Goulston Mark - Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior (Perigee)

Praise for
Get Out of Your Own Way

• Powerful, practical insights that can help many to live more rewarding livesturning weaknesses into strengths. Get Out of Your Own Way to achieve more satisfaction in yourself and all your intimate relationships. Goulston & Goldberg show us specifically how to convert problems into opportunities. A rewarding, clear and pleasurable book.

Harold Bloomfield,

author, How to Survive the Loss of a Love

• Get Out of Your Own Way treats this sensitive subject with rare kindness and common sense. The sincere reader will benefit by learning that they are not alone in the ways they self-interfere and will treat themselves with greater kindness and understanding.

Tim Gallwey,

author, The Inner Game of Golf

• Busy entrepreneurs dont have the time or energy to waste on feeling bad. This book can help you quickly confront and solve problems that get in the way of your success.

Jane Applegate,

author, Jane Applegates Strategies for
Small Business Success

• This book offers down-to-earth insights and no-nonsense exercises to overcome your self-defeating behaviors and get on the road to the health and happiness you deserve.

Kathy Smith,

Americas leading health and fitness expert

• This is a valuable book. It provides clear insight, compassionate understanding and practical solutions to forty self-defeating behaviors which can destroy your life if left unaddressed. Use it as a manual to free yourself from a self-imposed prison and create the life you truly want.

Jack Canfield,

coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Soul

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Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior

A Perigee Book

A PERIGEE BOOK

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

(a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

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Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Copyright 1996 by Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg

Text design by Rhea Braunstein

Cover design by Wendy Bass

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

The P design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First edition: February 1996

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Goulston, Mark

Get out of your own way : overcoming self-defeating behavior /

Mark Goulston and Philip Goldberg. 1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-65775-1

1. Self-defeating behavior. 2. Self-management (Psychology) I. Goldberg, Philip. II. Title.

BF637.S37G68 1996

1588.1dc22 95-22993

Neither the publisher nor the author is engaged in rendering professional advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your physician. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestion in this book.

In loving memory of
Irving Goulston, Ideal Stotsky
and
William McNary

Much appreciation and gratitude are owed to John Duff for his persistent faith in this book; to Lynn Franklin for her generous efforts on its behalf; to Eric and Maureen Lasher for their early support and advice; and to Erika Schickel for her clerical help. For their ongoing encouragement, I am indebted to my colleagues Drs. Edwin Shneidman, Herbert Linden and Judd Marmor; to Michael Cader, Mark and Mia Silverman, Preston Johnson, Vicki Martin, Doug Kruschke, Brooke Halpin, Julie Turkel, Alan Duncan Ross and Marilyn Kagan; and to my mother, Ruth Goulston. To my wife, Lisa, and our children, Lauren, Emily and Billy, thanks for your understanding and tolerance of the time this book took away from you. And for their inspiration, thanks to all the patients who never gave up hope that they would overcome their self-defeating behavior.

Since this book was first published, I have been extremely gratified by the response Ive received from readers. I have also learned a great deal from those readersand from the reaction to my Top Ten lists of things we can learn from the self-defeating behavior of public figures, from O.J. Simpson to President Clinton, which Ive written for various publications. Thanks to the insightful readers who have applied the advice in this book to their lives, I have come to realize that there are universal lessons to be learned from understanding the nature of self-defeating behavior. Therefore, to help you get even more out of this book, here are the Top Ten Lessons Ive Learned From Readers.

1. Work on it now. One of the greatest tragedies you can experience is to come to the end of your life and realize that it has not been everything youd hoped it would be. Even more tragic is to realize that your failure to fulfill your hopes and dreams was due in large part to your inability to get out of your own way. Its never too late. The time to overcome your self-defeating behaviors is now. Otherwise, you run the risk of suffering deep regret over opportunities missed, satisfaction lost, and love not given or received.

2. Jump from the frying pan onto the counter, not into the fire. In your haste to change a self-defeating behavior, make sure you dont just substitute a different self-defeating behavior. The new one might even be more damaging than the original. Remember, if you shoot from your hip you can end up shooting yourself in the foot. Acting rashly in an effort to find a new coping mechanism can provide momentary relief only to complicate your life, damage your credibility, and end up making you hate yourself for acting foolishly. Instead of waiting until a similar situation arises and acting impulsively, figure out in advance what course of action would provide a lasting solution, not just a temporary substitution.