Adam Smyer - You Can Keep That to Yourself

HELLO, WELL-INTENTIONED PERSON OF PALLOR! Its Daquanthe black coworker you are referring to when you claim to have black friends. You are reading this book because you want to know what not to say. They get mad at you when you say the wrong thing. But no one will tell you, up front, what not to say. Well, I will tell you. Because I am your friend.

Your real black friend. I will tell you what not to say, but I will not tell you what not to think. Think whatever you like. Lets review. THOUGHTS are the things on the In side of your head. They are invisible.

Your thoughts are yours. No one elses. No one else wants them. WORDS are the things that exit your hole to the Out side of your head, where we are. They are a lot like thoughts, except that we can hear them. We dont want most of those, either.

You can keep them. Here is every word that you should keep to yourself. Well-intentioned people of pallor went seamlessly from not seeing color to being allies. Being part of the problem was never considered. And, really, ally was fine for a while. It was aspirational.

But now Im an ally is the Dont hurt me! of our time. Dont nobody want you, Karen. You can keep that to yourself. Whenever yet another white person murders a black person on video and doesnt even get in trouble, the first thing you ask me is, Why are you so angry? Keep that to yourself, or say what you mean: How did you notice that we are killing you?Wow! you think to yourself. This black man talking to me is so articulate! You mean it as a compliment. You can keep that to yourself.

That black man is the judge in your DUI trial. Maybe let your lawyer do the talking. Dont speak Ebonics to us. Dont try to speak what you believe to be our language. Dont say, They be like. Say, Theyre all like, like a normal person.

Keep that be shit to yourself. You like to say that the truth is always somewhere in the middle. You might even believe it. But that could only be true if one side isnt lying. I know that I am a human being. The other side suggests that I am not.

You want to split the baby. Fuck the other side, and fuck you. Keep that both sides shit to yourself. Stop describing your Cousin Brett as a conservative to us. Thats normalizing bullshit, and you can keep it to yourself. Conservative is choosing bonds over stocks, or wearing pantyhose in the summer.

Thats conservative. Your Cousin Brett is a nazi. Your cousin is a nazi. You use light-and-dark/black-and-white imagery to signify good and evil while you are talking to me, a black person. You dont even hear yourself. Some bowl-cut translucent psycho commits a horror, and the first thing you call him is dark.

Keep us out of your fuckery. You can keep your early-20th-century European immigration story away from us. We are not impressed. We dont care about that time some random other white person slightly shortened your grandfathers last name at Ellis Island. We werent walking around Africa named Jeffersonetti. You know this.

Dont tell me how your grandfather came here with nothing. Some people came here with nothing; your grandfather was not among them. Your grandfather came here with not everything. He came here with less than he might have liked. Perhaps he came here with very little. So what.

Getting on the boat was his idea. See how I keep looking over your shoulder and saying Oh wow while you talk? That means that I give not one fuck about your recent ancestors relatively comfortable, relatively voluntary migration. Keep it to yourself. The only exception is if your people fled full-on Nazis. Then we can talk. No. Its sad when you tell me that some skinny white boy in a polyester suit is funky. Its sad when you tell me that some skinny white boy in a polyester suit is funky.

P-Funk is funky. Macy Gray is funky. Anybody can mimic anybody, but thats not funk. You keep using that word. You can keep it to yourself.