Cynthia Rowland McClure - The Monster Within: Facing an Eating Disorder

1984, 2002 by Cynthia Rowland McClure

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2011

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-3153-6

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.

Scripture is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version . NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

To

My God, who led me out of the valley of the shadow of death into a life to be embraced.

Mike Moore, how do I thank you for saving my life? Thank you. Ill just keep telling the story.

My parents, Bob and Joye Rowland, for loving me and wanting the best for me.

Shelley, who gives me the hope that all the time given is worth the giving of it.

All the women and men who need hope to overcome. May you fight your monsters with truth, a safe place to shed healing tears with a heart filled with the knowledge that your Creator, the Father of all fathers, our God wants your life to be whole.

C ONTENTS

I NTRODUCTION

I F YOU NEED COURAGE , I give you mine as you read this. If you need hope, I believe with all my heart, this story will offer it.

Hope. Its the word that means you dont see the good that is going to happen, but you believe its going to happen.

Is there really hope to be normal, Cynthia? Can I really get well, Cynthia? Everywhere I am asked these questions. In the words of letters I read. In the faces I see after I share my journey. In the voices I have heard on the phone. Hope. But to get to hope, you must have courage to face and battle the monsters within.

For twelve years of my life, I lived with bulimia and anorexia. How my body survived, I dont know. But more than anything, I have had to grieve over the lost years when I felt so emotionally numb. I never felt like I belonged. I longed to be normal.

What is normal? I believe that embracing life and all its smiles and tears is normal. Understanding that evil exists. That parents may not have known how to parent you and this world is messed up, but you can be whole despite all the junk. People can make the decision to not let their abusers win.

Those who have an eating disorder are obsessed with the body, not the heart. But it is the heart that is really hungry. You see, as long as I only thought about my weight, I didnt have to deal with the locked up secrets, my family, abandonment.

Studies show that as many as one out of three college coeds have an eating disorder. People magazine reported recently that there are 8 million anorexics88 percent of them young women, which means the rest are men and children who are just as desperate.

Those who have no patience or dont understand why people struggle with eating disorders need to understand that it is a symptom of other hurts. The body is in pain when you dont eat or purge or binge until your stomach is so stretched your back muscles hurt. You feel like you want to die, and in turn those of you who have eating disorders may have a death wish. The eating disorder is horrid, but deep inside the spirit of the heart is hungry. Somewhere it has been damaged.

For over eighteen years my story has been heard or read. I have listened to and counseled so many hungry hearts I lost count. But when it gets down to the nitty gritty of why the person, male or female, is hurting their bodies, the questions I always ask are What are you really hungry for? When did the madness begin? What was going on in your life and who told you you were damaged?

After people hear me speak or read this book, I am always asked, Cynthia, are you really well? And I can say without hesitation, yes. Does this mean my life is perfect? Absolutely not, but the eating disorder is not in my life because, with my therapists help, I learned to feel and deal with life. Sometimes not very wellI fall but I get back up. You know, it was a lot easier to have an addiction. Being obsessed with something is easy. Walking through the truth of the past, confronting it, and fighting for a real life is the hard part.

I have learned that in order to forgive, you must remember. This is my story. My prayer is that it will help parents and wives and husbands have grace on their loved one. My hope is that it will give some answers and encourage those living with this monster to find a safe place and safe people who understand why there is a death wish and turn it into a life wish.

Life is waiting for you. Right now I give you my courage.

T HESE ARE MY THOUGHTS , letters, and stories about the monster that had been locked up within me for so many years.

It is not only an account of my battle to overcome bulimia, but also about the people who made me understand my multiple underlying problems. In fact, it is about people who had their own monsters to conquer, and who with their love, tears, and words helped me through my death wish, my emptiness, and grieving to become truly alive for the first time in my life.

We were all fighting our own monsters: bulimia, obesity, anorexia, alcoholism, drug addiction, insomnia, depression, loneliness. We struggled to overcome our desires to die, because we desperately wanted to feel, to be full of peace and love, to be truly alive.

All the words are true. The names of the people have been changed to protect their identities.

The Monster

It lies deep inside me.

Its sole purpose is to destroy me

to snatch me

to engulf me

when I am empty, sad, lonely, desperate, angry or weak.

It lives to destroy me, even when my soul feels happy or has just a glimmer of peace or hope.

The monster knows at exactly which moment to attack me.

It knows if I lock it up in a room inside my soul, I will soon release it.

The monster laughs because it knows my weakness; it lives to control me.

It stays within me to make sure I will perish.

The monster lives for only that purpose.

ONE

I S T ODAY T HE D AY ?

Oh, please, dear Lord, let today be my last. My heart, soul, and mind know that Im not like anyone else. I cant accept myself, its so hard to change, to love myself, to accept my worth. Its easier to punish myself and give up. Why? Why cant I take care of myself for my own happiness? I keep thinking that someone will come into my life and make this monster, this self-hatred, go away. But Im only fooling myself.

E very night the past ten years had been like all the others. After I had consumed perhaps six candy bars, two pizzas, a gallon of ice cream, and more candy, and had taken sixty pink pills, I came home and tried to cry. The tears would not fall; yet, my heart and soul were crying. I would pray to God to please help me realize he was all that mattered to me.

But I felt so alone. I lived only to destroy myself.

One Friday afternoon about 2 oclock, I sat down to write my lead story for the 6 oclock news. But the monster inside me said, Go ahead, Cynthia, do it! I ran to the candy machine and choked down twelve candy bars.

Then I panicked. Its in your stomach, Cynthia. Get it out, quick, before it turns to fat. I went to the rest room, made sure no one was there, stuck my finger down my throat and threw up. Back at my desk I was sick. Still, I popped twenty laxatives into my mouth. No one, of course, was watching. I then wrote my storya good one.