Rachel - Recipes for self-love: How to Feel Good in a Patriarchal World

Contents

I started Recipes for Self-Love as an attempt to cut through the negative and untrue media that women and transfeminine people are exposed to every day, media that tells us we are wrong and sells us what and how were supposed to be. Over the years, I have discovered some truths that have helped me live a more free lifetruths that are out there, that I believe we may naturally know, but which we have perhaps forgotten or been convinced to disbelieve. This little book, I hope, will serve as a reminder that there is no one way to live or be, and that we write our own manifestos for who we are. Hopefully it will provide you with moments in which you can find triumph and emancipation. My aim is not to be in any way prescriptive; Im not a mental health professional, just simply an ordinary person who seeks to share some ideas that I have found liberating.

We are so often concerned with what other people will think of us that we will frequently go out of our way not to offend or hurt others at cost to ourselves. We will speak quieter, shrink ourselves, act submissively, or overly cheerful in order to gain approval we think we need or to avoid conflict, when ultimately the situation is creating stress for us. Dont feel guilty about wanting to remove yourself from a situation or the company of people who are draining your energy or putting strain on you.

There will be people in your life that cause you anxiety, that stress you out, and who contribute to your unhappiness. These people arent always aware of their effect on you and may not be willing to alter their attitude or behavior toward you, even when confronted. You may need to take responsibility for the negative energy they bring into your life if they wont. If you dont think there is a chance of resolving the situation together, it may be best to remove the person from your life. Your energy is precious, to be used for things that are productive and fruitful. Dont let it be depleted by toxic relationships.

Although it sometimes is difficult, taking the occasional break from your commitments like work or school is very necessary. In order to do your best, you need to be motivated and if your motivation is low it may be a sign that you need to take some time off to recover your energy. When you return, youll have a new sense of vitality and feel more inspired.

As children were often asked the question by adults What do you want to be when you grow up? What they mean by this is What job do you want to have? Usually, the more ambitious the answer the more impressed the adult.

Capitalism values productivity and output above all else, and as we are raised in this system we are indoctrinated by it. We tend to see ourselves and others as more valuable the more successful we/they are. If you get a lot of things done in a day, you feel good, and sometimes if you spend the whole day lying on the couch, you feel bad. This is an effect of living in a capitalist world that projects the idea that the more productive you are, the more worth you have, which of course is not true. This is not to say that being ambitious is a bad thing, but its important to remember that you are more than your output and achievements. You are important and valuable because you are alive right here and now.

Youre not going to be everyones cup of tea, but it doesnt matter: there will be others in this world that you connect with so deeply it makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Dont change yourself in order to get others approval and dont feel the need to apologize for who you are.

Self-care comes in many different forms and looks different to different people. Some care for themselves by being physically active while others care for themselves by doing the opposite and spending the day in bed with a book or movie. Whether its eating a nutritious meal or a delicious piece of cake, going for a long run or having a long introspective session of self-assessment, whatever you need to do to take care of yourself... do it.

You dont always need to show a brave face or force yourself to be strong. Although those things are important, there are times when all you want to do is curl up in bed and hide from the world. When life just seems too much to bear and you just want to escape it all for a while, take some time out, rest, and spend the day being gentle to yourself. Its important.

This can be a very difficult thing to do, but its so liberating to let go of how others are judging you. There will always be people who dont understand you and why you do what you do. Dont bother too much with people like that. Learn to trust yourself and how you feel about who you are. Stay focused on your goals and what you want to get out of life. Ultimately, achieving these things will be more satisfying than anyone elses stamp of approval.

So many things contribute to you being you. Like a multifaceted diamond, you reflect and refract different colors in light. You can enjoy watching bad reality television or soap operas and also be a deeply spiritual person; you can be into nerdy subcultures and also enjoy partying hard. Try not to limit yourself or subscribe too strictly to any characteristics of a culture or subculture you identify with. Feel free to explore and express all the different yous that exist.

You dont have to be okay all the time. Youre allowed to be upset, to be a mess, and to be totally not okay. Life is messy and unpredictable; it throws you curve balls that youre not always going to know how to handle. There is no shame in not being okay.

Its unrealistic to expect yourself to sustain contentment and happiness everyday; its not only impossible but also unnatural. Even in nature living things dont produce all year round; they hibernate, take a break, shrink up, and save energy for the next season of productivity. We are no different. We go through seasons, and sometimes those seasons are hard or unpleasant or full of sadness.

Being honest about feeling unhappy sometimes can make other people uncomfortable because sadness is seen as something negative. They may want to cheer you up, or tell you not to feel sorry for yourself or be so down. You dont have to have an explanation for why you are feeling unhappysometimes there is no reason. Be honest with yourself about how you feel, especially when youre feeling down or experiencing a low mood. Dont be hard on yourself, and remember that life is full of ups and downs so allow yourself to be happy, allow yourself to be miserable, and everything in between.

Life is so full of special bonds and friendships like those shared with pals, family, mentors, romantic partners, and even people you dont know particularly well. Try to surround yourself with those people that really add value to your life, and dont forget about what value you add to the lives of others. Spend time and energy investing in these remarkable relationships so they will grow and last.

Its difficult to be your best self if you arent feeling like yourself. Self-preservation is so important and sometimes in life you need to put yourself first to ensure that youre getting what you need. Prioritizing your own needs when its necessary doesnt mean youre a selfish or bad person; it just means youre taking care of yourself, which will ultimately help you give more to others.

Saying no can take some practice. We so often dont want to disappoint or hurt people and think that saying no to them might do just that. Being a yes person has many benefits, but boundary setting is also important. Remember that you cant control other peoples feelings and cannot be held responsible if your boundary setting isnt found to be agreeable by others. If they care about you, they will understand when you have to say no.