P. M. Forni - The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude

I F ANYTHING CHARACTERIZES THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, ITS OUR INABILITY TO RESTRAIN OURSELVES FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

James Katz

This is how Marci recalls the one encounter with rudeness that sticks in her mind:

Needing to run a quick errand before work, I threw on a business suit and ran out the door. Driving north on a wide through street, I climbed a small hill to a stoplight. A man in another car was waiting for me to pass so he could pull out of his subdivision. I did pass and then stopped at the red light a few yards up to make a left turn. The man pulled up alongside me to turn right at the light and leaned out of his window. The nasty expletive exploded from his lips. It was pure spite delivered with shocking bluntness. At least the kids werent in the car to hear him. Shaken, I began to tremblenot with anger but with the sting of an unexpected wound.

Why me? Why such an extreme reaction? Didnt he see I was just a working mom, driving my minivan to work? I wasnt ignorant or inconsiderate, selfish or dim-witted, and I certainly was not what he called me! The unfairness of it all hit me. Should I follow this man and at the first opportunity demand an explanation?

Maybe offer an apology? No, better to do my errand and get to work. I began to cry.

I felt so abused, so punished, so violated, so deeply hurt, and eventually very angry that I could not defend myself. The incident affected me for days afterward. The next time I climbed that hill to the stoplight, I looked around to see what I might have done to cause the outburst. Eventually, after a long time, I realized it was more the mans problem than mine.

Marcis tale is unusual only because she never did find out what caused the strangers outburst. Her emotions, however, are quite familiar. All of us have been shocked by people behaving rudely. Rude relatives, bosses, co-workers, fellow drivers, and strangers in literally all circumstances of life have made us feel at fault, helpless, and angry. We have bristled at the unfairness of their attacks and at times endured lingering hurt. Clearly a problem in the lives of individuals (with negative effects not only for its victims but also for its perpetrators), rudeness is also a social problem with costs estimated in the billions of dollars.

Rudeness may be everybodys everyday problem, but millions remain unprepared for their encounters with it. This book aims to help you find exactly what rudeness is and how it works. Most important, you will learn how to defend yourself effectively and civilly from its daily challenges. Being civil is the sterling strategy for rudeness prevention. If you are respectful and considerate, most of the people with whom you come in contact will be motivated to be the same in return. When rudeness cant be prevented, civility is still your best choice, as the stories that follow show over and over again.

Although we cannot hope to ban rudeness from our lives altogether, we can limit both its occurrences and its impact. When we handle it well, we feel good about ourselves and reap other substantial benefits, such as healing wounded relationships. Being prepared is half the solution to any problem. Put this book to work for you, and never let rudeness catch you unprepared again.

P RECISELY BECAUSE RUDENESS IS QUITE COMMON, IT IS NOT A TRIVIAL ISSUE. INDEED, IN OUR DAY-TO-DAY LIVES IT IS POSSIBLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MORE PAIN THAN ANY OTHER MORTAL FAILING.

Emrys Westacott

O UR ABILITY TO DEAL WITH RUDENESS IS SOMEHOW RELATED TO HOW WE HANDLE GRIEF, AND THE SERIES OF STEPS THAT WE GO THROUGH IN COPING: SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, ACCEPTANCE, AND FINALLY RELEASE. OF COURSE THE NARRATIVE FOR A LOSS OCCURS OVER A PROTRACTED PERIOD OF TIME, WHILE THE RUDE ENCOUNTERS NARRATIVE IS FAR SHORTER.