The Babylon Bee - How to Be a Perfect Christian : Your Comprehensive Guide to Flawless Spiritual Living

If youre reading this, we want to congratulate you. In the vast sea of Christian books written by talented authors to strengthen your faith, supplement your walk with Christ, and teach you valuable truths about God and Christian living, you picked this one. Reallygreat job.

Maybe this book caught your eye because you just know, deep down, that you have what it takes to be a perfect Christian. Or perhaps you already feel that youre amazingly special, sinless, and beautiful, no matter what the Bible has to say about that. Or maybe you went on an impulsive Christian bookbuying spree while browsing the Internet late one night and have no recollection of ordering this guide or the collected works of Karl Barth that showed up on your doorstep like magic this morning.

Whatever brought our paths to cross, we at The Babylon Bee want to welcome you on a glorious adventure to become a perfect Christian which you will assuredly be by the time you finish reading this book. The storms of life may howl and the rocks of doubt may threaten to dash you to pieces, but if you cling to the one sure hope that the potential to be perfect lies within you, you will succeed.

What is a perfect Christian? We asked three biblical scholars and theologians this question, and in our extensive research, we found that a perfect Christian is one who conforms to the man-made standards of the Christian faith in any given age. Conforming to the status quo is the goal. Living out your faith in the way cultural Christianity dictates is the only way youll truly be satisfied in your Christian walk.

So if you want to be perfect, as the great theologian Steven Curtis Chapman once said, Saddle up your horses, weve got a trail to blaze. Lets go!

You may not know the road to Zion yet, but thats why were here. Well point out the way along the tried-and-true path to complete Christian perfection. Well walk alongside you as you take each painstaking step toward igniting the divine spark within until you arrive at the peak of the Christian life, delighting in the knowledge that you are amazing. Well be here holding your hand, like that creepy kid at junior high group who would do it as a joke but then never actually let go through all fourteen choruses of Lord, I Lift Your Name on High.

We want you to be such a great Christian that bards will write songs of your greatness for years to come. A few decades from now John Piper will use your life as an example of radical, Christ-centered, God-saturated, all-satisfying sacrifice in one of his books. Maybe a supercool worship band will even write a song about you, using a deep, esoteric metaphor about a hurricane or a blazing inferno.

See, to become perfect, you need to be baptized in the glorious waters of Christian culture. Cultural Christianity is an amazing thing. Its a perfectly preserved bubble of everything that made the church awesome in 1950, like gospel quartets, three-piece suits, and pipe organs, with all the good vibes and positive energy from the sixties. Those who are submerged under its depths never surface, but instead they are transformed day by day into the radiant image of the modern American Jesus.

Hold the phone! you might be exclaiming aloud to the book youre holding. Youre probably wondering whats wrong with the Christian life that youre living right now. Well, if youre like many Christians, you struggle with sin. You arent ever sure that youre good enough. You know God is a God of grace, and yet you dont always measure up. You dont always feel like a good Christian, let alone a perfect one.

If reading this has made you realize your Christian walk is less than a victorious one, dont worry. Youre not alone. Many Christians just trudge through life without ever attaining to the higher levels of the Christian faith. The root of your problem is that youre not trying hard enough to become perfect by your own efforts. Youre trying to do the Christian life by the grace of God, allowing Him to gradually change you by the power of His Word. This works for some people, but its not befitting a true believer.