Olga Bogdashina - Autism and Spirituality

Acknowledgements

I was encouraged and inspired to write about spirituality and autism as part of the ASPARRG academic network (Autism Spectrum People and Religion Research Group) and I want to thank everyone in it for stimulating my interest in this fascinating subject.

My gratitude goes to the autistic individuals who are willing to share their experiences and ideas in order to educate us all about the diversity of human thinking and ways to perceive the world around us.

I would like to thank the members of an inspirational (online) group of individuals who have shared their unique insight into the capabilities and diversities of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Feeling that I am a member of this community inspires me to continue to research and discover the different parallels and concepts associated with societal differences. Special thanks go to Mar, Diny, Nancy, Teun and Andrea for their willingness to discuss very unconventional subjects that have enlightened all the participants of these discussions.

The book would not have been written if it were not for my children, Alyosha and Olesya, and my closest friends Lucy and Peter, whose support (and patience) has helped me to complete this book.

And of course, Id love to thank my publisher, Jessica Kingsley, and all the staff at JKP who were very supportive of this project. This book benefited greatly from the skills of my production editor, Victoria Peters, and copyeditor, Helen Kemp. However, the shortcomings, whatever they may be, remain my responsibility.

Afterword

The wind whispered and created music as it propelled itself all around me, lightly touching the grass and weaving its way through the branches of the tree. I sail within the wind.

Curled under a majestic tree, I was safe and felt a belonging as I listened in wonderment to the stories the tree told of what it had seen and experienced. On the ground in front of me, the ants methodically worked as a unit for their very survival. I became one of them. I was part of. I was at peace.

Recently, a parent asked me where her autistic child is when he appears as if he has gone away into a different world. I asked her if she goes to yoga or another meditation-type class. She does. Our discussion continued until I finally said to her, where your child goes is the same place you are paying someone to teach you to goaway. Society strives to pull those on the spectrum into a world of confusion and is afraid for them when they appear so distant. Yet society invests a lot of money in their quest to go to this same distant place. Personally, I consider it one of the gifts of autism to have a mind emptiness that can be naturally achieved; ASD individuals need this as they are forced and force themselves to interact exhaustingly within society. Autistic individuals are protected and embraced under the umbrella of the autism spectrum. It is the typical society that is standing in the storm.

Spirituality is referenced throughout history and has been translated diversely to serve humanitys thirst for answers to their yet undiscovered questions: to see beyond what has been scientifically proven, or accepted as true and taught as ideal, to achieve an innate awareness of reality, as to connect with all things in a harmonious reality.

Autism is considered a mystery of the mind, a neurological disorder that seemingly distances an individual into a realm of communication deficits and social blindness so that the person appears lost within a world of different perceptions and awareness.

As a child I could sense all of what was within nature and never did I feel I was observing from a different world but instead was a part of and belonged amongst the trees, the wind and the natural elements of all non-human living things. I could go away, not be here nor there, I just was. The natural wonderment and curiosity of childhood innocence allowed me to naturally and willingly succumb to all that was, without an awareness of it being an apparent experience.

As I aged and became infected with the expectations and demands of societal conformity, my connection to the natural essence and harmony of my environment began to fade. I learned about the pressure to excel within the standards and earn entitlement (privilege). I felt as though strings were being attached to a body, my body, the one that surrounded me and held me captive from truly being part of all things that were natural to me. The strings would pull me, and lead me to places where my senses would be bombarded with noise, intrusive sights, continually forcing meaningless information into my memory. Anxiety began to consume me as I was pulled further away from everything that just naturally existed for me. To fight back against the anxiety, I found and began to understand the peace I have inside that is a natural awareness that just is. It is neither timed nor prepared for, it is as if my mind and emotions just know, allowing me to release to all that is and I calm. There are no thoughts, no sense of self, no awareness of environment, no sense of body or mindjust gonemindlessness. If I am placing effort on finding a balance within, focusing on my breathing, there remains a sense of being, of mindfulness. Mindlessness is no longer possible.

In order to survive, I learned to refine my childhood innocence and wonderment of all things real into an art of emotional achievement. Afraid that I would lose my cherished youthful connection and no longer be able to naturally achieve the experience and essence of awareness, I began to preserve my sense of self as I travelled within the confusing and sensorily overwhelming environment of society. I learned to adapt my connection to all, and discovered I could also express and remain connected with the fundamental nature of my reality, through the art of writing. I could express my thoughts and emotions and thus communicate to others who I was and still am. Where I did not fit in socially and lacked in societys standards of learning, I could effortlessly write. My perceptions, perspectives and internal self that sensed all in my environment, although I did not belong among others, through writing from my spirit, I could share. My capability to write allowed me a sense of comfort and a safe place to return to when the world became overwhelming. At the same time in my life, I also discovered that I could remain connected to the natural world (the non-human world) through the spirit of the horse. Horses became my teachers, my guides. I could sense each of their emotions as though they were speaking to me telepathically. I learned the language of twitches, body movements, vocal sounds, and found balance and acceptance. The spirit of the horses allowed me to remain open and connected to all things as I grazed with the herd.

Temple Grandin tells of her journey as an autistic individual and how her connection and purpose in her life became apparent through her natural connection with cattle. She talks openly of how she could not just sense the cattle but physically and emotionally feel the spirit of the cow, as if she and the cow were as one and the same existence. Temple did not see herself as the cow; she describes how she could, and still does, experience a connection to the sensory and emotional experiences of the cattle and then would place herself into the situation that the cattle were experiencing. I, too, am able to sense and experience through the animal, through the horse.

Religion frightened me as a child. The stories that were told in church taught me how cruel the world could be. The verses that were read and repeated, I understood literally and feared the messages many expressed: Now I lay me down to sleepif I die before I wake. I became afraid to sleep! I also could not understand why it mattered what I wore to go to church. The itchy frills on the dresses I was required to wear irritated my skin and frustrated me. At church and during Sunday school, I questioned why they spoke about the beauty of all things natural but we should be in a building that was so unnatural and noisy with pictures and windows depicting violence and death. Why should I be praying to achieve a connection to all things when this can be better achieved by the experience of the true connection to nature itself ? I felt a deeper connection once services were over and I could exchange my Sunday clothes for my blue jeans and stroll through the forest near our house. In my later years I rediscovered the value of different religious beliefs and the service they provide within different societies as people reach out for guidance and answers. I do not judge nor speak of religion as I have no right to decide or have power over another human beings choices and ideals. I instead choose to communicate through my thoughts and actions for all things, an openness, to not just practise but to be patient, gentle, compassionate and altruistic. My ability to belong within all things will remain as I will not compromise who I am in my existence as an autistic individual. I am content to remain transfixed on the splashes of rain as it synchronises a rhythm in the puddles, to go away and be neither here nor there but instead be mindless with no sense of space, only openness.