Erin Thomas - A Force to Be Reckoned With

Copyright 2020 by Erin Thomas. All rights reserved.

ISBN (Print Edition): 978-1-09833-554-0

ISBN (eBook Edition): 978-1-09833-555-7

Disclaimer

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

This book is dedicated to survivors because sexual assault has no boundaries and neither should a survivors story.

E.T.

Youre not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage.

Alex Elle

Acknowledgments

I express tremendous gratitude to my counselor for knowing when to ask questions and help me make connections and for recognizing when to coach me and give me assignments. I also appreciate when you knew when to put down the notepad and pen, slide to the edge of your chair, and look me straight in the eye. You made a life-altering impact on me.

To Becky, Laura, Tara, Liz, and Susan: It has been a crazy ride through so many different life stages. The wind has taken us in various directions, but we continue to stay tied together. Each of you has been pivotal.

Mandy, where do I even begin? You have been my sole sister with every mile we logged in the sun and rain. You have been my sounding board and my voice of reason. At times, you have been my encouragement and my inspiration. No words can truly express my thankfulness and love.

To my family, who has been supportive and continued to love me through it all. To my parents, you taught me what hard work, dedication, and fighting for what you believe in looks like. Those traits have helped guide my steps and lead my heart. To my rocks at home, Scott and Alana, none of this would be possible without you. Your unconditional love has been what helped me. You supported me during my entire journey and you were my motivation to keep fighting when I didnt feel like dragging myself another inch. God used both of you to help me and He reminds me every day to love you each extravagantly.

Finally, a special thanks to Reverend Dr. Karoline Lewis, Dr. Glenda Nanna, Chris, and Jenny. I appreciate the conversations, emails, guidance, and your willingness to invest and believe in me. Your support and input have been monumental. It is funny to think that this little essay was destined to be anything but little or an essay.

Introduction

Writing an introduction for this book made me restless. I wanted to write something that would motivate and inspire you to keep reading. I wanted it to stir something inside of you that you could identify with. I wanted to start my introduction by explaining the wonderful reason I started typing in the first place. The issue was, if Im honest, that I cant remember why I started typing my story. I believe at first it was my way of getting the dark thoughts out of my head, my way of trying to get rid of all the relentless junk and purge it from inside my mind. It was my way of trying to get to a point of restful sleep, less jumpiness, and tranquility. Then it turned into something that I was trying to comprehend, something that I wanted and began to yearn to understand, even though at points I still questioned why. It was my own twisted and tangled mess of yarn, and I was beginning to try to unravel it. The desire motivated me to break down all of the warped thoughts, feelings, and actions to the point that they were made into dust instead of feeling like boulders I was carrying.

Then, at some point, it started to become something that I believed could actually help someone. My story became bigger than just my personal testimony and my personal path. I cant explain it. For the life of me I have tried, but my mouth becomes like a desert when I attempt to speak and search for the words to answer why and how my pain has given me a purpose and then led me to my passion. Through all of the discomfort, the shame, and the fear that I had been feeling and started to face as I was going through this process of dealing with my sexual assault, came a feeling of peace and direction. The voice was clear and the direction I felt was true north, without a doubt, Help one person . I hope to help at least one person by sharing my story and changing their view of the shame and fear they may carry.

In this book, I bear not just my heart and soul but I bring forth all of the skeletons in my closet. I show the depths and darkness of my spirit. The truth I speak will not hurt me. The issue is that if I do not speak, others will continue to hurt and feel abandoned. I talk about things that I am not proud of and actions that I wish were different. I point out injustice and try to remind everyone that wounds will heal. Yes, I know the scars remain because I have my own to show. Now, the difference is that when I see my scars they do not horrify me, they remind me that I am enough, I am strong, I am resilient, I am a survivor, and I am a force to be reckoned with!

Part I

The Story

The beginning was easy to interpret and uncomplicated. Then came all of the things that were said and thought after it happened, and all the things I thought I would never say.

Chapter

As I Am

I grew up in the country on a dead-end, dusty, dirt road in South Carolina. My mom worked as a secretary for various companies and churches. She was the person who dropped me off at school and helped with homework. My dad is a Lutheran pastor, and his schedule changed on a daily basis. We didnt have neighbors, so most of my time was spent playing with my stuffed animals or my dog, Rocky. Growing up, I spent a large amount of time riding in my moms red and white Dodge Dakota pick-up truck. It was twenty-five minutes to the closest grocery store and my grandparents lived forty minutes away. Because of where my mom worked, I went to school just down the road from my grandparents house. We passed the time on the drive singing George Jones The Corvette Song or mom quizzing me for my dreaded spelling test.

My second home was church. Sundays were all-day affairs with services, childrens choir, youth gatherings, meetings, and special events. Even weekdays involved churchservices, bible studies, and meetings. I spent time helping set up for events or making sure I was out of the way and out of sight when meetings were held. I was comfortable being at church. To me it was a safe place with people I enjoyed and could trust. One of the biggest things I learned during this time of my life was how important it was to take care of people. In fact, my entire family always made that the priority. This precedent was set in many ways. It could have been my grandparents offering vegetables out of the garden to a visitor, taking ginger ale and saltine crackers to a sick friend, calling to see if a fellow church member needed help with a project, or providing a listening ear.

When I was eleven, my family moved to a small town to take over the family furniture manufacturing business. My mother retired from her Monday to Friday job early after heath issues, and she ran the day-to-day business operations. The town we moved to was known for its two railroad crossings and a handful of stop signs. I learned how to drive by cutting grass on a riding lawnmower. A family friend and fellow church member introduced me to golf. I got a job working at the local country club working on the golf carts and driving range. This allowed me to practice between shifts, and I benefited from any members who offered free advice. I stayed busy working at the golf course, going to school, and discovering my future profession of athletic training. In high school, athletic training became a huge passion for me. It brought together two things I lovedsports and taking care of people. An athletic trainer evaluates, provides treatment and rehabilitates physical injuries, and ultimately tries to prevent injury. I learned from Michelle, our high school athletic trainer, how to combine hard work with compassion and healing. Athletic trainers are often the first people at the school to get set up for an event or practice and the last to leave. They put in extra time for treatment on non-practice days. I would describe athletic training as a holistic approach to taking care of a person. An athletic trainer treats the physical injury and ultimately tries to prevent injury. We prepare and practice for the worst possible emergency with hopes that the worst never happens. We spend countless hours with people under our care. We listen, and share in their pain, frustration, and triumphs. We get to know how that person thinks, feels, and acts. An athletic trainer is professional, caring, and compassionate. I fell in love with athletic training, majoring in it in college. I was also fortunate enough to continue playing golf as a college-level student-athlete for one year until I decided to focus all my efforts on athletic training. I was happy and excited. I just couldnt see far enough ahead to know that all of these wonderful thoughts and feelings would have to be stuffed deep down inside of me and all of my foundations would be shattered and broken.