Franta - Note to Self

also by connor franta

A Work in Progress

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Copyright 2017 by Connor Franta

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First Keywords Press / Atria Books edition April 2017

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Cover design and art by Samuel Burgess-Johnson

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Franta, Connor.

Title: Note to self / Connor Franta.

Description: First Keywords Press hardcover edition. | New York : Keywords Press, 2017.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016054990 (print) | LCCN 2017008802 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501158018 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781471163586 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Franta, Connor, 1992 | Internet personalitiesUnited StatesBiography. | EntrepreneursUnited StatesBiography. | YouTube (Electronic resource)

Classification: LCC PN2287.F6735 A3 2017 (print) | LCC PN2287.F6735 (ebook) | DDC 792.028092 [B] dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016054990

ISBN 978-1-4711-6357-9

ISBN 978-1-4711-6358-6 (ebook)

for me

They say the truth will set you free, but what they neglect to mention is what happens when the truth isnt what you want to hear.

I m a private person, ironically. Ironic because Im in the business of public disclosure, and Im part of a generation that shares everything. Aside from my daily social posts that allow glimpses into my life, I tend to keep my thoughts, opinions, and words to myselfrelatively speaking. Now, if you get me around the few people I trust, Ill say just about anything that comes to mind. Anything. So dont try me. Ill let my mind spill its contents like a cup with no lid, whether those contents are applicable to the moment or not. Ill dish it all.

On the flip side, where the general public is concerned, I often remain silent. I like to think of myself as a listeneran observer. I enjoy absorbing information and analyzing my surroundings, even down to the color of the shoes the girl across the room is wearing (mustard). Its more by choice than habit. I derive a strange thrill from noticing the details of my surroundings, and I always have.

But theres also a dark underpinning to my silence. Sometimes, I cant decide if what Im thinking is what others want to know. Do people really care that some strange girl across the room is wearing mustard-colored shoes? Im putting my money on the answer being no . If I voice my thoughts, will it disturb the atmosphere? Upset the dynamics of the present moment? Is my input even worth sharing?

I think I think too much (as will become clear in the pages ahead), but thats who I am, and thats what Im here to share: my perspective, intimate musings, odd observations, intense moments, and the interior dialogue I reserve for only myself and a select few. This book is filled with short essays. Observations. Poems. Thoughts. Feelings. Ups. Downs. And the in-betweens. Id like to think of this book as a scrapbook of my mind. A collection of small vulnerabilities. A harmony of notes to self.

Growing up and discovering independence brings with it the realization that this world is not all cotton candy and giggles. When we let go of our security blanketsparents, siblings, childhood home, and familiar surroundingsand stand on our own two feetbeing accountable, minimizing negative consequences, and navigating lifes everyday challenges on our ownthe more we see societys true colors, and the more we become aware of what really goes on behind seemingly perfect but staged scenes: the social masks we all wear, the brave fronts we put up, and the curated personas that dont align with who we truly are.

Im saying this from a place of dramatic privilege, and I dont mean to come across like I have it hard, or have all the answers. But Im speaking from a plethora of experiences that, while particular to me, might be relevant to you as well. Ive managed to fake it this far and, somehow, Ive been able to make it work.

Im a twenty-four-year-old man, and in my six years of adulthood, Ive experienced some of the highest highs this world has to offer. Ive traveled to more than a dozen countries in the past two years, become the CEO of three individual companies, made an incredible living, met some of the most amazing people I believe this world has to offer, and accidentally fallen head over heels in love along the way. Each experience, and accompanying learning curve, has shaped me into the person I am today, opening my eyes and altering my point of view in ways I never thought possible. But not every day is a good day.

During my journey as a young gay man who deals with mild depression, anxiety, and frequent self-inflicted mental abuseworries, insecurities, defeatist thinkingIve been in the dirt and trudged through the lowest of low periods. Ive been depressed to the point of entertaining irrational thoughts to end it all. Ive been used and mistreated for personal gain. Ive been broken up with, and left broken. Ive gone through what I know to be my darkest moments. But Im not here to throw a pity party or complain; Im only here to share. Because its through the universal experiences of life that we can all connect and relate to each other. For me, the only way to climb out of the pits I sometimes find myself in is through the guidance and assistance of others. Our words, our firsthand experiences, our shared truths can form ladders. And bring hope to others.

Yes, on the surface, Ive had an exceptional life so far, and I couldnt be more grateful for every second. But if you allow me to dive deeper, youll see that I, like everyone else, struggle. Im imperfect. Flawed. Damaged and broken at times. But human. And I try to embrace this existence for what it is: a beautiful mess.

Without the worst, the best wouldnt taste as sweet. No sailor, no fisherman, no captain of a ship has ever earned his stripes on calm waters. Storms, internal and external, enable me to develop my character and become stronger. Of course, its easy to assume that money, fame, and luxury can win over sadness, but thats far from the truth. I really wish it were true. I do. I wish those benefits took away the stress of others constantly watching, talking, assuming, examining, judging, scrutinizing, bashing, and shamingwhich is something that everyone deals with, whether theyre in the public eye or not. I wish I didnt let the words of others stick with me for so long. I wish my thoughts werent self-defeating at times. But when I leap into wormholes of utter negativity, its difficult to find my way back out... and status, success, and good fortune dont provide a ladder out of the pit.