Oscar Wilde - De Profundis

Wilde on Jesus or redemption through suffering is as childish and boring as Gide on the same subjects, but Wilde on Bosie Douglas displays the insight, honesty, and unself-conscious style of a great writer. Their relationship is of the greatest psychological interest. It is clear that Wildes infatuation for Bosie was not primarily a sexual one; one surmises that any sexual relations they may have had were infrequent and probably not very satisfactory. Bosie was leading a promiscuous life when they first met, he continued to lead it, and Wilde shows no signs of having been jealous. So far as sex was concerned, the main importance of Bosie in Wildes life was that it was he who introduced Wilde, whose affairs had thitherto been confined to persons of his own class, to the world of male prostitution. When they met, Bosie, who was only just twenty-two, was already being blackmailed.

Your defect was not that you knew so little about life, but that you knew too much. The gutter and the things that live in it had begun to fascinate you. terribly fascinating though the one topic round which your talk invariably centred was, still at the end it became quite monotonous to me.

Their mutual attractionincapable of love as Bosie was, Wildes existence was more important to him than the existence of anybody else except his fatherwas an affair of their egos rather than of their senses; one might say that the Overloved met the Underloved, and such an encounter is always extremely dangerous. Any child who discovers, as Bosie had, that he is hated and rejected by his father is bound to suffer from a feeling, however deeply he represses it, of profound unworthiness. If, when such a child grows up, he meets someone who appears to love him, particularly if this someone be older, his subconscious finds it impossible to believe that such a love is genuine, and he is driven, therefore, continually to test it by behaving badly. If the other rejects him, his suspicion is confirmed, but however often the other forgives, his suspicion can never be laid to rest for good and all. Further, if the feeling of unworthiness is strong enough, he may feel again subconsciously, a contempt for anyone who offers him affection: if his father was right to reject him, then anyone who accepts him is a fool and deserves to be tormented. Wilde was a famous and successful author; the first test, therefore, was to find out whether his love for Bosie was stronger than his love of writing. Wildes time had to be wasted:

At twelve oclock you drove up, and stayed smoking cigarettes and chattering till 1.30, when I had to take you out to luncheon at the Caf Royal or the Berkeley. Luncheon with its liqueurs lasted usually till 3.30. For an hour you retired to Whites. At tea-time you appeared again and stayed till it was time to dress for dinner. You dined with me either at the Savoy or at Tite Street. We did not separate as a rule till after midnight, as supper at Willies had to wind up the entrancing day. That was my life for those three months, every single day, except during the four days when you went abroad.

Then, since the giving of money, particularly the giving of money for the primal childish pleasure of eating, is in our culture the symbol of all-giving love, Bosie had to see how much money he could get Wilde to spend on him:

My ordinary expenses with you for an ordinary day in Londonfor luncheon, dinner, supper, amusements, hansoms and the rest of itranged from 12 to 20. For our three months at Goring my expenses (rent of course included) were 1340. My expenses for eight days in Paris for myself, you, and your Italian servant were nearly 150: Paillard alone absorbing 85.

Significantly, Bosie, on the ground that he would not give up their friendship, renounced his allowance from his father, and, on the ground that his mothers allowance was insufficient, refused to take money from her, but this did not mean that he was prepared to deny himself any luxuries; Wilde was to take the place of both of his parents as provider.