Mullins - How to Amputate a Leg

Captive to experience

8 out of 10 people who own samurai swords are wankers

Im going to have to start this book by apologising. I know there are people reading this chapter title right now saying, Yeah, but hes not talking about me. Well, Im sorry, but, in my opinion, if you own a samurai sword, there is a better than good chance that you are, unfortunately, a wanker.

I have not just invented this; unfortunately, I have come to believe this through bitter experience. We are all captive to our experiences and when it comes to people who own samurai swords, mine are all bad. As a general duties police officer you are called to all manner of incidents that occur in shops, factories, hotels, public facilities, hospitals, you name it. If something goes really wrong in our lives, we call the police, and, by and large, the police respond, either by talking on the phone or by physically attending. Often, before anyone else can go and try to fix the problem, the general duties police officer must first go and check it out. We seem to call the police for everything nowadays, not just crime. Neighbours dog is barkingcall the police. Somebody stole your parking spot yesterdaycall the police. Noisy party down the streetcall the police. Cat is stuck somewherecall the police. Car is parked across the road and you havent seen it in the area beforecall the police. Had an argument with your sistercall the police. In many households people have forgotten that, as members of society, we are allowed to have animated arguments with family members without registering said argument with a state or federally administered agency.

Strangely, this sort of thing did not frustrate me the way it did some of my colleagues, and you become very good at dealing with peoplesmart people, not so smart people, good people and bad people, the insane and charming and downright rude and obnoxious. I enjoyed walking into a situation, looking around, speaking for a minute or two, watching how people interact with each other, and then making my assessment. My assessment was never about who was right and who was wrong, because in domestic arguments that was never clear. My assessment just gave me an idea of the things I had to say. Some people needed to be agreed with. Some people needed to be argued against. Some people wanted to feel righteous, and some people just needed us to listen to their side of the story, nothing else, just listen. The idea was to leave the house, hotel, park, hospital, apartment or whatever not having to return, and without anyone handcuffed. You might not think this is true, but for police officers, thats the best possible result.

But, back to my reason for the samurai sword = wanker statement. Responding to all these incidents necessitates you entering peoples homes (and usually they arent expecting guests), and I can tell you, very often when I went to the house of a person who was causing some sort of troublesomeone who was violent or about to be arrested on a warrant, or was difficult, obnoxious, drunk and yelling at the neighbours, or otherwise a knobthere was a samurai sword present, either hanging on the wall in the hallway or in the lounge or bedroom. In the case of criminals, or people who, for some reason, live in perpetual fear of attack and therefore require the use of a sword at a moments notice, the sword would be left leaning against the wall, inside the door, or, alternatively, next to the bed. Wankers all.

I will illustrate my hypothesis (can I call this a hypothesis?) with examples. One day I was working in the western suburbs of Melbourne with Vince, a really cool policeman. I always enjoyed working with Vince because he was steady and courageous (not all police are particularly courageous) and he didnt make stupid ego-based decisions (some do make stupid ego-based decisions). Vince was very direct and was willing to put himself at risk for the job. Also, and more importantly, he was good fun to be around.

OK, so Vince and I respond to an incident where an adult male has been drinking all morning, has thrown his girlfriend out of their house, smashed the house up and threatened violence on anybody who approached the house. Uncool. The girlfriend has also contacted the psych services that have been treating him for depression. (We will talk about mental illness and police interaction with the mentally ill many times before you have finished this book.)

When we get to the house the girlfriend is crying and looks like he has been bashing her about, but she will not say that. She says he was not directly violent to her, but needs the police because shes really worried he will either hurt himself or the psych doctors when they turn up. Shes waiting just down the street from the house, so we ask her for all the information we need to make an assessment of the situation before we go into the house to talk to this guy. Shes definitely scared, not just putting on a turn for the police, and she tells us that he has been thinking about suicide lately, though he hasnt actually said he will kill himself today. Hes an ex-army guy, so, having some army experience myself, I propose to just go in and try to talk to him, guy to guy, soldier to soldier, whatever will appeal. Remember, the best result for us is if we speak calmly and leave in a few minutes with nobody in handcuffs or hurt.

The girlfriend gives me the keys to the house and tells me he has a number of samurai swords inside. Bingo. Wanker. Of course, I had already pegged this guy as a wanker anyway, for hitting his girlfriend. Oh, and naturally he hasnt got one sword, he has a number of them. He must be quite the connoisseur. Well, at this point many police will pull back, call in a police tactical team, get a supervisor, air support and extra police to set up a cordon, get an ambulance and fire brigade on standby, and then go home because the shift has ended.

Now, I am not brave, and I will repeat this many times in this book, but that response is just ridiculous. I will at least go and have a talk to the bloke and see how he is. I would prefer to open the door, go in and say hello and see if we can get to the bottom of this without involving every other police resource in the state of Victoria. I dont think Im wrong in that approach. Im hoping to appeal to him by talking about the army, finding some common ground, appearing as friendly and nonconfrontational as possible. If he comes at me with a sword I will run away. No problem. Also, and this is a big also, I have a gun. In any computer game or Hollywood film you have ever seen, guns beat swords. Every time. If they didnt, I suppose I would have carried a sword all those years, instead of a .38 Special.

Anyway, Vince goes around the back and I go to the front door, call the guys name and announce myself. No response, but fair enough as there is REALLY loud thrash music playing. I look in the large lounge-room window and see that the guy is sitting on a couch facing away from me, leaning forward, with his head in his hands. He doesnt exactly look like hes ready to repel any advance we might make into his house, and seems calm. I give Vince about 30 seconds to get around the back and then put the key in the front door. Vince comes up on the radio to tell me he has entered the back door and is in the kitchen.

Then the girlfriend runs up and says, He used to have an old pistol in the house. I dont think he has it anymore. I havent seen it in a long time. I dont even know if it works. Sorry, I should have told you before. Ahh, yeah, you should have. Well, Vince is inside now and Im concerned that he will confront the guy any second. I tell Vince whats going on via the radio.

I open the door and walk right up behind the guy. Hes totally oblivious. In a situation like this we always have a good look around the general area to see if there is anything close by that could be utilised as a weapon. Well, yeah, the two unsheathed samurai swords sitting on the couch next to him could count as weapons. I cant see anything else around thats more dangerous than the swords, but I cant see everything on the low table in front of him. Im more than slightly concerned about the situation as Vince pops his head around the corner from the kitchen. The guy has not seen him because he still has his head in his hands. I draw my revolver and aim it squarely at the back of the guys head. Vince can see what Im doing and has obviously cottoned on to the situation. We dont usually pull guns out just as a conversation starter, although that ALWAYS does start a conversation.