Henry Paker - Kays Anatomy: A Complete (And Completely Disgusting) Guide to the Human Body

Adam Kay is a former doctor who has sold over three million books. Hang on maybe it was just one person who bought three million copies. Thanks if that was you!

To my science teacher Mr Andrews, who gave me a detention in 1991 for saying that he smelled.

Well, he did smell, and I bet he still smells, and now its official because its in a book.

DO YOU EVER THINK about your body? Like really, properly think about it? I mean, sure, you cant help it when youve stubbed your toe or youve got earache or youve caught a stomach bug and feel like youre going to literally poo out your guts and your lungs and your brain, but do you know whats actually going on in there?

Have you ever thought that your body is just a strange lump of meat, held up by a big pile of bones, wrapped in a bag of skin, and all controlled by a crazy supercomputer in your head? Oh, you havent? Sorry if Ive freaked you out. But what Im saying is your body is weird. I dont mean to be rude. Everybodys body is weird yours, mine, your parents, your maths teachers. Especially your maths teachers.

YOUR MATHS TEACHERS BODY

ACTUALLY, WE DECIDED THIS WAS TOO WEIRD TO SHOW YOU.

You never get to see whats inside your body, do you? Not unless youve cut yourself and a bit of red stuff has slurped out, or maybe if youve been for an X-ray. But you cant just look inside yourself any time you like. Even if you go to a mirror and open your mouth very wide Im talking hippo-yawn wide here and try to look down your throat, all youll see is a tongue, some teeth and a set of tonsils, and then it goes dark. Whats it hiding?

I know they teach you some stuff about the body at school. I also know theres no quicker way to make something boring than forcing you to sit on an uncomfortable plastic chair and learn about it from a whiteboard. But just because your teacher might be boring, that doesnt mean the thing theyre telling you about is. (Please note: this doesnt apply to maths. Maths would be boring even if a kangaroo in a bow tie was teaching you fractions while twerking.) The human body is a scientific marvel an incredible machine thats been perfected over the last seven million years, give or take a few days. Its more advanced than a space station and smarter than the speediest supercomputer. Im not kidding your brain can process 400 billion things a second. And 400 billion is massive. If you wanted to count to 400 billion, it would take you over twelve thousand years. (Dont try, or youll miss dinner.)

LOOK, I GET IT. When youre given a new toy, the last thing you want to do is read the instruction manual you just want to start playing with it. But youve had your body for years and years now, and I bet you dont know half the things it can do. Its finally time to open the instructions.

Im going to take you through the body, organ by organ. When I say take you through it, dont panic, Im not going to dress you up in wellies and a waterproof jacket, put you into a shrinking machine and make you wade through miles of intestines. Firstly, Im not totally sure that shrinking machines exist. Secondly, wed get absolutely covered in poo. Not to say there wont be poo in the book how could there not be? We all do it. Even your maths teacher. Sorry, I didnt mean to make you think of your maths teacher pooing. By the way, did you know that about a quarter of your poo is alive?! Dont worry, youre not about to get attacked by zombie turds its just bacteria. Well, I say just theres trillions of them in there. In fact, there are more bacteria in every poo you do than there are pages on the entire internet.

Lets find out all of your bodys weird and wonderful secrets. Like the brain, for instance, which feels no pain. You could take a big stick and mush it around your brain and it wouldnt hurt at all. (Please dont take a big stick and mush it around your brain.)

Then theres your heart, which it turns out is neither bright pink nor heart-shaped, so someone should urgently tell whoever makes Valentines Day cards. And it pumps enough blood around your body each day to fill ninety (pretty repulsive) baths. And how about your lungs, which puff out enough air every day to blow up a thousand balloons? Who needs a thousand balloons for their birthday? Save a bit of breath to sing Happy Birthday, for goodness sake.

Like a sightseeing tour, well take in all the best bits, such as the skin, which is the largest organ in the human body and the one youd look the weirdest without. But did you know your skin isnt actually your outermost part? Wherever you go, youre always surrounded by an invisible cloud. A cloud! How cute! Nope. Its a cloud of thousands of tiny bits of skin that flake off you, along with cells that come out of your various giblets every time you speak, yawn, burp or fart. And, if you think thats disgusting, wait until I tell you about the weird creatures who live in your eyelashes. Or, worse still, what they eat for dinner.

How do you know Im not making this all up? Well, I worked as a doctor for years and years. These days I write books, but hopefully I havent forgotten too much about how the body works. It would be a real shame if I was teaching you a load of absolute nonsense, but I guess you wont know until you fail your exams. So youre probably just going to have to trust me

In this book Im going to answer every question you could possibly have about the human body, including the things your teachers and parents quickly change the subject about when you ask them. (Probably because they dont know the answers. Idiots.)

You can expect questions like:

WHATS THE LARGEST MUSCLE IN THE BODY? No, gluteus maximus isnt a Roman emperor, its what doctors call your bum, and its the largest muscle youve got. Doctors have fancy words for every part of the body, by the way. Mostly so we dont have to constantly say things like bum.

ARE BOGEYS SAFE TO EAT? Look, if your nose is going to all that effort of creating a snack, the least we can do is look at its nutritional value, right? (Yes, theyre safe. Chew away!)

HOW MUCH OF YOUR LIFE WILL YOU SPEND ON THE TOILET? About a year so bring a good book. (I recommend this one.)

And there are hundreds more where those came from.

Ill also explain how your body can sometimes go on the wonk. Just like a tablet can crash when you update an app, your body is another complicated bit of kit which malfunctions from time to time. Ill tell you exactly what it means to have conditions that you or your friends might already live with, like epilepsy or diabetes or asthma, as well as the everyday stuff that never seems to get you a day off school. Im talking colds and bruises, and the dreaded face art that is an attack of the spots. Basically, anything that makes you ask, Why on earth is this happening to