Matthew McKay - Messages

In this fourth edition of Messages , the authors present the essentials of basic communication. From assertiveness and active listening skills to guidelines for digital communication and social media etiquette, every individual, couple, and therapist will benefit from this book. If you wish to deepen your connections to others and to succeed in every social interaction, this book is for you.

Michael A. Tompkins, PhD, ABPP , author of Anxiety and Avoidance and codirector of the San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy

Messages will be warmly and fully welcomed into my clinical practice. This straightforward, easy-to-digest, and wholly useful book on effective communication is completely fit for its purpose. Reading, working through the exercises, and practicing the advised skills could only move those engaged in the process in one directiontoward improved relationships. The plethora of communication process descriptions, exercises, styles, needs, and outcomes provide the reader with a thorough and integrated understanding of what it means to engage in effective communication in the service of connection. An excellent self-help workbook about enhancing how we relate messages to others!

Robyn D. Walser, PhD , codirector of the Bay Area Trauma Recovery Clinic; assistant professor at University of California, Berkeley; and coauthor of Learning ACT , The Mindful Couple , and other books

This is an amazing book. The book will not only help you if you have been struggling to communicate effectively, but also if you just want to hone your skills. Using examples from all walks of life, the book explains the key aspects of effective communication and provides readers with ample opportunities to practice these skills in many different contexts. Although it is based on sound academic research, the book is by no means heavy academic reading. Offering many practical examples and illustrations to bring the content to life, the book is written in a non-technical, clear, concise, and personable style. I recommend this book without any reservations.

Georg H. Eifert, PhD , coauthor of The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety and Your Life on Purpose

Messages is a must-read for any person looking to improve their communication skills; whether the reader needs to augment their relationships effectiveness with significant others, coworkers, supervisors, or relatives, this book offers hands-on advice about how to effectively relate to others across different settings. All chapters have specific skills and exercises to master interpersonal skills beyond the classic teachings of using I statements. I highly recommend it!

Patricia E. Zurita Ona, PsyD , East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, coauthor of Mind and Emotions , and author of Parenting a Troubled Teen and Escaping the Emotional Rollercoaster

Publishers Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright 2018 by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

5674 Shattuck Avenue

Oakland, CA 94609

Cover design by Amy Shoup

Edited by Brady Kahn

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: McKay, Matthew, author. | Davis, Martha, 1947- author. | Fanning, Patrick, author.

Title: Messages : the communications skills book / Matthew McKay, PhD, Patrick Fanning, and Martha Davis, PhD.

Description: Fourth edition. | Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2018. | Includes bibliographical references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2018023096 (print) | LCCN 2018025650 (ebook) | ISBN 9781684031726 (PDF e-book) | ISBN 9781684031733 (ePub) | ISBN 9781684031719 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: Communication. | BISAC: PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations. | LANGUAGE ARTS & DISCIPLINES / Communication Studies.

Classification: LCC P90 (ebook) | LCC P90 .M253 2018 (print) | DDC 302.2--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018023096

Contents

Introduction

Communication is a basic life skill, as important as the skills by which you make your way through school or earn a living. Your ability to communicate largely determines your happiness. When you communicate effectively, you make and keep friends. You are valued at work. Your children respect and trust you. You get your sexual needs met.

If youre less effective at communicating, youll find your life deficient in one or more areas: Work may be all right, but your family shouts at the dinner table. Sex can be found, but friendships never seem to work out. You bounce from job to job and your mate is often cool, but you have a great time with your old school buddies. You get a lot of laughs at parties but go home alone.

Effective communication makes life work. But where can you learn it? Parents are often dismal role models. Schools are busy teaching math and reading. Often theres no one to show you how to communicate your wants, your anger, or your secret fears. No one shows you how to listen actively, how to ask for what you want without blaming others, or how to check out someones meaning instead of mind reading.

These skills have been known and available for years. They can and should be taught right along with the three Rs. Young adults, for example, should learn parent effectiveness skills in school before having children of their ownnot years later when a teenage son is a truant or a daughter runs away. Colleges should provide core courses in the skills of communication in addition to the more traditional courses in communication theory.

This book gathers the most essential communication skills into one volume. They are presented in condensed form, but with sufficient examples and exercises so that you can begin practicing the skills you want to acquire. The book tells you what to do about communicating rather than what to think about it. Pure theory is omitted unless it contributes directly to your understanding of a particular communication skill.

Since its first edition in 1985, this book has become a standard work in its field, used by general readers, students, teachers, therapists, and counselors in a wide variety of settings. Looking over the table of contents of this revised fourth edition, you will see that the emphasis on skills is reflected in the books organization. The first three chapters cover basic skills. Everybody needs to know how to listen, how to disclose thoughts and feelings, and how to express whats really true.

The section on advanced skills contains five chapters that teach you about using and understanding body language, decoding paralanguage and metamessages, uncovering hidden agendas, applying transactional analysis to your communications, and clarifying your own and others language.

The next section, on conflict skills, covers skills that are essential in conflict situations: assertiveness, validation, and negotiating. The social skills section that follows contains three chapters on accurate first impressions, making contact with new people, and communicating appropriately and effectively in the digital realm.

The section on family skills teaches you how to communicate with your intimate partner, your children, and your extended family. The final section, on public skills, offers three chapters about skills required for influencing others, when you are called upon to make a speech, and during interviews.