living in the moment really mean? Where do planning for the future, scheduling appointments in advance, making reservations for a future trip, and all the other realities of life fit into the idea of living in the moment? How can living moment to moment complement my forays into the past and my need to stay sane by preparing for things to come?

I was talking Colleen, my spiritual daughterchosen by my heart though not born of my bodyabout not having come to a satisfactory conclusion about living in the moment, when she said, Ive been thinking about that too and have decided that what I am consciously doing in the moment is the moment. Aha! The proverbial lightbulb went on, and living in the moment became a believable and doable objective. For me, consciously is the significant word here. As I understand it, when we consciously do, think, or experience something, our attention is fully engaged and we are connected to the reality of what is going on. Therefore, if we are consciously paying attention and aware of planning for the future or thinking of the past right here, right now, we are still living in the moment.

While I believe mindfulness can include understanding and savoring the past or planning, imagining, and envisioning the future, we will concentrate on the description given by long-term, renowned teachers who see mindfulness as being consciously, compassionately, and nonjudgmentally present to what is happening now. Its important to focus on staying in the moment because, although we can remain mindful of the here and now when we consciously project our thoughts into the future or decide to move back in time to review the past, it is incredibly easy to fall out of a mindful state when our thoughts switch to automatic pilot and skitter off in many directions.

Contrary to how it may sound, mindfulness is not arduous or overwhelming. In reality, mindfulness is calming, grounding, and centering. Nonetheless, I can still almost hear you gasping, as my friend Cynthia did, What! How can Imultitasking wizard, perfectionist, codependent (always an ear, eye, or hand distracted toward other peoples needs)become a mindful woman? The answer is simple, although not necessarily easy. We become mindful women through intentional practice, practice, practice.

Im sure youve heard the saying Take it one day at a time. While a day at a time is a great concept, we all know that one day may contain way too much for us to handle during certain circumstances like intense grief, physical pain, or fear. In soul-searing situations, taking it one minute or one breath at a time may be the most we can do. The same small-step principle works in your practices for becoming a more mindful woman. Take it one tiny, tolerant little step at a time. At least thats how I, and other women I know, are progressing toward increased mindfulnessone gentle, conscious moment at a time. In fact, the theme of