Adam Kay - Kays Anatomy

Adam Kay is a former doctor who has sold over three million books. Hang on maybe it was just one person who bought three million copies. Thanks if that was you!

MANAGEMENT

Francesca Dow

Tom Weldon

EDITORIAL

Holly Harris

James Kay

Ruth Knowles

Wendy Shakespeare

DESIGN

Jan Bielecki

Anna Billson

Jacqui McDonough

Dan Newman

EDITORIAL CONSULTANT

Justin Myers

COPY-EDITOR

Kimberley Davis

PROOFREADERS

Petra Bryce

Marcus Fletcher

Jane Tait

INDEXER

Ruth Ellis

READERS & CONSULTANTS

Samantha Baines

Dr Eleanor Draeger

Dr Mo Khan

Jo Lincoln

Rosie Sykes

Felicity Trotman

Dr George Tse

Dr Matthew Tse

Dr Hannah Walch

EBOOK

Odile de Caires

Jessica Dunn

Bea Pantoja

AUDIO

Shannon Ellis

Ashleigh James

Amber Kassianou-Hannan

James Keyte

Tallulah Lyons

Laura Marlow

Chloe Rose

Helena Sheffield

PRODUCTION

Michael Martin

Erica Pascal

Jamie Taylor

INVENTORY

Katherine Whelan

FINANCE

Aimee Buchanan

Jamie Clark

Duc Luong

CONTRACTS

Mary Fox

Kiran Halaith

RIGHTS

Maeve Banham

Anne Bowman

Susanne Evans

Beth Fennell

Lena Petzke

MARKETING & COMMUNICATIONS

Simon Armstrong

Hannah Bourne

Rosamund Hutchison

Caroline Maddison

Dusty Miller

Michelle Nathan

Jannine Saunders

PARTNERSHIPS

Alesha Bonser

Nina Harrison

SALES

Kat Baker

Hannah Best

Toni Budden

Karin Burnik

Han Ismail

Sophie Marston

Geraldine McBride

Sarah Roscoe

Rozzie Todd

Becki Wells

BIBLIOGRAPHIC METADATA

Leah Boulton

Jack Lowe

OPERATIONS

Melissa Donaldson

Sally Rideout

PRINTERS

David Banks

Amelia Douglas

Jodi Foulger

CATERING

BUTLERTRON-6000

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First published 2020

Text copyright Adam Kay, 2020
Illustrations copyright Henry Paker, 2020

The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted

ISBN: 978-0-241-45293-6

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

To my science teacher Mr Andrews, who gave me a detention in 1991 for saying that he smelled.

Well, he did smell, and I bet he still smells, and now its official because its in a book.

DO YOU EVER THINK about your body? Like really, properly think about it? I mean, sure, you cant help it when youve stubbed your toe or youve got earache or youve caught a stomach bug and feel like youre going to literally poo out your guts and your lungs and your brain, but do you know whats actually going on in there?

Have you ever thought that your body is just a strange lump of meat, held up by a big pile of bones, wrapped in a bag of skin, and all controlled by a crazy supercomputer in your head? Oh, you havent? Sorry if Ive freaked you out. But what Im saying is your body is weird. I dont mean to be rude. Everybodys body is weird yours, mine, your parents, your maths teachers. Especially your maths teachers.

YOUR MATHS TEACHERS BODY

ACTUALLY, WE DECIDED THIS WAS TOO WEIRD TO SHOW YOU.

You never get to see whats inside your body, do you? Not unless youve cut yourself and a bit of red stuff has slurped out, or maybe if youve been for an X-ray. But you cant just look inside yourself any time you like. Even if you go to a mirror and open your mouth very wide Im talking hippo-yawn wide here and try to look down your throat, all youll see is a tongue, some teeth and a set of tonsils, and then it goes dark. Whats it hiding?

I know they teach you some stuff about the body at school. I also know theres no quicker way to make something boring than forcing you to sit on an uncomfortable plastic chair and learn about it from a whiteboard. But just because your teacher might be boring, that doesnt mean the thing theyre telling you about is. (Please note: this doesnt apply to maths. Maths would be boring even if a kangaroo in a bow tie was teaching you fractions while twerking.) The human body is a scientific marvel an incredible machine thats been perfected over the last seven million years, give or take a few days. Its more advanced than a space station and smarter than the speediest supercomputer. Im not kidding your brain can process 400 billion things a second. And 400 billion is massive. If you wanted to count to 400 billion, it would take you over twelve thousand years. (Dont try, or youll miss dinner.)

LOOK, I GET IT. When youre given a new toy, the last thing you want to do is read the instruction manual you just want to start playing with it. But youve had your body for years and years now, and I bet you dont know half the things it can do. Its finally time to open the instructions.

Im going to take you through the body, organ by organ. When I say take you through it, dont panic, Im not going to dress you up in wellies and a waterproof jacket, put you into a shrinking machine and make you wade through miles of intestines. Firstly, Im not totally sure that shrinking machines exist. Secondly, wed get absolutely covered in poo. Not to say there wont be poo in the book how could there not be? We all do it. Even your maths teacher. Sorry, I didnt mean to make you think of your maths teacher pooing. By the way, did you know that about a quarter of your poo is alive?! Dont worry, youre not about to get attacked by zombie turds its just bacteria. Well, I say just theres trillions of them in there. In fact, there are more bacteria in every poo you do than there are pages on the entire internet.

Lets find out all of your bodys weird and wonderful secrets. Like the brain, for instance, which feels no pain. You could take a big stick and mush it around your brain and it wouldnt hurt at all. (Please dont take a big stick and mush it around your brain.)

Then theres your heart, which it turns out is neither bright pink nor heart-shaped, so someone should urgently tell whoever makes Valentines Day cards. And it pumps enough blood around your body each day to fill ninety (pretty repulsive) baths. And how about your lungs, which puff out enough air every day to blow up a thousand balloons? Who needs a thousand balloons for their birthday? Save a bit of breath to sing Happy Birthday, for goodness sake.