Borg - Dont be a dick: change yourself, change your world

Special Praise for Dont Be a Dick

If you had to design the perfect person to tell you how NOT to be a dick, Marks the guy. I know Mark as a friend, author, contributor, spouse (not mine), parent, surfer dude, and fellow opera-lover, and I can assure you that Mark is the anti-dick. Hes also witty and knowledgeable. Dont be a dickbuy this book.

Hara Estroff Marano, author of A Nation of Wimps, editor at large for Psychology Today

Dont Be a Dick: Change Yourself, Change Your World is a fabulous book that truly is your journey to freedom and happiness! Mark focuses on the key secret that makes twelve-step programs into miraculous crucibles of transformation: Do not harbor or act out of resentmentno matter what someone else has done or not done to set you off. If you do harbor resentment, you, yourself, will suffer. This is a hard truth to grasp, but Mark shows us exactly how it works. And most importantly he shows us how to shed the poison of resentment and rise above it to right action, serenity, and miraculous breakthroughs.

Diana Kirschner, PhD, international bestselling author of Love in 90 Days

In Dont Be a Dick, Mark shows us how to transform the adversarial world into a place of improbable joy and peace by revealing, both to ourselves and to others, the truth about our anxiety and vulnerability.

Daniel Berry, RN, MHA, coauthor of Irrelationship and Relationship Sanity

Borg gets to the problem quickly, hence the title. The solution? Admit, amend, and repeat. Brilliant!

John Turi, author of A Drinker with a Writing Problem

Dr. Borgs latest book is a roadmap for change, leading us to a better world. I plan to send his book to all the dicks I know for the holidays! Seriously, its well-researched, addresses underlying issues that lead to dicky behavior, and provides an easy-to-follow action plan to achieve change. Thank you Dr. Borg for this important book!

Tom Shanahan, author of Spiritual Adrenaline

Mark Borg works out what causes us to unleash our inner jerk on the world. His expert advice paired with a searing sense of humor gives us the tools to deal with self-destructive, us vs. them behaviors once and for all. We all need this book. It really could change the world.

Dana Bowman, author of Bottled and How to Be Perfect Like Me

Dont Be a Dick

DONT BE A DICK

CHANGE YOURSELF, CHANGE YOUR WORLD

MARK B. BORG, Jr.

Central Recovery Press (CRP) is committed to publishing exceptional materials addressing addiction treatment, recovery, and behavioral healthcare topics.

For more information, visit www.centralrecoverypress.com.

2019 by Mark B. Borg, Jr.

All rights reserved. Published 2019. Printed in the United States of America.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

Publisher: Central Recovery Press
3321 N. Buffalo Drive
Las Vegas, NV 89129

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Borg, Mark B., Jr., author.

Title: Dont be a dick : change yourself, change your world / Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD.

Description: Las Vegas, NV : Central Recovery Press, [2019]

Identifiers: LCCN 2019010637 (print) | LCCN 2019012799 (ebook) | ISBN 9781949481037 (ebook) | ISBN 9781949481020 (pbk. : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Change (Psychology) | Interpersonal conflict. | Behavior modification.

Classification: LCC BF637.C4 (ebook) | LCC BF637.C4 B673 2019 (print) | DDC 155.2/4--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019010637

Photo of Mark B. Borg, Jr. by Lisa Ross at Studio Lisa Ross

Every attempt has been made to contact copyright holders. If copyright holders have not been properly acknowledged, please contact us. Central Recovery Press will be happy to rectify the omission in future printings of this book.

Publishers Note: This book contains general information about relationships, recovery, and related matters. The information is not medical advice. This book is not an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider.

Our books represent the experiences and opinions of their authors only. Every effort has been made to ensure that events, institutions, and statistics presented in our books as facts are accurate and up-to-date. To protect their privacy, the names of some of the people, places, and institutions in this book may have been changed.

Cover design by The Book Designers

Interior design and layout by Sara Streifel, Think Creative Design

A long time ago someone left me a mean voicemail, saying, Youve got John. Youve got Jim. Youve got Bill. And thats it! It was true then, and still is. The caller was referring to my short list of soul matesdudes with whom Ive walked in love for decades. John Purple Turi, Jim DeLozier of All Nite Rave, and Bill Zunkel. Add to that list Chris Borg, Mike Dalla, Kristy Matthews, and Danny Berry. These people offer the kind of love that allows me to resist the siren song of dickery. Their love is a cornerstone for all of my endeavors. Its the very foundation that challenges, encourages, and supports me as I strive every day to be a loving and caring husband, father, child, psychoanalyst, author, and friend. This book is both inspired by and dedicated to yall.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PREFACE

Being a Dick Is the Self-Destruct Button

You walk into your shrinks office and say, Whenever I say Fyou to someone, I put myself in a position to be hurt. The bad feeling I want to project onto someone else is happening to me.

In other words, replies your shrink, whenever you say Fyou, youre really saying, Fme.

We all carry around more than our fair share of unexpressed anger. Yet acting like a dick makes you the unintentional target of other peoples hurt, fear, anger, and potential rage, which would otherwise be choked down. The repressed emotions that someone else carries around will have a convenient expression: blasting you. Its that person, then, who inhabits the dick role.

Dickery is synonymous with righteousness, so we experience someone elses reaction to it as an attack. But really, were being counterattacked. Anyone at any time can slip into dickery simply by believing the anger they feel toward another person is warranted, leading to their choice version of Fyou, which is sometimes saying exactly that. Regardless of gender, race, religion, political affiliation, or what have you, we are all similar in this way. Our bad behavior unintentionally triggers counter-reactions from others, and we use their counter-reactions to retroactively justify our righteously indignant, dickish attitude. This cycle of behavior causes us to misinterpret counterattacks as unprovoked attacks. In essence, we victimize ourselves through our own dickery.

Its a miserable way to live. Ive helped many people work through this and all that underlies it. I can help you, too!

The best way to protect ourselves from dicks is to not be one ourselves. Our experience of the world, beginning with our earliest interactions with our primary caretakers, influences the way we interact with other people. If we can understand those moments when the worldor rather, some person in itprovokes us to act like a dick and navigate our way through such moments with awareness, we can, as the Buddha says, learn that our troubles are our best teachers. Our troublesespecially those we invite in through dickerycan teach us: