David Richo - How to Be an Adult in Relationships : The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

I am touched and delighted to welcome this twentieth anniversary edition of my book, now at a quarter million copies in twelve languages. Over these years I have been deeply gratified by responses from people all over the world about how my book has helped them. This has meant so much to me since I write as a spiritual practice with the intention of sharing what I have learned for the benefit of others. I am thankful my words have connected with so many people. An even more amazing grace is the bond I feel between readers and me. That is what I cherish most of all.

The origin of this book was in my conviction that relationships, like anything else of value, require tending. They do not improve or even last on their own. Since they are not self-sustaining, they require upkeep, like gardens, cathedrals, and bodies. Tending combines ongoing psychological work and spiritual practice on the part of all concerned. This book is meant to be a maintenance manual. It shows how we can lovingly tend our tender bonds so they can thrive. A relationship prospers when we dont give up on love, no matter what, and we keep upgrading and repairing too. The topics of this book are geared to help us in this beautiful enterprise.

In this book, we look at what trust entails, how our childhood figures into our choices and actions and our fears of intimacy or commitment; how relationships go through phases; how the self-centered ego can bow to mutuality; the importance of showing and responding to feelings and honoring boundaries; working out conflicts; remaining mindful and heartful in communication; and nourishing our commitment by a daily giving and receiving of the five As of love: attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, allowing. Such challenges dont have to scare us. We can handle them with the help of some guidelines and recommendationswhat I hope this book offers. Everyone has the capacity to love; anyone can learn how to do so generously and effectively. That is why we do not need to be afraid to embark on the journey of relationship.

The present edition contains the material of the original edition with a few changes. Each chapter is still here, but the book is no longer divided into three parts. The discussion of anger is now included in chapter 5, When Conflicts Arise, and the chapter When Relationships End is now the last chapter of the book. I have done some modernizing of the text and upgraded some concepts. For instance, today we might use the word caregivers, who are not always parents. We see a variety of relationship styles, for example, polyamory instead of just couples. Likewise, online dating is also much more common, rather than meeting only in person. We communicate through text and social media and not just by email or phone. Even with these changes in how our relationships form and are sustained, the core message of this book remains the samewe can all find love in our lives and grow in how we express it to ourselves and others. I have not specifically addressed all the changes in the relationship world in this edition, as I wanted to preserve the overall purpose of the book: to explore the heart and soul of relating rather than to cover all the new shapes relationships are taking. There are many other books available now that address contemporary styles of meeting, of designing a bond, and of all the other possibilities we now behold in the new landscape of relationships and of how we self-identify. Hopefully, the message of