Carter-Scott - Negaholics

NEGAHOLICS

Stop Being Negative

Reclaim your Happiness

Originally A Ballantine Wellspring Book

currently

Published by Motivation Management Service, LP Publishing Company, Chiang Mai, Thailand

Copyright 1989 by Chrie Carter-Scott

First Ballantine Books Mass Market Edition:

September 1990

First Ballantine Books Trade Edition: August 1996

All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number:

96-96619

ISBN: 978-0-9850136-5-3

Manufactured in Chiang Mai, Thailand

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to all those people who have given their time, energy, dedication, and love to the continuation and perpetuation of our MMS Institute Coach Training, Management Development courses, our personal Development courses, especially, the Inner Negotiation Workshop.

My two loving and dedicated partners: Lynn Stewart and Michael Pomije, without whom it would not have been possible.

To Warren Bennis, Diane Reverand, and Jim Stein, who believed in me and provided feedback in ways that truly enhanced this book.

All the case studies used in this book were based on actual experiences with workshop participants, clients of MMS Institute or The MMS Worldwide Institute. All names have been changed to honor their confidentiality. It is with gratitude that they are acknowledged in their anonymity for their contribution to our work and this book.

Contents

Introduction

1 Negaholism

Do you have Negaholic Tendencies? Danny and his Negattacks Waking up to the War The I can/I cant Negaholism Takes Four Different Forms Attitudinal Negaholism Perfectionist Never-Good-Enough Person Slave Driver Negaholic Behaviors are Demonstrated Procrastinator Pattern Repeater Never-Measure-Up Mental Negaholism Constant Critic Comparing Contestant Retroactive Fault-Finder Premature Invalidator Verbal Negaholics Constant Complainer Bear Trapper Herald of Disasters Gloom and Doomer Self-Sabotage, or Shooting Yourself in the Foot

2 How It All Happened

Loyalty Above All Else An Unconscious Loyalty Toward Your Parents Selective Amnesia Regarding Past Incidents Rose-Colored Glasses Are Used in Hindsight Your True Feelings Were Often Denied or Suppressed The Origin of Negaholism The History of Negaholics The Roots of the Tree Dont Leave Me

What About Me? The Honeymoon Is Over Turning Princes into Frogs In Search of the Tragic Flaw Do You Really Love Me? Prove It Co-Creation: The Cure-All Welcome to Your Dysfunctional Home You Are to Blame! The Layers of the Onion Skin The Puzzle of Parenting The Seven Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family Dysfunctional Families Produce Negaholics

3 Stress and Addictive Behavior

What Is Stress? What Produces Stress? Temporary Relief The Reeses Rush Peeking Underneath the Behavior How I Was Supposed to Be Where Do Addictions Originate? The Addictive Personality Traits The Key Elements Which Underline All Addictive Behavior Why Do You Become Addicted? Triple Imprint

4 To Feel or Not To Feel

Barbaras Breakthrough Ceils Choices Dont Rock the Boat Feeling Left Out Hurts Feeling Are Not Thoughts Creative Case-Building Barometers and Signals Feeling Are Purposeful Disconnection from Feelings Designer Feelings Feelings Are the Lights on the Dashboard of Life Tell Me/I Dont Want to Know Society Looks Down Its Nose Embarrassment Reigns and Terrorizes The Five Steps to the Successful Management of Emotions The Secret Ledger of the Subconscious

5 The Voices Within

What Are the Voices? Identifying Internal Voices Your Choice: Train, Negotiate, or Evict Elena the Workaholic Where Do the Voices Come From? Internal Voice Management Creating Drama

6 Be On The Alert For

The Anatomy of Self-Torment Lifes Getting Too Good, Lets Screw It Up Woe Is Me, What can the Matter Be? The Fear Takeover The Yeah-Buts on the Heels of Choice Toss Me a Life Preserver, Im Going Under!

7 The Antidotes To the Beat-up Syndrome

Be Patient With Yourself Ten Acknowledgments a Day Good News/Bad News List Pats on the Cheek Managing Daily Stress Self-Questioning to Get to the Source Mood Enhancers Reframing Reality Theres Got to Be a Pony Rewriting Your Childhood Management by Fear Management by Participation Self-Management Motivation Through Choice Vision Board Manage Your Motivation The Beater-Meter HMMMMM Self-Trust When You Let Yourself Down Under Promise, Over Deliver Building a Case List Aspiring to Be Your Best Self The Forgiveness Letter Declaration of Selfhood Ritualizing Events Mind Dialoguing to Get off the Fence Steps to get off the Fence Journal Keeping Nurtures The Expectation/Reality Gap The Punching-Bag Relationship The Hall of Mirrors in Relationships Let People Be Who They Are Using Your Body to Unblock Your Feelings Letting the Child Within Out to Play Keeping Your Sense of Humor A Commitment to Making Myself Right, No Matter What

8 Additional Tools for Critical Moments

Emergency Measures Help! How to Conduct an Attitude Adjustment Use Panic Creatively Pulverizing a Panic Attack This is a Job for the Good Fairy Designing Your Own Fire Drill Do It Right One Day at a Time The Practical Use of Prayer The Pitfalls of Prayer Counting Your Blessing Maneuvering Out of the Muck and Mire Reaching Out to Others Murmur a Mantra Using Positive Triggers as a Tap on the Shoulder The Power of Choice Maybe Its Behind the Mayonnaise? What If You Get No Messages

9 Listen to Your Inner Wisdom

Spiritual DNA, the Inner Guide Listen for the Bong A Message to Move The Message Gets You Unstuck Go Stand on the Corner! The Lord Will Save Me! Messages Will Knock You Down If They Have To Messages Come Through Loud and Clear Message Arent Always What They Appear Creative Messages

10 Achievement of Serenity

Survival Struggle Stability Self-Determinism Seeking Striving Stardom Self-Actualization Serenity

APPENDICES

Resources

The Twelve Steps

Bibliography

Additional Titles

About the Author

Introduction

Negaholism is a condition in which people unconsciously talk themselves out of their visions, dreams, and goals. They diminish their capabilities, tell themselves that they cant have what they want, and at times even sabotage their wishes, desires, and dreams. They impose limitations on their capacity to be happy, fulfilled, and make a difference.

This book is about how Negaholism manifests in daily life of normal everyday people. The beliefs, attitudes, and perceptions that keep us disrespected, disregarded, are more the norm than the exception.

When you read this book, you will definitely recognize someone you know who is a Negaholic. You will understand them better and you will feel more compassion rather than judging and avoiding them. You will learn ways to support them using tools and techniques described in this book to help them out of the Negaholic trap. You will help them change old negative patterns and embark on a positive, healthy, and joyful way of life.

In October 1974, I received a message to help people discover their own answers to challenging situations. I knew that I could create a safe environment to help people find their own answers since I had been doing this intuitively all my life. Simultaneously, I received a call from a friend who asked if I could help him articulate his vision for his company and map out a winning strategy. He was an entrepreneur with his own business. After our coaching session, he was so pleased with the results of our session that he told everyone he knew about the safe, exciting, and profound results. My phone started ringing off the hook with requests from a variety of people asking if I could help them with various choices: career selection, relationships, health challenges, where to live, and fulfilling their dreams and goals. It was almost overwhelming, however, I told them that I wouldnt be advising them, but rather asking them probing questions to enable them to discover their own answerswhich were, in fact, much better than any advice I could give them.