Theo Fleury - Conversations with a Rattlesnake: Raw and Honest Reflections on Healing and Trauma

Conversations With a Rattlesnake

Raw and Honest Reflections on Healing and Trauma

Theo Fleury and Kim Barthel

Contents

Conversations With a Rattlesnake

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Fleury, Theo, 1968-, author

Conversations with a rattlesnake : raw and honest reflections on healing and trauma / Theo Fleury, Kim Barthel.

Includes bibliographical references.
Issued in print and electronic formats.
ISBN 978-1-77141-071-7 (bound).--ISBN 978-1-77141-077-9 (html)

1. Fleury, Theo 1968- --Mental health. 2. Psychic trauma. 3. Child abuse. 4. Substance abuse. 5. Adult child sexual abuse victims--Canada--Biography. 6. Hockey players--Canada--Biography. I. Barthel, Kim, 1962-, author II. Title.

First Published in Canada 2014 by Influence Publishing

Copyright 2014 by Theo Fleury and Kim Barthel
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the publisher. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Book Cover Design: Marla Thompson
Typeset: Greg Salisbury
Portrait Photographers: Hln Cyr & Perry Thompson Photography
Editorial Team: Julie Salisbury, Nina Shoroplova, and Bob Spensley

DISCLAIMER: This book is a guide intended to offer information on how to heal from trauma. It is not intended in any way to replace other professional health care or mental health advice, but to support it. Readers of this publication agree that neither the authors nor their publisher will be held responsible or liable for damages that may be alleged or resulting directly or indirectly from the reading of this publication.

Dedication

T his book is dedicated to those who have found their voices, to those who are still searching for their courage, and to those who are in helping roles, listening with compassion.

We all carry some level of pain, and, to varying degrees, we are all trying to make a difference in other peoples lives.

So this book is dedicated to everyone. Were all in this together.

Lyrics from the song Walk With Thousands by Theo Fleury and Phil Deschambault

Gettin rid of all our shame
Lets lift our heads and never bow them again
Courage through and through

We are no longer just a face in the crowd
Weve found our voice and will sing it loud
Change and victory too

Lets stick our neck out
Lets make a lot of noise
Let them hear us shout so they cant avoid

Let them understand
All we wanna do
Is let the daylight in
So let the daylight in

Our greatest wish for this book is that it serves as an empowerment tool for people looking to have healing conversations of their own.

Heres your opportunity to join the greatest team in the history of the worldthe one that is bringing awareness to the subject of relationship trauma.

Theo and Kim

Testimonials

Though sexual abuse & the trauma it creates are the impetus behind these healing conversations, Theos candidness & Kims attunement & subsequent responses reveal truths helpful to all who have ever faced suffering in their lives ... in other words, all of us. Rattlesnake venom, when harvested with skillful hands, makes for powerful medicine. This book is powerful medicine.
Dorion Dellabough, psychotherapist

What my dads doing with Kim to help people makes me really proud. Maybe I should tell him.
Beaux Fleury, Theos seventeen-year-old son

Mindful relationships are at the core of what we humans desperately need to learn. As a teacher of therapists, Kim explains complex concepts with grace and compassion enabling the reader to tune into the intricacies of healing and its role in the evolution of the human spirit. As the conversation between Kim & Theo ensues, it unravels the honest and safe connection between two individuals who have set out on a mission to give people back to themselves. The science of connection couldnt be explained better than this as the conversation takes the reader through mind boggling and humbling brain phenomena of human relationships. A must-read for everyone in the business of helping others grow and learn, which practically is each and every one of us.
Manoj Pathnapuram, Speech and Language Pathologist and Trainer in Singapore

Acknowledgements

T he process for writing this book was a little uncommon. The content was combined from a series of conversations that occurred between the two of us over two years, but its structured as if we are having the discussion in one session today. Some of it is word-forword from what was recorded at the time, and some of it is melded together from scribbled notes and memories from a thousand-plus conversations along the way.

What was pretty incredible about pulling this book together is that everyone who directly helped out really did get personally involved. Everyone got triggered in their own waysnot just Theo by any stretchand a heck of a lot of personal growth occurred for a whole series of now-interconnected friends. Just from having basic conversations around these not-often-talked-about concepts, our close friends were naturally hooked, and became highly motivated themselves to be more self-aware. As a long series of excellent conversations ensued, our support networks naturally grew, and continue to expand!

The people supporting the mission of creating Conversations With a Rattlesnake are many; thank you, all. But the ones we both want to acknowledge especiallywhether their thoughts, energy, and commitment were subtle or overtare Julie Salisbury our publisher; Nina Shoroplova our editor; the staff at Influence Publishing; and a whole slew of our friends, family, and colleagues: Dawn, Amber and Robert in Calgary, Alberta; Colin and Dave in Victoria, British Columbia; Jason and Erika in Copenhagen; Manoj in Singapore; Tara and Don in Nanaimo, British Columbia; Irmie and Eugene in Winnipeg; and Miss Marie in Atlanta, Georgia.

We would also like to extend our heartfelt gratitude to Bob Spensley. Without his own passion for helping relationships to flourish, and his personal commitment to our collective cause, this book might just be a series of really cool ideas, still waiting to be shared in print. And, of course, thank you to Josh, Lista, Beaux, Tatym, and Skylah whose understanding of the enormity of this subject allowed them to have amazing patience throughout.

Lastly, thanks to the literally thousands of people weve met and talked with about trauma and healing (and everything in between.) You are our inspiration.

Theo and Kim

Prologue

T heo Fleury is a former NHL hockey player who is a living legend both on and off the ice. His Stanley Cup, Olympic gold, and outstanding sense of teamwork were contradicted by erratic, wild, substance abuse, and broken relationships. His disclosure of childhood sexual abuse by his coach, brought to light in Playing with Fire, propelled him to the spotlight of advocacy with the intention of waking people up to the reality that sexual abuse happens and it causes a lot of pain.

In Conversations With a Rattlesnake, Theo Fleury and renowned therapist Kim Barthel team up and delve into the core of Theos ongoing personal issues in a refreshingly informed and compassionate way. They are honest and clear about the dynamics within his trauma and recovery, so that others can learn from them. For these powerful and sensitive topics, which affect millions of people from all walks of life, a textbook just wouldnt cut it. So that more readers are able to digest and connect with the information, its told as a series of engaging conversations, like youd have with your most trusted friend over the kitchen table, only this friend is a much-loved therapist who uses everyday language and isnt perfect herself. The stories essentially use Theos life as a candid example, but you are invited to be present and mindful about your own journey as you get triggered along the way. Their conversations are held in the spirit of emotional safetya key to maintaining trust in any relationshipand are designed to be helpful to you for your own reflections.