Andrea Bonior - The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up with Your Friends

Note: Some names and identifying characteristics of the individuals mentioned have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

For Suzie

and my JE family, friends of a lifetime,

and in loving memory of

Mary Strong, who blazed the trail

Contents

Acknowledgments

To everyone who shared their stories: This book would be nothing without you. Your courage, humor, and candor lit the way for me, and I cant thank you enough for thatand for letting me have fun with your pseudonyms!

A great many thanks to my savvy and supportive literary agent, Linda Konner, whose patience and belief in me were indispensable throughout this process. And it was an honor to work with my marvelous editor, Toni Plummer, fabulous publicity manager, Rachel Ekstrom, and the fantastic team at Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martins Press. Much appreciation to Abby Wilner for her beautiful foreword and been-there-done-that wisdom. Crystal Patriarche is a PR goddess and godsend all in one. Holly J. Morris and the gang at Express got the ball rolling (literally, on the softball field, and for my career). Heidi Browns encouragement and logistical supportand much, much valued friendshipalways gave me a boost at exactly the right moment. And I couldnt be luckier than to be on the receiving end of Madeira Jamess unique Web design talents.

Kelly Gifford and the Eliteyes, the names meant to be ironic, but you know who you areare part focus group, part support group, awesome women all, and represent the very best of the new frontier of friendship. Elizabeth, Sarah, Sue, Nicole, Leah, Rose Michele, and Marci are great company and comprise my favorite book club in the world. Laura Gertz, one of the warmest people Ive ever known, is a limitless source of ideas and enthusiasm. Kathy Chretian, fellow health care maven/writer/mommy: you are brilliant. And Im similarly inspired by Sunny Gettingeryoud be in the dedication were it not for the misfortune of being in Trumbull!

To my beyond-wonderful in-laws, Sybil, Luis, David, and Judy: your cheerleading and tireless help made it possible for an at-home-mom also to be an author. Thank you, times a thousand. My parents, John and Georgette, and siblings and siblings-in-lawJeff, Greg, Julie, Brian, Stephen, Amanda, Roddy, and Crisprovided a steady stream of support (and food and drink)!

And Andy, the best friend for whom the words best friend and even soul mate are laughingly inadequate: I simply adore you. Vance, Alina, and Ruby: you fill my days with smiles and my life with meaning. And Vance and Alina, when youre old enough to read this book, thank us for how much ice cream you got on those nights I was working on it!

Foreword

After graduating from college, I was in for a shock: My bachelors degree didnt seem to make me any more marketable for a job, and far from being financially independent, I was back at home living with my parents. It turned out this was a common experience, as I eventually documented in Quarterlife Crisis, the term for the awkward transition from school to working adulthood. Although the twentysomething years are often thought to be the easiest, most carefree time of ones life, this major life transition from perpetual student to working adult is more often accompanied by debt and stress than it is by glamorous parties or romantic dinners. In fact, the quarterlife years in ones twenties and thirties are accompanied by changes to and questions surrounding careers, relationships, and finances. Yet there is one aspect of the quarterlife crisis that is rarely discussed: the changing nature of friendships.

Friendships tend to happen naturally in school through the college years; it is easy to find friends with whom you have much in common. Yet once we enter the real world, the friendship landscape becomes murky. The social boundaries between coworkers are less clear, and scheduling and geography dont allow for the same natural, comfortable pattern that became second nature in school. In fact, for many, friendships are the first priority in school. Before were adults, friends often seem more important than family and certainly come before homework and grades. Upon entering the real world, however, we are faced with a myriad of new responsibilities, most notably the big j-o-b that takes up the majority of our waking hours. It can be harder to relate to friends when you no longer share the common ground of school, and when your workplaces and lifestyles can be so different. As additional priorities enter our life, they further complicate the friendship picture. Some friends get married, preferring quiet couples nights to rowdy bar-hopping, while others stay in the singles scene. Then kids may enter the picture, even further deepening that rift and presenting boundaries that make what used to be simply hanging out a nearly impossible coordinated effort that requires more planning than a bridezillas wedding.

Although friendships become more complicated during this transitional time, they are also more important. Its now taking longer than ever to become adults in the traditional sense. Our parents model of adulthood is simply not a reality for most twentysomethings. We are taking longer than ever to settle into a job, find the right partner, and become financially independent. Were in need of a surrogate family more than ever before as we navigate lifes options and think about settling down.

As life changes, so do friendships. Its no longer easy to knock on someones door, even call them, and just hang out without planning days or even weeks ahead of time. We have so many other priorities now, whether they are jobs, significant others, kids, or families. It seems like weve become busier and busier and always have some kind of errand to run that could take priority over getting together with a friend, but its so important to maintain meaningful, lasting friendshipsfor our mental health, and for that bond no other relationship can provide.

We finally have a much-needed manual to help us understand how to make and maintain friends as adults. Dr. Andrea Bonior has been providing witty words of wisdom to quarterlifers for years in her Washington Post Express column, and now with The Friendship Fix, she proves to be that voice of wisdom and comfort once again. The advice here is invaluable, no matter what stage of quarterlife you are in, and she tells it to you like a friend, without being condescending or preachyand certainly with a full accounting of all the challenges going on in our lives as we attempt to build and maintain ever-important friendships.

A BBY W ILNER

INTRODUCTION

The Challenges of Modern Friendship

In my many years of seeing young adults for therapy, two major things have always stood out. Yes, one is that the bubble skirt does no one any favors, but the otherperhaps more germane to this bookis that relationships can simply make or break our daily lives. Now, to anyone whos devoted significant mental real estate to chick flicks, Match.com, or Judge Joe Brown, this will come as no surprise. But whats often overlooked is that the relationships that give us reason to wake up in the morningand sometimes reason to duck, screaming, back under the coversare not just the romantic ones. Theyre the platonic ones (which became romantic only that once, in 2005, when everyone was just way too friendly with Captain Morgan).

It is our friends who shape the course of our lives. Consider this: For all the people who are either monogamous or without partners (whom does that leaveMario Lpez?), romantic relationships make up just one, at most, of our companions, whereas friend relationshipsand friend relationshipsmake up dozens, if not hundreds, of the people who matter most. From that snarky coworker who helps you get through Mondays, to that shopping partner you grew up with because your parents were fond of pinochle, to that confidante youve bared all with every week since Physics 101, they are the faces in our personal halls of fame.