Borderline Bitch - I’m a Borderline Bitch: A Relationship Workbook (Borderline Treatment, BPD Treatment, BPD girlfriend, BPD boyfriend, partner with BPD)

Im a borderline bitch. My self-esteem grows from zero to billions in a second; it can drop to negative billion the next second and confuses me when I try to understand. It tick-tocks faster than the clock in my kitchen.

I hear screaming while Im binge eating. I wake up, and Im mad at myself for being so stupid. I dont want to see mirrors, and I dont want any eyes on me. I take a shower. I love with myself. But Im in my car, and I feel depressed. Is this it? I start driving like a crazy person. I arrive at work and start to perform. Im joking and flirting, shouting and whispering. I feel like a puppet being played by whomever. A compliment makes me want to scream to the world, Im loving my life! A comment makes me feel worthless all over again. Im skipping to my car and go home driving like an eighty-year-old. I come home, consider skipping dance class, decide not to go, and crawl into a blanket like a three-year-old.
The next day is completely different and exactly the same. My mood is up; my mood is down. Next week as well. And the next week. And the next. Only now I doubt whether to go to piano class. And in a few more weeks, Ill probably have changed jobs again. I need something new.
This is my day-to-day life. My everyday battle, my everyday joy. Here is a journal entry that will shed more light on what its like to have borderline:
Today is July 25th. Im having a heavy and long borderline episode. I feel ugly and fat, even though I probably did not change much from the day before. Still I cannot find that girl I saw in the mirror yesterday. Today Im just the loser kid at school that dresses weird and has hair everywhere.

Today is July 26th. Dean and I just went to Starbucks. Im wearing a black and white dress, a white long cardigan, and white lace ballerina flats. My face is skinny, so is the rest of me. My hair is long and beautiful. Honestly, I was the prettiest girl in the entire place. Im sure Dean was proud to be with me. His clothes were a little less today; yesterday he looked stunning. Im so happy with him.
Today is August 30th. Im going through the photos on my Facebook account. I love myself. Im so pretty with eyes so shiny, always in style, even when Im not. Im having fun, being funny and inspirational, climbing on everything, amusing the others, and looking hot. I love looking at myself. I do delete all the ugly photos, of course. Doesnt matter. Everyone has ugly photos, even Eva Longoria.

Unstable

People might think we have no self-esteem, and we overcompensate by being arrogant. In fact, we feel really confident at times, so much you will envy us. Of course, ten minutes later we can be cracked like a walnut in a nutcracker tool. We dont stand a chance against something small that triggers something big.
One comment can be enough. One look. One failed act. One person entering the room. One memory crawling back. Thats all it takes for us to crack completely. So we do not have a lack of self-esteem. We have enough. Its just not stablewhatsoever. This lack of stability is overall present in our lives. Our routines, our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, the world, and others. One day were the biggest fans of a TV show, the next we think its the most ridiculous bullshit weve ever heard of.