Christiana Star - Recover, Rebuild, Thrive

A Love & Write book
PO Box 252
Summer Hill NSW 2130
Australia

www.loveandwrite.com.au

Copyright text Christiana Star, 2018
Copyright design Love & Write Publishing, 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Some names in this book have been changed to protect the identity of the person. The information, views, opinions and visuals expressed in this publication are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect those of the publisher. The publisher disclaims any liabilities or responsibilities whatsoever for any damages, libel or liabilities arising directly or indirectly from the contents of this publication.

A copy of this publication can be found in the National Library of Australia.

Edited by Lisa Macken
Cover design by Farrah Careem
Internal design and typesetting by Jessica Le, Love & Write Publishing

ISBN 978-1-925564-21-1

Contents

Introduction

This book is about change. About external changes that arrive in our lives uninvited and the internal changes necessary to adapt and move on. As a psychologist in private practice this is something with which I have much experience. I also consulted in corporate settings when difficult situations arose: redundancies, accidents, death or suicide of a work colleague, armed hold-ups, abuse and many other critical incidents.

The number of sessions allocated to help the individuals through their experiences was always very limited. They needed something to help them afterwards. As a former teacher I had the skills to develop individually tailored programs clients could use to help themselves. By necessity and inclination I became a very practical psychologist.

My own life journey also had its share of challenges. Two car accidents - none of them my fault - cancer and other illnesses, PTSD, relocating from Germany to Australia and change of profession showed me on a very personal level what it takes to recover and rebuild yourself, and ultimately thrive after difficult changes and adversity.

Every persons path to renewed health and wholeness is different depending on the specifics of the experience, its nature, intensity and duration, the degree of personal resilience and the support afterwards.

However, irrespective of individual differences, picking up the pieces, starting from scratch and re-inventing yourself and your life is like a puzzle of many different fragments coming together. Troubling symptoms need to be addressed, an authentic sense of self restored, intense emotions managed, dysfunctional thinking overcome, relationships negotiated and new life skills activated. But it is much more than that.

While adversity usually includes some form of loss, it also contains the seeds for positive transformation. Both aspects need our attention but the one chosen as the main guiding light determines the future.

One response is to give up in resignation and see the experience as something devastating, never to be recovered from and putting an end to all happiness and a satisfying life. The other choice is more difficult. It requires the willingness and persistence to not only adapt to changed circumstances but more importantly to take full responsibility for our responses and inner life.

This book shows readers how to help themselves for rejuvenation and transformation. Pathways to successful change are illustrated by stories of real-life cases. Names and identifying details of the people involved, as well as their circumstances, have been modified to guarantee anonymity. I encountered the individuals as clients in my private practice or at the many critical incidents I attended. Each story was chosen to represent one particular aspect of self-change. Life circumstances and other people involved are included for clarity where needed but the stories are told with particular focus on my clients. We meet most of them in two places in the book: in the beginning to demonstrate strategies for recovery and rebuilding, and later on in updates showing their way towards thriving.

The book is organised into two parts.

Part 1, Recover and Rebuild is about making a fresh start. The individual chapters deal with:

• The foundational skills needed for navigating change successfully (1).
• Different techniques from many multi-disciplinary fields for calming an overwhelmed nervous system and relieving the physical symptoms of stress (2).
• Discussion and strategies for dealing with loss and grief (3).
• Stress-induced depression, anger and anxiety (4,5,6).
• Changing automatic thoughts and dysfunctional beliefs (7).
• Improving the relationship you have with yourself and standing your ground when challenged (8, 9).
• How to take the initiative and create your own change within the changes imposed on you by external events (10).

Part 2, Thrive, is about completing the transformative journey:

• Guidance for healing painful memories and practising forgiveness (11).
• Building emotional stability (12).
• Living with authenticity and personal power (13, 14).
• Advanced skills for mastering future changes (15).
• Creating new meaning and purpose (16).
• The closing thoughts - Make sure your psychological toolkit is up-to-date - provide a summary of the skills and perspectives needed for successful transformation.

A word of warning. Be mindful of the stage you are at. If your experience is still very raw and your distress substantial, it is probably too early to embark on substantial inner work. Consult ). Leave the structured and reflective work until you feel more settled.

This book presents a comprehensive roadmap for self-change. While its primary focus is the aftermath of difficult life changes, it can also be useful reading for anyone who feels the need for personal transformation and is unsure how to go about it. Read it as a whole or use as a reference when only certain chapters are important or relevant to your own situation.

The message of the book is one of hope and assurance that adversity does not need to destroy you and irrevocably reduce your chances at a satisfying and productive life.

Going beyond loss and damage, you can foster positive new developments, discover unexpected openings, review your attitudes, expand your perspectives and reset priorities. The scars from your experience may remain but your internal and outer lives do not need to be defined by them. Instead you can use your experience as a catalyst for extraordinary transformation and grow into a person with great inner strength, emotional freedom and self-determination.

Chapter 1

Build Strong Foundations

Change rarely follows a straightforward path. Often it is like an obstacle course proceeding in three main phases. The first one is full of endings: things that had been part of your life may no longer be available or possible. Second is a middle zone where you are moving forward into a new direction, but are also still bound by the past. This makes it an often uncomfortable and turbulent space to be in, particularly if you have not chosen the change or it is irreversible. The third phase is characterised by real new beginnings.