Van Eijk - How not to fall apart: lessons learned on the road from self-harm to self-care

Is this a good idea?

Is this a good idea?

Are we sure this is a good idea?

This is the conversation I have with myself the most, sometimes out loud in the futile hope someone out there will reply. I said it when I told my doctor about my anxiety, I said it when I swallowed my first dose of Citalopram, I said it when I took myself to the ER, and I said it when I was thinking about writing this book.

Is it a good idea to write about something Im still very much in the middle of? It feels like writing about war when Im still on the battlefield or reporting on an earthquake when shockwaves are tearing down houses around me.

Deep down I know that writing this book is a good idea because its whats helping me continue on. I have a Quality Street tin of mental health conditions that sometimes decide to get together and make a joint appearance. One condition at a time is relatively manageable but when they all flare up at once it feels like Im walking around with my head on fire. Only no one can see the blaze. Apart from the scars that run up and down my arms like a train track, everything looks calm. Business as usual.

No matter how shitty your situation is, there is an escape route.

I hope that by writing my story, by turning my brain inside out and making the invisible visible, I can help someone in a similar position, someone who feels theyre stuck in the trenches and theres no way out. What Ive learned so far is that no matter how shitty your situation is, there is an escape route, and every time you climb out youll be more equipped to deal with the next falling down. This book aims to remind people of that, and myself too.

Ultimately, your mental illness lies to you. Itll tell you that everything is wrong and that you have no future. Itll tell you that you should be ashamed and youre a nuisance and you dont deserve to get help. The world in which depression and anxiety reign supreme is extremely lonely, and I wanted to write this book to reach out and say: Hey there, youre not alone, Im right there with you.

Having said that, everyones mind is unique, and while our background and diagnoses might sound similar, my story cant encompass your entire experience. In fact, diagnoses can be a strange thing. I was told I had unipolar depression at age seventeen, then a doctor came along and added bipolar to the mix in my early twenties, another one went back to the original conclusion, and finally, aged twenty-seven I was told I have borderline personality disorder. Each time I received a new diagnosis, I assumed Id step out of my doctors office and my entire life would change, but it never did. Instead, my mental health remained the same tough slog of a thing I have to push through to move forward.

This book isnt specifically about my borderline personality disorder, but it might touch on symptoms of that condition. Ill also touch on depression, anxiety, self-harm, and self-esteem while moving through my bodythe head, the skin, the heartand the world around me. Ill talk about the moments we all have when youre stressed, angry, sad, or all three. When youre plummeting into a sinkhole. When you feel so lost you could do with a map that tells you where you are and where youre most likely going to be tomorrow.

Depression is in no way equal to sadness, but I am sad an awful lot. So Ive also filled this book with little everyday reminders to pull myself out of my brain ditch. There are notes and anecdotes plastered all over my walls, my phone, my notebook, my mirror, and the back of my hand, and Ive put them all together on paper in a way I hope youll find useful. Some of these reminders are set up as lists. I love lists. They impose a sense of organization onto a lot of the chaos that whizzes around in my head. I make daily to-do lists. I make them for work. I make them for when I get home. I make bigger picture lists: week goals, month goals, year goals. I also have lists for things to reward myself with: tattoos, books, films, playlists.

The most important aspect of lists for me is the fact that they are a direct link to the future, even if its as immediate as what Im going to be doing in the next half hour. Lists tell me I need to hang on. They tell me not to give up just yet, which is why Im using them so often in this book. Hopefully theyll have the same effect on you too.

While I hope to offer you the best advice I can, its important to remember that there is no blueprint for experiencing a mental health problem. Theres no one-size-fits-all solution either. Personally, Ive found reading about others experiences to be enlightening and comforting, so I hope this book can achieve that for you. If anything you read makes you feel stressed out or uncomfortable, make sure you speak out and ask for help.

Now lets begin.