Jenna Banks - I Love Me More: How to Find Happiness and Success Through Self-Love

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Copyright 2022 Jenna Banks

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First Edition

To every woman out there

who wasnt raised knowing

the concepts of self-love,

every woman who believes,

like I once did,

that true love can only be

found outside herself

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

Attributed to Lucille Ball

I know what its like to be a powerless child sitting alone in a room waiting to get spanked with a wooden two-by-four. I know what its like growing up in household where decisions arent based on the best interests of the children. I know what its like to come home from school to find every dish in the house broken on the floor because of someones drunken rage directed at me. I know what its like to be a teenager who allows her body to be used by older boys. I know what its like to be a grown woman reading abusive words written by a parent. I know what its like to attempt suicide because life is so painful and tomorrow and next week seem like they will be just as bad as today.

I know what its like to be shaped by these experiences into believing I had no value. I know what its like to not believe in my self-worth, to not let self-respect shape my decisions and actions.

Through hard work and dedication, I have completely changed that formula. I have become a person capable of self-love. I now know what its like to stand up for myself, to set boundaries. To understand that I alone am in control of my state of happiness. I now know what its like to believe that I have value as a human being, and to base my actions and decisions on respect for myself. I know what its like to ask for what I want out of relationships.

Its been a long journey, but well worth the effort.

Oddly, it seems to me that self-love is not something we are born with but rather something we must work toward. It is a practice; it is a verb, a constant doing. Self-love is something you choose on a daily basis and often goes against what society and the people around you are pressuring you to do. Its not an addition, a booster, or a supplement. It is the source of all things, of power and energy and of harnessing instead of being harnessed. We must make self-love a lifestyle choice if we are to become truly empowered.

Self-love should feel unconscious, but believe methere will be many times when you will have to actively and consciously choose to love yourself in order to keep your power your own. We are tested more than we are not, and self-love must be activated and practiced to navigate the challenges, pass those tests, and keep our power. The most active engagement with self-love Ive had thus far in my lifes journey happened when I ended my relationship with a man named Dave.

Isnt self-love just being selfish? Thats a question I hear a lot when I talk about self-love. Society seems to teach women especially that if we are not giving away our power and energy, if we make decisions based on what will make us happy, then we are being selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth.

A selfish person does not consider the feelings or needs of other people. Their immediate needs are all that matter.

By contrast, someone who practices self-love is aware of the needs of people around them but gives their own needs priority. In fact, it is by loving themselves more that they are able to give more to others. (Youll find more about this issue of selfishness versus self-love in Chapter 2.)

I had never felt so in love with anyone in all my life as I did with Dave. He and I were the model of passionate love for many of our friends, a barometer that others used to measure what they wanted and were looking for in a relationship. Given his line of work, and our very large group of mutual friends, we were always going on fun adventures, throwing dinners and parties, traveling, and attending events. We were both creative and could take on creative projects together, inspiring each other collaboratively. When Dave and I met we already had children and prior relationships of our own. Well into my adulthood and reaping the wisdom from my experiences, I knew what I needed in a relationship, and I thought I would spend the rest of my life with Dave. I thought of him as my life partner, so helping him with his business, his house, his kids, all came naturally and easily to me.

Shortly after we moved in together, I started feeling off, like I didnt have my usual upbeat energy. I was in the process of ramping up a brand-new business venture, but I found it very difficult to focus on my business. And the affection and passion (and sex) that we had before moving in together fizzled out pretty quickly after we moved in together. I remember there was a moment after I had been helping all day to get his house ready for sale: scrubbing floors with bleach, patching and painting walls, deep-cleaning bathrooms. At the end of the day, I was completely worn out. He hugged and kissed me, saying, Thank you, Jenna, for your help. I was feeling so overwhelmed, but now I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Wow! I thought. After months of hardly any affection initiated by him, this is what it takes to get some recognition and appreciation?

But I was so in love that I just carried on, overlooking moments like those that should have been clearer warning signs to me. Luckily for me, I had learned to be tuned in to my instincts. When I dont pick up on subtle clues, my instinct screams at me. Generally speaking, I had been feeling bad, drained of energy, not happy for weeks. I didnt know what I needed but I knew Dave wouldnt be able to give it to me. Get out. Figure it out later. This became my constant thought. I couldnt explain in words why I needed to end it, but as you will see throughout this book, if you have the courage to act on the energy that is speaking to you, the words will come later.