John Kirwan - All Blacks Dont Cry

Depression was not something I ever thought would happen to me. In fact, when it happened, it took me years to acknowledge it. Like many people, I forced my dark feelings and fears to the back of my mind and just pushed on in life, even though every day was a superhuman struggle to seem normal. Mostly, I was afraid terrified of what I might become, what I might do, and terrified that I would lose all the things I loved about my life.

Finally, I hit rock bottom that time at my sisters house. I had lost all hope of happiness, even of just being normal, and I was exhausted from secretly fighting my black monster.

That moment was the turning point for me, though. Finally I did what I should have done right back when my panic attacks began: I reached out to the right people; I acknowledged I had a problem, and with that acknowledgement came the first steps on my journey to wellness.

Most importantly, I found hope a sense that things can and will get better and I clung to it in the same way youd hang on to a life raft if youd been shipwrecked in a stormy sea. Holding on to hope was how I got through depression.

Ive been to hell and Im back. If youre in that place where I was, then I understand what youre going through. If youre in that place, and you dont feel any hope, take a look at me and use my story.

Id like my story to be like the strong arm that reaches over the side of the rescue boat and plucks you out of the sea: Ive been where youre at, and now Im well, and Ive figured out a way to keep myself well. I have lost my fear of that black monster.

In fact, my life is better than it ever was. Im not just well Im fantastically well! I look at life so differently and so positively now that people say how do you do it? and thats really why I wanted to write this book: to share my experience with you, and to tell you that life can be better. Maybe you cant see an end to the way youre feeling right now, but there is an end. There is a way through. There is hope.

Depression is an experience that I would never play down. Its like a black hole, and itll suck the life out of you if you dont get help. However, Id also like to share with you, right at the beginning of this book, that in some ways having depression was a gift for me.

What do I mean by that? I understand that if youre currently in the middle of depression that will seem bizarre and even a bit cheesy, if not downright offensive. Yet its true I am in a better place in my life now because of what I went through. I mean, if you asked me to choose between having it and not ever having it, Id say: I dont want it. But Ill tell you what I wouldnt be: I wouldnt be as sensitive. I wouldnt be as caring. I wouldnt be as well-rounded a person as I am now.

So, did I like it when I was in there? No. Am I a better person? Yes. Will you be a better person? Yes. Its going to be hard, but I tell you, at the other end of this experience youre going to be a whole lot better from a human point of view. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you feel like the loneliest person in the whole world? Look around you. The figures tell us that one out of every five women and one out of every eight men will suffer depression at some point in their lifetime. Globally, depression is one of the leading causes of disability that is, its one of the main reasons why people find themselves unable to go to work or to run a home and a family. So, although you might feel alone, you are not alone.

When I was depressed, there were people who didnt take me seriously because they looked at my life and saw me as incredibly successful: physically powerful, an All Black, top of my game everything that seemed to stand for strength and success.

One of the hardest things for me, when I first started talking about depression, was that some of the people I told about my fears actually laughed. They knew me, and they knew that my fears werent based on truth, so they didnt take me seriously. What they didnt understand was that, for me, in my depressed state, the fear was real.

This might be the same for you. You might feel that no one will understand you or sympathise with you because it looks from the outside as if your life is all going well. They think that you should be grateful for what youve got.

But depression doesnt discriminate. It has no prejudice. You can be rich or poor, unemployed or in charge of a company, black or white, male or female it doesnt matter. Its not an indication of personal weakness: its an illness and it can strike anyone.

This is a very individual journey. The causes of my unhappiness will not be the same as yours. The way my depression played itself out will probably be different to yours, and the particular things Ive found that keep me well will be different for you. That doesnt matter; while the answers will be different for everybody, the questions are the same. Were going to have a lot in common, believe me.