Adi Jaffe - The Abstinence Myth: A New Approach for Overcoming Addiction Without Shame, Judgment, or Rules

WHAT I KNOW:

There Is Another Way

W e all come from somewhere, with our own stories and histories. Though our stories dont determine who we become, they do shape our journey

My Story

As early as elementary school, I began a fifteen-year journey to belong and find peace in my own skin. Of course, I didnt know it at the time. I thrived on the approval of teachers, peers, and my parents, and I was devastated when that approval wasnt there. Outwardly outgoing, a jokester, and a quick learner in school, inside I was filled with childish and then adolescent worries.

When alcohol came along as an option, everything changed. For me, there was a very specific catalyst. My general restlessness and the stress of dealing with the constant chatter in my brain had turned into social anxiety and shyness by the time I graduated from tween to teen. When I finally asked a girl out for the first time, the result was worse than anything I had imagined. The entire school found out that she turned me down, and I became a laughingstock. I was filled with shame and embarrassment.

Maybe someone else would have blown it off. But to me, the experience confirmed all the terrible thoughts I had about myself that Id kept hidden. Now it was a fact: I would always be on the outside looking in, hanging out with the nobodies and being a nobody.

Two years later, my family had moved to the US and I found myself attending a teen leadership camp. On the last night, tucked away in one of the cabins, some boys started passing alcohol around. It was late, and there were so many kids in that cabin. I didnt want to embarrass myself again by sticking out, so I took a few swigs of the burning, clear liquid. Within minutes all my worries, nerves, and anxieties disappeared.

I still remember it like yesterday. There I was with the cool people, and I felt accepted. It was an epiphany that I could even feel this way. The grown-up activity Id thought was bad, nasty, and wrong since childhood was instantly reframed in my mind as something good and positive. As awful as the taste was, it eased my mind. Ill have more of that, became naturalthat being the confidence and comfort that came with alcohol.

For years afterward, I outwardly tried hard to maintain my faade as a cool, successful young person while my using, lying, acting out, and hiding only got worse. I drank, took all kinds of drugs, and got hooked on meth for five years. I went from using drugs to dealing them and living the fast life, essentially removed from reality. But the whole time I kept up a more normal facadethe myth that I was pursuing a career in music in LA, where I had transferred to finish college. I was good at lying and was given the benefit of the doubt way too many times, taking me farther and farther away from self-knowledge, acceptance, and any real connections. I was barely in touch with my family, constantly avoiding their calls after disappointing them endlessly. In spite ofor perhaps because ofall the drugs and using, I walked around with a constant stream of self-doubt and anxiety that would fill my head at any quiet moment... so I made sure to have as little quiet as possible. At twenty-five, I was going nowhere fast. Then I got arrested, and things got really bad.

Fortunately, after all this escalating use and drama, recovery programs and rebellion, rehab, jail (yes, Ive been there), and tons of study and personal experimentation with recovery methods, Ive been able to forge my way to a normal, healthy life that continues to unfold. Just saying normal means so much to me!

If youre reading this right now, normal probably sounds like the furthest thing from reality for yourself or someone very close to you. Ive been clean of meth for fifteen years and drink moderately when socializing and celebrating. I work, have a family, have a life, and help others. I feel like Im making a difference and my life matters. I belong.

The Current Recovery System Isnt Working

My journey to discover a way out of that personal hell began with my own recovery and tons of experimentation with the most traditional methods you can imagine as well as newer and alternative ones. I wanted answers for myself and for so many people I had met who were as hopeless as Id once been or who didnt fit any descriptions I was familiar with. I knew there was something wrong with the system and the solutions it offered. Well, thats putting it kindly. The system demanded a solutionsometimes by force of law.

Drugs are killing more people than ever, and more users are being sent to jail than any other group. The only response we seem to keep coming up with is more of the same. While everyone argues about the true cause of addiction, the problem keeps getting worse. Its as though were pushing harder on the gas pedal of a car as its about to fly off a cliff. I wanted to turn the wheel.

My journey required a seven-year return to school, where I went on to study the psychology of addictionhow to measure it, the neuroscience behind it, and the data on what treatments worked and why. It was a long road, but one that was worth it. I now hold a PhD from UCLA, which offers one of the top psychology programs in the world. Ive spoken to all kinds of groups, appeared on TV, written articles for popular publications, and even given TEDx talks. Throughout these experiences, Ive seen firsthand how desperate people are for a new language and approach to recovery.

Addiction, the daily grind, the pressure and judgment we face, from both inside and out, wear us down and make us forget that its possible to truly love our life.