Mia Violet - Yes, you are trans enough : my transition from self-loathing to self-love

YE S , YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH

MY TRANSITION FROM
SELF-LOATHING TO SELF-LOVE

MIA VIOLET

Jessica Kingsley Publishers
London and Philadelphia

C ONTENTS

I N T R O D U C T I ON

My name is Mia Violet, Im a transgender woman, and I originally started writing this book because I was sick of seeing so much misinformation and lies about my community. I wanted to do something to help, to straighten out misconceptions and share my own story so that others could read a detailed tale of what its like to be transgender without the stereotypes and lies. Meanwhile, I admittedly love talking about myself and this seemed like a great excuse to ramble endlessly about my history and varied opinions. But it was mainly the misinformation and helping people thing that drove me to do this. Honest.

When I originally pitched this book, I set my projected word count at what I imagined was a reasonable and realistic size for what I wanted to do. The goal was simple: recount my history of growing up as a transgender person by regaling the struggles and misadventures I had in coming to terms with the truth. Along the way I planned to pepper in discussions and elaborations of relevant topics, such as the facts on the tiresome bathroom debate and the truth about the existence and experiences of transgender children. My hope was that the result would be a book with multiple purposes and wide appeal, while being a light and entertaining memoir regardless of the readers prior understanding and interest in trans issues.

When I came to write the book I found I had a lot more to say than I thought. Delving into extra concepts, such as questioning whether gender is performative and what the state of trans healthcare is, seemed necessary both to bring context to my life and to elaborate on the wider state of contemporary trans rights. Meanwhile, with the help of old diaries and dusty blogs, I revisited forgotten parts of my life and unearthed memories that were vital to understanding my complicated relationship with gender. Amusingly, while writing the book I then began a new transformation altogether, as my transition led to an opportunity to shed negative thinking and pessimistic thought patterns that I had picked up as survival techniques. This felt too relevant and intertwined with my transition to gloss over or exclude. Thus the final result youre currently reading is a book much meatier and more densely packed than I had ever expected it to be. The final length is double the size of my initial projection. Luckily my editor agreed that all of the extra material was well worth including and Im happy nothing unexpected had to be sacrificed to create a breezier read.

So what is this book? At its core its still a memoir, an unflinching account of the ups and downs of being trans; one that begins with my childhood, runs through my messy teenage years, and into my adulthood where my transition finally took place. But along the way the story makes frequent detours, to elaborate about the bigger issues at play in each chapter. There I untangle common falsehoods and explain concepts that are too often missing from mainstream discourse of transgender rights.

The reason for the title is something that will become increasingly clear as the book goes on, but if youre browsing this introduction because youve been wondering if you yourself are trans enough to be transgender, then Im going to give you a big spoiler right now: yes, you are. Despite what youve heard, there are no rigid criteria of clichs that you have to exhibit or a measured level of misery that you need to profess to feel first. Likewise, you dont have to detest your body or weep at the sight of your genitals. To be transgender all you need is to have an inkling that the gender on your birth certificate is not quite right. Thats it.

If that criterion includes you, thats not to say you should absolutely run out and start your own transition right now. But I do want to gently reassure you that if youve been looking for an excuse to identify as transgender, this is it. This is your permission to explore these feelings and work out what gender you really are. However, I also know that a nudge like this is rarely enough to put confusing feelings at ease, nor is coming out as transgender a choice you generally make because the opening few paragraphs of a book told you to. But its my hope that if you stick with me, then the rest of this book can help you reach a conclusion about whats best for you.

As a transgender woman who often encourages people to reach out to her if theyre anxious or questioning their gender, Im used to inviting people to try out any label that feels fitting. When I say this, the persons response is usually to exclaim with horror that they cant call themselves transgender because theyd be co-opting the trans experience of suffering and resilience. Theyre wrong. That identity belongs to them just as much as it belongs to me. But I know exactly why they hesitate to call themselves transgender, because I did too. I was in that same position for a very long time. I used to feel that the transgender label was something that couldnt be taken unless it was bestowed upon you, or earned through a fiery trial of harassment and mental anguish. I spent years absolutely convinced that I wasnt trans enough. The entire reason why I was so averse to that descriptor is complicated and multifaceted (and included in this book) but a simple explanation is that the media had done such a shoddy job of illustrating what its like to be transgender, I didnt think I could possibly belong to that same group.

Instead of portraying the nuance and the variety of the trans community, documentaries and editorials often reduce us to sensationalist one-note characters. Our lives are routinely repackaged in a straightforward narrative that begins with a painful gender nonconforming childhood, and ends with us on an operating table to receive elective surgery. Its an overplayed and well-known story but it only rings true for a fraction of us. When I engaged with these stories I didnt see anyone like me. I was assigned male at birth, thanks to my genitals, and unlike the trans women I saw on TV I never played with dolls, I didnt want surgery, and I didnt think I was that upset about being raised as male. Clearly I wasnt trans enough. Except that I was, because theres no such thing as not being trans enough.

That may all sound like I abandoned my old life and transitioned for no reason, as if I wanted an excuse to wear dresses and I thought it might be fun to grow a pair of boobs (it is fun by the way). But I can assure you thats not the case either. Only trans people transition. Nobody who isnt trans looks at the loss of personal safety, the probability of abandonment, the employability issues, the health risks, the large financial cost and the fact were constantly a target of ridicule and harassment, and then decides that theyre going to transition anyway just for kicks. But the idea that were all born with a sense of what gender we are and leap at the first chance to tell someone is completely wrong too.

You rarely see it in the media, but many trans people agonise over whether to transition or not. We analyse our histories, we panic about the future, we blame other factors for our problems, and we even concoct ridiculous scenarios to frame the decision in a way that might illuminate the answer. When worrying about whether to transition or not we often ponder about a magic button that instantly transforms our body, or a reality-altering wish that could mean nobody ever knew us as the gender we were assigned at birth. Although this has become a bit of a clich, it helps us to focus on the end result, to question if a guaranteed fast and painless transition would be any more enticing. We almost have to trick ourselves into seeing the truth by stripping out all the baggage that weve been taught about trans people, because so much of it is rooted in sensationalism. When most of us begin our own transition, making the change from one gendered presentation to another, we have no idea if its going to work out. We just know that we have to try.