Caitlin Cady - Heavily Meditated: Your down-to-earth guide to learning meditation and getting high on life

My own wellness story unfolded over the course of about 15 years, but Ill bring you up to speed in 20 words or less: eating disorder, depression, Epstein-Barr virus, mononucleosis, dengue fever, and the crowning jewel in my body-bashing manifestations, chronic Lyme disease.

By 21, I was battered, bruised, broken, and depleted on pretty much every level. I had some serious healing to do, both inside and out. As I slowly rebuilt my physical health, I committed to whatever it tookantibiotics, Chinese medicine, homeopathy, naturopathy, vitamin injections, IVs, acupuncture, blood work, scalding hot baths, sleeping in wet socks (yes, apparently thats a thing), GI tests, vitamin C flushes, elimination dietsyou name it, I did it. But despite all the healthy eating, supplements, and treatments, the Lyme disease kept resurfacing. It was clear that something was missing from my heal-thyself strategy.

I was deflated. And frustrated. Id tried everything. Or I thought I had. But it turned out that the last piece of the wellness puzzle wasnt about my physical body in a direct sense. The last piece of the puzzle was a major mental shift.

Up to that point, Id derived my sense of happiness and self-worth through two things: what I could control, and what I could achieve. Throwing myself into work, smashing sales targets, never turning off, having my iPhone permanently attached to my hand, exercising militantly, multitasking like my life depended on it, keeping my hair perfectly coiffed, always wearing high heels, networking, hosting fundraisers, saying yes to everything does any of this sound familiar? Its an attitude and a canon of behaviour that our society champions. Dream, believe sure; but mostly, bust your butt and achieve. Because youre simply not enough just as you are.

Id convinced myself that my stressed-out state of overdrive was essential to my survival as a human being and a functioning member of society. In fact, I believed that over-achievement and perfectionism were not only the way I was wired, they were actually strengths (I had hustle, yo!). In reality, that way of living was making me sick. I was more burned out than a roach in Snoop Doggs ashtray.

My immune system couldnt reset itself when adrenal fatigue, off-the-charts-cortisol levels, and an avalanche of anxiety were my daily reality. So I had a choice to make. Keep going, keep doing, and stay sick. Or slow down and be well.

How the hell does someone like I just described learn to slow down and just be? As I learned through a lot of trial and error, the pathway is through meditation.

I started meditating with very mixed results. Id grin and bear it through the meditation portion of my yoga classes, letting my mind skip between my grocery list, what to have for dinner and Oh shit, Ommmmmmm. At home, Id vow to meditate. Every. Damn. Day. Id light a stick of incense, close my eyes and listen to this-and-that guided meditation. Id set a schedule, only to have my resolve fade away like a bad dye job on Day 5. Id bail on my budding meditation practice, defeated, disempowered, and a little irritated.

Some reasons why I bailed, narrated by my mind.

(THESE MIGHT SOUND FAMILIAR!):

• Am I doing this right?
• I aint got time for this! Got thangs to do! Boxes to tick! A mountain of to-dos!
• Ugh, Im feeling mega guilty about doing nothing for 15 minutes.
• Why am I even doing this?
• If I was cut out for meditation, it wouldnt be this bloody hard. Must not be for me.
• I clearly cant control my thoughts.
• Whats the point of this again?

Its no wonder I couldnt stick with it. I kept stopping because I wasnt committed. And I wasnt committed because I didnt really want to meditate. I was terrified.

Terrified of meditating? I know, sounds ridiculous. Like being afraid of a kitten. But on a fundamental, subconscious level, I was absolutely petrified of taking my foot off the gas and loosening my grip on the steering wheel. I was afraid that if I let my guard down and relaxed too much, my life would fall to pieces.

I was quite sure that if I slowed my roll, even for a moment, Id lose my job, my friends and my boyfriend in quick succession. Id balloon up to 500 pounds and spend my days lolling about in a muu-muu (and not a cute retro one, either). Without a job you can forget paying rent, much less a mortgage, so Id probably have to live in a cardboard box. Id never reach my full potential. In fact, Id probably die alone with only my 33 cats and the sweet embrace of my muu-muu to keep me warm.

Meditation symbolised relaxing and letting go. And therefore, meditation symbolised a loss of control and all the terrifyingly bad things that would come with that. Without all that doing and achieving, who would I be? That was a scary thought. So my mind threw up a million and one reasons why I couldnt and shouldnt meditate. The resistance was strong.

But heres the thing about resistance: it tells you that its keeping you safe, but its really keeping you small. Resistance stands in the way of your growth, your expansion, the actualisation of your full potential. And ultimately, you have to make a choice between believing the resistance or breaking through it and stepping into your potential.

I didnt want to be sick and stressed for the rest of my life. So I chose my potential

And it worked. Meditating helped me slow my roll and calm down. And that opened the space for my body and mind to realign and get back on track. I said sayonara to the spin-cycles of stress and anxiety. I parted ways with perfectionism and that persistent, paralysing fear of failure. My nervous system found a way to reboot, and my immune system reset itself. Want some concrete evidence? Theres not a trace of Lyme disease in my blood.

It wasnt easy. Its an ongoing commitment, a perpetual learning curve. But I can tell you this. Come rain or shine, come sick or well, come screaming babies, aeroplanes, hospital stays or holidays, come pressing deadlines or alarm-clock fails, I show up and meditate. Im a straight-up meditation junkie. Its a non-negotiable in my day. That doesnt mean that my meditation practice looks exactly the same every single day. Because: life (see the list above). But I show up, whether its for 20 minutes or just 10 breaths.

Initially, my motivation for meditating was about slowing down so I could be well. But once my health was on track, my reasons for showing up every day multiplied. Meditation has become a tool for exploring the edges of my potential. I want to be the best woman, mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, boss, writer, creator and coworker that I can be. I want to be the highest version of myself. Meditation helps me do that.

Through my meditation practice, Ive discovered supercharged creativity, heightened intuition and inner guidance, as well as the confidence and certainty to trust myself (see ya later, self-doubt). Because of this, I feel aligned. I have more meaning and purpose in my life. Ive found work that Im passionate about, and have the courage to go after the things that excite me. Meditation has also helped me cultivate more compassion for myself and others, and develop a built-in attitude of gratitude. For me, that means less anger, less angst and less nail biting. My mood is stable. My feathers dont get ruffled very often, and I rarely get my panties in a bunch (which is a lot more comfortable than the alternative). At night, I sleep like a log.