Aimee Byrd - Why Cant We Be Friends?: Avoidance Is Not Purity

This is a book that I didnt want to writeuntil I really wanted to write it. I couldnt not write it.

The strange thing is that I know this will be a controversial book. Im going to make the case that men and women can and should be friends, along with describing a biblical theology that answers why and how we can pull this off. In fact, I will argue that Christian men and women are more than friendswe are brothers and sisters in Christ, and we need to act according to who (and whose) we are.

Already, after reading these few short lines, you may have formed a strong opinion of me. Maybe you think its crazy to even have to write a book about something so obvious, or maybe you think Im completely naive about how men and women think and what leads to affairs. Thats why I didnt want to write this book.

My own view on this issue has changed throughout the twenty years of my marriage. In the past, I would never have flat-out stated that men and women cant be friends at all. I dont expect most of my readers think that either. But I had a big pile of caveats that made me wonder. Does friendship hurt marriage? Does marriage hinder friendships?

I see these questions in others as well. Most Christians who wonder if men and women can be friends are passionate about purity and faithfulness in our marriages. We want to be smart. We dont want to be naive about sin or to cause anyone to stumble. We want our marriages to last, affair and pornography free, and we want our sons and daughters to be chaste. We expect the church to be a safe place amidst a sex-obsessed culture. But we have watched high-profile, respected pastors become involved in devastating sexual scandal. We have seen friends fall into sexual sin. Some of us are children of divorce due to affairs. And some have been victims in our own marriages. Sexual sin is painfully destructive. When we think of the power of temptation and the ramifications of sexual sin, it seems natural to ask whether men and women can be friends. Many people caution that attempting friendship is just playing with fire. Why risk it?

Over my years of blogging and social media experience, I have discovered that some topics bring out the fighters on both sides. Sometimes Ive been surprised at the divided responses to things I have written aboutthings like womens bathing suit choices, gluten, the Trinity, and who can teach Sunday school. Sure, I expect people to have strong convictions. But we also need to be discerning about which hills we are actually going to die on. Some topics, like the Trinity, are worth duking it out overbut Ive decided that I dont want to provoke unneeded controversy on an issue such as gluten. Its just not worth losing friends over. Ive learned to pick my battles.

Well, friendship between the sexes is another hot button that provokes passionate interaction. Its an issue that the church has often stubbed its toe on. And Im just foolhardy enough to write a book about it! Why, Aimee; why ?

I wrote this book because I want us to be biblically faithful in a very important area: our relationships. I want marriages to be better. I want singles to have more meaningful relationships. And I want the next generation to grow up with a better understanding of how men and women view each other.

What is the quality of your relationships? How would you describe your relationships in the home? In the workplace? In the church? In the neighborhood? If youre single, hows that going for you? What about if youre dating? If youre married, how is your marriage? Do you tend to be jealous or suspicious? Scared? Guilty? Superior? Are you lonely? Unsatisfied? Maybe youre just stressed trying to live a life of purity and not really sure what that looks like from day to day. What do you do when youre attracted to someone? What happens when you suddenly have teenagers who are at dating age? Is that even a thing? If youre married and have to work closely with the other sex, how hypervigilant do you need to be? Can you drive to a meeting or share a lunch break with a person of the other sex? If youre a pastor who wants to shepherd your whole congregation well, is your office off limits to half (or more) of your congregation? What about email? Can men and women email?

You see, a lot of questions fall underneath the broad question of whether men and women can be friends. We assume that we know the meaning of friendship in that question, but I have discovered that many people do not.

In this book, I am going to argue that men and women in the church should not only be friends, but actually be more than friends. Unfortunately, as eager as the conservative church is to speak out against the sexual revolution and gender identity theories, she often appears just as reductive as the culture surrounding her when it comes to representing our communion with God in our communion with one another. But Scripture tells us over and over again that Christian men and women are more than friendswe are brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul tells Timothy to treat gender distinction in a familial way. He petitions him to appeal to the older men as fathers, the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity (1 Tim. 5:12). This says it all. Paul doesnt give Timothy a bunch of details on how to treat a father or a sister; we already know how to do that. Its a respectful way to relate to one anotherand, when we relate this way, we remove the possibility of sex.

We have lost the beauty of brotherhood and sisterhooddistinction between the sexes that doesnt reduce them to sex alone. The way that we relate to one another sends a messageto one another and to the watching worldabout who we are. We are Gods people! And in his Word, we can learn a lot about the types of relationships he wants us to have in his household.

When we start talking about whether a man and a woman can be friends, we begin to question Gods plan for human sexuality. Is our sexuality to be ultimately expressed in the union of one man and one woman in marriage? Is sex the fundamental expression of our sexuality? Will we be sexual beings in the new heavens and the new earth? If so, how will we express our sexuality in eternity, and how does that affect the way we relate to one another now?

These questions cant be hashed out 140 characters at a time on social media threads. They cant be answered well in a series of blog posts or on a conversational podcast. And I am convinced that theres too much at stakeboth theologically and practicallyfor me to keep watching them be argued in magazine articles and Twitter threads. I cant take it anymore. I want to address whats behind the Why cant we be friends? question. And I want to do it in a reasonable tone so that those on both sides of the issue can come together and engage with me. We have the same concerns, and we all need to be sharpened.

Many of the current prescriptions for appropriate behavior for men and women have skipped over the foundational thinking that helps us to grow in wisdom, discernment, and fruitful relationships. Four theological categories underlie the answer to this friendship question, and Ill need to use some theological terms for the sake of precision. Throughout this book, we will see that what we believe in these four areas affects how we view relationships between the sexes:

• Anthropologythe study of human beings. Why were we created? Why does that matter? A theological anthropology is the foundation to our understanding of friendship. We are created for communion with God and one another.