Jeanne Martinet - Artful Dodging: Painless Techniques for Avoiding Anyone, Anytime

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C ONTENTS

Introduction.

Final Note.

A CKNOWLEDGMENTS

I would like to thank everyone who has ever dodged me artfully enough that I remained blissfully ignorant of it. I would also like to thank those people who unwittingly allowed me to practice my dodging techniques on them. If, however, you are a friend or relative of mine who suspects me of having dodged you at one time or or another, I swear to you I never did. (Anyway, thats my story, and Im sticking to it.)

I NTRODUCTION

The Myth of Just Say No

It was right before Thanksgiving, and the increasing demands of life had begun to cause some serious cracks around the edges of my personality. I had just said good-bye to one houseguest and was expecting another in a week. My editor was clamoring for a manuscript I hadnt finished. My relatives had been calling to schedule not only Thanksgiving events but also various Christmas get-togethers. My cat had an eye infection and I hadnt found the time to take him to the vet. Unpaid bills and other paperwork were piled high on my desk. To top it all off with one big stressful cherry, I was getting the flu. In short, I felt as if every moment of every day had become a negotiationa battle between my survival and the needs and desires of people around me.

One evening I came home tired and laden down with groceries. When the elevator came, I was relieved to have it all to myself. I was in no mood for chitchat and wanted nothing more than to get into my apartment, where I could put my bags down and my feet up. Then, just as the elevator door was closing, an arm snaked its way into the opening. As if I were in a horror film, I watched the arm force the elevator door back open, revealing an upstairs neighbor who had taken to waylaying me in the elevator on a daily basis. She had just finished writing her first novel anddue to some vague encouraging noises I had made six months beforehad designated me to be the lucky one to introduce it to the rest of the world. (P.S. There were already four manuscripts from various friends sitting on my bedside table.)

Hi! she greeted me exuberantly as we started going up, I was hoping I would run into you! Ive got my manuscript right hereso now I dont even have to mail it to you. She pointed to a bulging bag at her side. It looked like a 500-pager at least.

It was at that moment that something inside me snapped. I shook my head violently at her and kind of moaned. My godwhats wrong with you? she asked me.

Im sorry, I just cant, I said.

Cant? Cant what?

Cant read your manuscript.

But its not that long, pleaded the woman. Couldnt you just

NO! I heard myself say much too loudly as I got off the elevator, leaving my poor neighbor standing there with her mouth open. Believe me, it was not my finest hour, and I did my best to put the episode out of my mind.

One week later my houseguest and I arrived at my building soaked through from a freezing rain and eager to get inside my warm apartment. As we ran for the elevator I saw that this same neighbor was already inside the car. Hold the elevator, please! I called.

She smiled coldly at me. Im sorry, I just CANT, she said as the door closed in our dripping and dismayed faces. My houseguest was understandably annoyed. But I was ashamed.

It was at that moment that I resolved never to hurt someone unnecessarily like that again.

* * *

It would be a lovely thing if we lived in a world where we could just say no to anything that came our way when wed rather it hadnt. In such a world, we could tell our obnoxious in-laws we dont feel like coming to their house for dinner, period. We could tell irate bosses we havent finished our work and thats that. We could tell bores at cocktail parties we dont want to listen to them talk anymore, and blind dates from hell that we are going home early because we dont like them. In other words, we could speak our minds, the way small children do, without using any protective filter. (Actually there are some adults who do this without giving it a second thought. Unfortunately, with the exception of those few who are spiritually advanced enough to project a special love energy during the act of rejection, these people are social imbeciles.) But the truth is that the fabric of society is held together by an intricate weaving of deceptions and subterfuges.

I confess I am sometimes accused (mostly by Californians) of being a sneaky, insincere sort of personmerely because many of my social strategies and solutions happen to be based on lying. These idealists believe that we would all be better off if everyone just told the truth. I watched one of these Honest Abes in action at a barbecue in Upstate New York one weekend. He was standing with me and a friend of mine when a woman approached, calling the Honest Abe by name. As the woman leaned forward for a greeting kiss, Abe put out his hand and said crisply, Id rather not kiss. Lets just shake hands.

The newcomer was visibly embarrassed. I was embarrassed for her. My friend was also embarrassed. We all stood there awkwardly while the proposed handshake took place. The chagrined woman chatted with us for a minute but left as soon as she could. When she was gone I asked Abe just what the heck was going on between him and the would-be kisser. Abe told me that they were acquaintances, that there was no history or relationship between them. He went on to explain that he had been merely practicing his new policy of total honesty. Apparently Abe didnt care for greeting kisses, and he was quite proud of his newfound ability to clearly communicate his needs and feelings.

I had to bite my tongue (not a wise thing to do while eating spicy barbecue) to keep from asking Abe what had happened to his manners. Self-realization and personal integrity notwithstanding, how hard would it have been for Abe to have sacrificed his dedication to the truth just enough to add I think Im catching a cold to his rebuff? Better yet, it would have been a fairly simple matter for him to have physically parried the kiss and just shaken the womans hand without making any sort of verbal confrontation out of it. Too many people today pride themselves on being able to say no when they mean no. Gone are the elegant Victorian practices of subtle rejections and delicate deferment, designed to sound more like compliments and self-deprecations than like rebuffs. Decades of social changes, psychotherapy, twelve-step programs, encounter groups, and communication seminars have trained people to be more direct in expressing their feelings and desires. But somewhere along the way we lost something very important. Certain social skills have been forgotten, and honesty has become a highly overrated commodity.

Dont get me wrong. I am in favor of truth-telling when it comes to marriage counseling, court appearances, and IRS audits. But when one of your good friends suggests a play date between your darling little Johnny and her cute little Lizzie, which you would rather die than arrange as cute little Lizzie happens to be a foul-mouthed face biter, the truth is not usually a good option. What good is the truth going to do you when your old buddy from college calls you up to borrow money you know theres not a chance in a million hell ever pay back? How are you going to handle it when you realize you made two lunch dates by mistake and they are both waiting for you at the same restaurant? What can you do if you simply want the person standing in front of you to go away, to stop talkingor even to disappear entirely from your life?