Danielle Sherman-Lazar - Living Full: Winning My Battle with Eating Disorders

LIVING

FULL

LIVING

FULL

Winning My Battles with Eating Disorders

Danielle Sherman-Lazar

Mango Publishing

Coral Gables

Copyright 2018 by Danielle Sherman-Lazar
Published by Mango Publishing Group, a division of Mango Media Inc.

Cover & Layout Design: Jermaine Lau

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Living FULL: Winning My Battles with Eating Disorders

Library of Congress Cataloging
ISBN: (p) 978-1-63353-874-0 (e) 978-1-63353-875-7

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018957577

BISAC category code: SEL014000, SELF-HELP / Eating Disorders & Body Image

Printed in the United States of America

DISCLAIMER: To protect the privacy of any individual who did not want to be mentioned in this book, I have changed some names, omitted some people entirely, or created a composite of various characters. In some cases, I have also changed identifying particulars about some situations. Nevertheless, everything written in this book rings true to my experiences and interactions while having and recovering from an eating disorder.

TRIGGER WARNING: This book contains material that can be triggering for someone who is not recovered from an eating disorder. Please do not read if triggering behaviors will have a negative impact on your recovery.

To my beautiful daughters, Vivienne and Diana. May you always be happy, healthy, and full by every definition of the word.

Also to the millions of people affected by eating disorders. You are not alone, and recovery is more than possiblestay strong. You are entirely capable of living a full life.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Eating disorders are frequently misunderstood. Adolescents and young adults affected by disorders such as anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa may struggle with self-critical thoughts and engage in potentially dangerous behaviors, without recognizing that they are living with classic symptoms of a serious psychiatric illness.

Danielle Sherman-Lazars Living FULL is an honest description of one womans battle with an eating disorder. Danielle describes the anxieties and obsessions that may have made her vulnerable to developing the pattern of food restriction and disordered eating behaviors that characterized her eating disorder, and the turning points that allowed her to achieve her recovery.

Her words are moving and authentic and reflect the loneliness of living under the cloud of illness and the liberation that comes with recognizing that eating disorders are treatable and that life without illness is possible.

As Danielle explains, eating disorders are brain-based disorders that are associated with serious medical and psychological disturbances. She sheds light on the importance of effective treatments, and the support systems, including family, that may be needed to achieve successful outcomes.

As a psychiatrist who has specialized for nearly thirty years in care for individuals with eating disorders and the study of the mechanisms underlying these conditions, I feel privileged to have played a small part in this tale of one persons recovery. I am aware of how difficult it is to reveal the many thoughts, doubts, and secrets that contribute to the development of an eating disorder. Readers will likely find parts of themselves in Danielles tale, and find themselves inspired by her story of strength and resilience.

Evelyn Attia, MD

December 2017

Part One

Empty

Chapter 1

The Little Engine That Couldnt

I woke up to a crowd of kids and counselors surrounding me, my thick, curly hair forming a pillow behind my heavy head. My eyes blinked a few times before opening completely, vision hazy. I felt a breeze on my exposed skin, a warm one, but it didnt stop the goose bumps from forming on my arms. My gaze made its way down to the green pavement beneath me. Then the realization: I was flat on my back on the camp basketball court. Oh no, please dont be real life! Then the voice: It is real life, and I am taking over yours.

After a short trip to the infirmary, it was decided that I needed to go to the hospital to get an IV. I was mortified that my parents would have to take a three-hour car ride to make sure I was okay. I wanted to tell them they didnt have tothat I was finebut I had no say in the matter. What if they figured out what caused me to end up in this state? What if they uncovered my secret? Our secret.

As far back as I can remember, I was nervous about mostly everything. In fact, theres hardly an anxiety-free memory I can recall. I was afraid Chinese ghosts possessed the ancient armoire standing prominently in my bedroom. It was decorated with Asian figures in different poses, embroidered in gold, from the Han Dynastythats at least what I concluded after watching Mulan. I was convinced their ghosts were angry Huns, not at all sweet and friendly like Casper the Ghost. I was also always scared that someone would break into the house. Every little squeak and creak made me leap and check under the bed for burglars or worse . In kindergarten, I became petrified of the tooth fairy and swore to my parents that I saw her in my room leading a marching band of fairies the night I lost my first tooth. They told me not to tell the other kids in class that Id seen this so-called tooth fairy rendition of Alla Marcia because that might be seen as, in my mothers words, a little strange. Oh, and perhaps I was too young to recover the next day and have the knowledge and wherewithal to blame it on a fake bad acid trip. Yes, definitely too young. So I didnt, out of fear that all of my peers would laugh at meanother fear.

Because of my anxiety, I was very attached to my mom. I hid behind her legs so often she joked that I would climb back into the womb if I could. I think she was right. But what she didnt know was that out of all of my childhood fears, it was the fear of people not liking me that kept me awake at night.

By the time I got to third grade, I had managed to make a best friend, Elizabeth, and fell in love with the idea of going to sleepaway camp with her. I played a lot of soccer, and hearing about camps that promised full days focused on sports was an unbelievable dream for a tomboy like me. Sitting beside a giddy Elizabeth, as the yellow school bus pulled away from my parents for the first time in my life, I should have felt excited. Instead I began sobbing, palming the filthy windows, mouthing to my mother, I changed my mind!

Dani, run, were in the lead! shouted one of my teammates in the relay race.

I ran as fast as I could across the field, buoyed by the bounce of the fluffy ponytail one of the counselors had made for me.

The baton no longer my responsibility, I took a seat on the sidelines, sipping water from the bottle labeled Dani Sherman in my moms handwriting. I traced the words with my fingertips, trying to keep my concentration and catch my breath. The heat had hit me hard and I was sweating from parts of my body I didnt know had sweat glands. I heard cheering around me, but it was disorienting. I couldnt wait for this race to be over. All I wanted to do was sprawl on my bunk bed and close my eyes. I felt so weak, drained, and light-headed from sprintingfeelings I had never felt before. I usually loved the adrenaline and competitive nature of races. Today was different. This race drained me. I heard cheering around me again, but this time it was even louder than before. We had won. I feigned excitement to appease my friends, but I was really just cheering because I was closer to lying down and that made me really happy.