Allie Beth Stuckey - Youre Not Enough (And Thats Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love

When I was seven, I explored the idea of following in Britney Spearss footsteps. My parents wouldnt let me buy her CDs (Is she asking someone to hit her??), but Id heard enough of her music at friends houses to know that I wanted to do what she did. Id spend hours in my room after school practicing my singing and choreographing routines to whatever I had playing in my boom box. I was sure I had what it took.

As you can probably guess, things didnt go that way. It turns out you actually have to be able to sing and dance to be a singer and a dancer. I eventually faced the harsh reality that I would never have what it takes to rock a red leather jumpsuit and a high pony in a music video. It was hard, but I coped.

Id guess you have a similar story. You had your own wild aspirations, only to one day confront the realization that Tyra Banks wasnt going to discover you at the mall while you were shopping at American Eagle with your mom and ask you to be on the next season of Americas Next Top Model.

Were all stunningly confident as children. Weve yet to become fully self-conscious, and we have little concept of the potential for failure. So we declare our aspirations, unafraid of embarrassment or the possibility that they wont come to fruition. This self-assurance is part of the wonderful charm of kids. As we grow, it necessarily fades as we start the natural process of reconciling our plans with our actual potential.

I want you to imagine for a moment what it would be like if we didnt go through that process. What if we clung to the out-of-the-realm-of-possibility dreams we had as kids and spent our lives pursuing them, no matter the consequences? Id be selling EPs of my latest acoustic cover of Toxic on Instagram and youd still be learning how to smize in your mirror at your parents house. It wouldnt be pretty.

As we get older, were supposed to tell ourselves hard things. Were supposed to grow up, assess our strengths, do things we dont want to do, and realize were not as special as we think we are. Were supposed to get out of our houses, get over ourselves, and create a life thats productive and meaningful. The confidence we have in ourselves should change from juvenile blind adoration to grounded awareness.

A truth that we all come to terms with at some point in our adolescence is that we dont have what it takes for one thing or another. In other words, were not enough. We dont have enough talent, a high enough IQ, enough coordination, or enough facial symmetry to do the thing we were sure we would end up doing. Facing our inadequacies is crucial for appropriate development.

And so I find it sillyand downright dangerousthat we women are fed this phrase so constantly today: You are enough. The vast network of lifestyle bloggers, motivational speakers, fitness gurus, and spiritual Sherpas who live on our phones relay this message daily. We are enough for our kids, enough for our job, enough for our husband, enough for God, enough for ourselves. Theres nothing that needs to be added or taken away, we hear. We are perfect the way we are.

We know its not true. We realized this early on when we abandoned our dreams of pop stardom, and, in a different way, we realize it today. Just like I wasnt enough to be the next Britney, Im not enough to fulfill other roles either, even though theyre real. Im not enough to be all the things I need to be at once: a good mom, a successful writer, a present wife, a solid friend, a faithful Christian. Its just as crazy for me to think Im enough for these things as it was for you to want to be a five-foot-two runway model. This time, its not just about talent. We may have the abilities to do most of these things well. Its also about capacity.

We dont have enough time or energy to be all that we need to be for the world around us. And when we dont measure up to our or others standards, we drown in the dregs of self-loathing and insecurity. To numb the pain, we open Instagram, scroll for a few minutes, then click on our favorite self-help blogger and check her latest post, which reads You are enough.

Ahh. Balm for the weary heart. Were flooded with warm feelings of gratitude as we read her caption reminding us that were strong, powerful, capable women whose dreams matter and whose stretch marks are beautiful and who are so much more than just moms to needy kids and wives to needy husbands and are perfect and wonderful just the way we are. SO true, we think to ourselves. I am!

Were comforted, but only for a moment. The next second, when we look at the monitor and see our supposed-to-be-sleeping toddler wiggling just minutes after weve put him down, or remember that we have about fifteen pages left on the assignment due tomorrow, or look in the mirror and hate the body we see, our feelings of self-assurance quickly fade.

Many of us find ourselves in this cycle daily: feeling burned out, seeking encouragement from superficial sources, then feeling better only to feel worse a few hours later. This is exactly the consequence of getting sucked into what I call the toxic culture of self-love.

The culture of self-love tells us that we are enough. And that until we love ourselves into realizing our enough-ness, nothing in our lives will be right. Were told a lack of self-love is why we havent started that company weve been thinking about. Its why were settling for the guy we dont really want to be with. Its why we havent lost the weight or bought the car or done the thing weve been dreaming of doing. Because we have low self-esteem, struggle with self-doubt, and cant kick this addictive habit of self-criticism, were unable to live the lives we were meant to live.

Dancer and actress Julianne Hough put it this way: I think every girl needs to love herself, regardless of anything. Like, if youre having a bad day, if you dont like your hair, if you dont have the best family situation, whatever, you have to love yourself and you cant do anything until you love yourself first. All of our successes, the thinking goes, depend on self-love.

I host a podcast called Relatable, where we analyze culture, news, and theology from a Christian perspective. Two years ago, a listener asked me to do an episode on what the Bible has to say about self-love. At that point, I had no idea the term was so popular. I was familiar with self-help, and I knew women were being fed a message of self-empowerment and independence, but I didnt know how integral the idea of loving yourself had become to our cultural dialogue.