Lodro Rinzler - Love Hurts

Sign up to receive news and special offers from Shambhala Publications.

Or visit us online to sign up at shambhala.com/eshambhala.

LOVE HURTS

BUDDHIST ADVICE FOR THE HEARTBROKEN

Lodro Rinzler

Shambhala

Boulder

2016

Shambhala Publications, Inc.

4720 Walnut Street

Boulder, Colorado 80301

www.shambhala.com

2016 by Paul Rinzler

Cover design by Christian Jackson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Rinzler, Lodro, author.

Title: Love hurts: Buddhist advice for the heartbroken / Lodro Rinzler. Description: First edition. | Boulder: Shambhala, [2016] | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016013202 | eISBN 9780834840515 | ISBN 9781611803549 (pbk.: alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: SufferingReligious aspects. | SufferingReligious aspectsBuddhism. | Consolation.

Classification: LCC BL65.S85 R56 2016 | DDC 294.3/4442dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016013202

DEDICATION

When I get quiet, and I mean really quiet, I miss everyone. I miss my dad, my best friends, my dog, and I miss all the women I loved and are no longer a part of my life (not because I want them back, but because they were significant too), and I miss what I used to do when I was young and naive and I already miss who I am now because I know Ill look back fondly ten years from now and chuckle at how I just used the word naive about who I am today.

I walk around basically missing everything. Its not paralyzing, though. In fact, if I had to say its marked by anything, my life is marked by love. My losses, as vast as they may be, are just a part of me. They make me who I am. And at my core I remain whole and complete.

This book is for anyone who has suffered losstrue lossand could use a friend. Im here for you. Lets explore this heartbreak together.

Thank you to Shambhala Publications, who continues to help get my writing out into the world. In particular, Dave ONeal, who thankfully has agreed to edit all of my books until one of us is met by death.

Thank you to everyone who met with me at ABC Carpet & Home and offered their heartbreak stories. Your stories are the lifeblood of this book. You are brave warriors: Erika, Phil, Lydia, Adrienne, Sandy, Pat, Sarah, Karen, Patia, Patty, Carolyn, Elene, David, Carmen, Sylvia, and all you other wonderful beings. A special thank you to Paula Gilovich and the rest of the staff at ABC Carpet & Home for warmly hosting me in their space for those meetings and to write.

Thank you also to the team at MNDFL for allowing me the time and space to continue to be an author, in particular to Ellie Burrows, who has quickly become like a sister to me.

One more thank you to everyone I love, without whom I wouldnt know anything about heartbreak. Nancy Delcourt, Brett Egglestein, Adreanna Limbach, and other dear onesthank you for being my web of support all these years. If these books I write ever help another person, its only because youve kept me alive and thriving long enough to write them.

Well fuck. If youre reading this youre probably heartbroken. I mean, why else would you pick up a book about heartbreak? Im sorry youre heartbroken. I really, really am.

You know what I wish? I wish so much that I could just write out a top-ten list of what to do so you can fix your broken heart. I cant. Thats not how heartbreak works. I think the only way we can get through our heartbreak is to sit in the middle of that terrible, devastating, world-changing experience. This book will tell you how to do that.

I write partly from the Buddhist tradition but also from experience. I know heartbreak. Im constantly heartbroken, if Im going to be honest with you (and, by the way, this entire book is me being vulnerable and honest with you). Ive known romantic heartbreak: some relationships that have ended naturally and others that were cut off way too soon. I know the heartbreak that accompanies the death of loved ones: ranging from my father to one of my best friends to grandparents and uncles and even a friend who died during the writing of this book. Ive known the heartbreak of losing beloved pets, and I know that the death of my beloved dog isnt far away right now. I also know the heartbreak that arises daily in the face of massive societal suffering, having worked for the last several years with activists, homeless youth and, well, watched the news more than once. No matter how you suffer from heartbreak I promise theres something in here for you, because if Ive tasted the widest sampling of anything in my life, its not whiskey but heartbreak. That said, a good whiskey in small doses can do wonders for a broken heart.

A note about how this book came to be: The vast majority of it was written in the window of ABC Carpet & Home in New York City. Each morning I woke up, went to a private room in this massive store, and opened up my meditation session. Then for the first few hours I would meet with individuals one-on-one and hear their heartbreak stories. I wouldnt offer advice. Id just be the mirror that helped them see what was going on in their own hearts and minds. Then Id close my practice session.

In the afternoons I would climb into the storefront window at ABC Carpet & Home and tap on my laptop, channeling the grief and heartbreak that I felt in that moment. This book is a mix of traditional Buddhist wisdom, my own experience working with heartbreak, and the beautiful hearts of everyone who met with me and shared their stories. May it benefit all beings.

This book isnt meant to be read cover to cover like other books. If youre heartbroken you probably couldnt read a book like that anyway. That sort of linear logic of start on page one and keep going doesnt work for the heartbroken.

Instead, you should flip to whatever you are feeling right now. Angry? Go to the section called If You Are Feeling Angry. Feeling betrayed? Go to If You Feel Betrayed. Do you think youre falling down an endless well with no end in sight? Maybe check out If You Feel Like This Pain Is the Worst Thing Ever and No Good Can Come from It. Ideally in this book there is something for each of the many forms that heartbreak may take, offered with the aim that you will go to where you need to go and find a resource to help you out.

I tend to discourage ways you might distract yourself by abusing your bodydrinking too much, overeating, and the like. Instead, I emphasize staying with your emotions, getting to know them, and then moving through them. In other words, this book is about you taking care of yourself during this difficult time. Im merely here to offer ways to manage the myriad emotions that come up during this process and provide a helping hand so you can do that self-care work.

There is so much emotional content that comes along with heartbreak. Well explore these strong emotions. Its okay to feel these things. I recommend you feel them fully. But a word of caution before we get going: dont think about getting stuck in any of these emotional states. You can go to that strong emotion, set up camp, and spend some time there, but dont get too cozy. At some point that emotion will change, because you will change. Youll move on to working with something new. You might go visit that campsite again and spend some more time with that emotional state, but my advice is not to get too attached to any of what youre feeling right now. Youre much more fluid than you think, and so are those emotions.