Andrea Bonior - Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk for Good and Discover the Life Youve Always Wanted

With compassion and humor, Dr. Bonior brings the art and science of therapy to the page and guides us toward real change. A must-read for anyone ready for true transformation.

Lori Gottlieb, New York Timesbestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

Whether you struggle with regret or you seek approval from others, Detox Your Thoughts will help you find the peace of mind you need to get unstuck.

Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Dont Do

Andrea Bonior has written a powerful guide to help you overcome the destructive mental chatter that can block you from bliss. This book provides a clear road map to free up mental space so you can pursue whats truly meaningful.

Shannon Kaiser, author of The Self-Love Experiment and Joy Seeker

Detox Your Thoughts gives you permission to feel your emotionsbe they fuzzy or frenziedand provides the tools to work with and through them. This is a funny, down-to-earth read that helps you transform self-doubt into self-assurance one thought at a time.

Lori Monica Sweeney, bestselling author of Zen as F*ck

Bonior brings you a slate of modern and proven methods to help you back up from toxic thoughts, show up to what is present, and get moving toward what you really want. Accessible, friendly, balanced, and wise.

Steven C. Hayes, PhD, originator of acceptance and commitment therapy and author of A Liberated Mind

Copyright 2020 by Andrea Bonior, PhD.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data.
Names: Bonior, Andrea, author.
Title: Detox your thoughts : quit negative self-talk for good and discover
the life youve always wanted / Andrea Bonior.
Description: 1st Edition. | San Francisco : Chronicle Prism, 2020.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019056638 | ISBN 9781452184876 (hardcover) | ISBN
9781797201443 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Self-talk. | Self-help techniques. | Self-actualization
(Psychology)
Classification: LCC BF697.5.S47 B66 2020 | DDC 158.1dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019056638

Manufactured in Canada.

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To Andy and our three,
worth every bit of
mental space,
and then some

And in memory
of Brian Kinlan,
forever bright

Part I
Your Mind

Part II
Your Moment

Part III
Your Heart

Part IV
Your Future

Welcome.

You are here, and that says a lot. Im so glad you picked up this book, or scrolled to this page on a screen, or are listening to these words while wondering whether youll get a seat on the subwayI really am. And if youre wondering (or doubting) at this early moment whether this has even the slightest chance of paying off, I want you to know there is hope.

Youve shown it already, by being here. Theres something in you that wants to change the way you think, and at least a part of youeven if that part is the size of a walnutis ready to do something about it.

Youve most definitely come to the right place. The techniques youll learn in this book represent the very best that research into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT, developed by Steven C. Hayes), and mindfulness has to offer. Modern science backs up what clinical psychologists like me have been noticing for years: A lot of people have just had enough. Theyre anxious, stressed, and steeped in a cycle of feeling bad (and feeling bad about feeling bad). They have negative, worried thoughts that follow them around and get in the way of their moods, relationships, and work. Do any of these descriptions sound familiar to you?

Maybe you have tried traditional therapy or antidepressant medication, but still feel like your inner voice is your worst enemy: the ever-present itch, the darkness that you just cant get away from. You may be doing so much work to try to feel better, and yet it just doesnt feel like its making much difference.

The numbers tell this story too. More than 20 percent of Americans meet criteria for an anxiety disorder in any given year, as that category of conditions gradually overtakes depression as the most common mental health diagnosis in the United States. Depression still remains heavily prevalent, with around 20 percent of the population suffering at some point in their lives. By most accounts, mental health problems across the board are increasing, and their growth among younger people is especially startling.

Now, its true that more people are seeking help, which is wonderful, and therefore being counted. But that doesnt come close to explaining the whole increase. The World Happiness Report and the General Social Survey both show significant recent declines in overall happiness in the United States, even with economic upturns, which is quite unusual. People are hurting. Even those not seeking mental health help are typically reporting more stress and loneliness than in the past.

So if we know more about these problems, and have more treatments available than ever before, how could suffering, by many measures, be increasing?

Were beginning to understand the answer. And underlying it is a frustrating truth: The most common approaches to handling distressed moods often backfire. Like a crash diet that denies us the ability to feel satisfied (and as an added bonus throws our metabolism into a tailspin, making us gain weighthooray!), our relationship to our negative thinking is often one of bingeing and starving.

We cajole, plead, and beg ourselves to be positive or to look on the bright side. Think happy thoughts! we say. Believe in yourself! Its a very crash diet mentalityto simply banish negative thoughts and adopt a sunnier outlook. But unfortunately, the research shows that the Just be happy! approach rarely works. If this mind-set has failed you as well, take heart. Lets recognize right now that the typical motivational advice in this vein doesnt seem to bring many changes for anyone. Its not you. Not you at all.

But new research illuminates a path forward. Studies increasingly suggest that depression and anxiety disorders are not caused by negative thoughts. (In fact, every last one of us has negative thoughts at times.) Instead, depression and anxiety are caused by negative thoughts