Jeff VanVonderen - Tired of Trying to Measure Up: Getting Free from the Demands, Expectations, and Intimidation of Well-Meaning People

TIRED of

TRYING

to Measure Up

BOOKS BY JEFF VANVONDEREN
Families Where Grace Is in Place
Good News for the Chemically Dependent
and Those Who Love Them
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
Tired of Trying to Measure Up
with David Johnson

TIRED of

TRYING

to Measure Up

Getting Free From the Demands, Expectations,
and Intimidation of Well-Meaning People

Jeff VanVonderen

Tired of Trying to Measure Up
Copyright 1989
Jeff VanVonderen

Cover design by Josh Madison

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible. Copyright 1946, 1952, 1971, 1973 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations identified NASB are taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by the Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.lockman.org

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55438
www.bethanyhouse.com

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
www.bakerpublishinggroup.com

E-book edition created 2011

ISBN 978-1-4412-1159-0

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

DEDICATION

Dedicated to the folks at the Christian and Missionary Alliance Church of the Open Door in Minneapolis, Minnesota. They are willing to risk admitting that they are tired. They share their wounds aloud with God and with one another, and are no longer willing to settle for anything or anyone but Jesus.

Special thanks to my wife, Holly, and my four daughters, Callie, Jesi, Erin, and Kara. In the most important ways my projects are really family projects. I couldnt do them without my familys love and understanding.

JEFF VanVONDEREN is an internationally known speaker on addictions and church and family wellness. He has worked as a counselor in both residential and outpatient treatment settings, as well as in the religious community, taught at the college level, and is the author of several books, including Good News for the Chemically Dependent and Those Who LoveThem and The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse. He is one of the featured interventionists on the A&E documentary series Intervention, which has won its second Prism Award. He has also appeared on Oprah, The TodayShow, and Larry King Live. He has eight grandchildren and makes his home in Wisconsin.

For more information, contact Jeff VanVonderen at:
P.O. Box 1048
Hayward, WI 54843

or on the Web at:
www.innervention.com or
www.spiritualabuse.com

Contents

Wounded by
Shame

If Christianity is supposed to be a life filled with joy and meaning, why do I always feel as if Im strugglingand tired of it? Why do I feel so guilty? Why is it so hard for me to rest, even when I need to? Why cant I stop all of my religious activity, even though it long ago ceased to be a joy? Why do I find myself repeating patterns I vowed I never would?

Do you, like hundreds of people who have come to me for pastoral counseling, ever ask these questions? Do you feel like youre slogging knee-deep through mud? Like you never measure up?

If so, then perhaps you will find the help you need in these chapters. Im not offering you Ten Easy Steps on how to get yourself, friends, or family members to behave in a Christian manner. If trying hard were the key to the victorious Christian life, youd probably be in the Hall of Fame by now! You dont need to learn more ways to try hard. Personal and pastoral discoveries have convinced me that Christians need to learn how to rest.

Tired of Trying to Measure Up springs from personal experience and concern over a frightening phenomenon. The great majority of the people I see in counseling are struggling with being tired. Not sleepy tired. They are emotionally, psychologically drained. More than that, they are spiritually tired, which is the most debilitating kind of tired. And it seems to me that most of the literature, seminars, sermons, and counseling available to Christians have one thing in common: They give already-tired people something more to do, which is exactly what they do not need. Come to me, all of you who are weary and overburdened, and I will give you rest! (Matthew 11:28, PHILLIPS). Jesus response to tired people is rest.

If rest sounds rather foreign to you, an idea too unrealistic or too good to be true, then somewhere in your life youve probably been involved in relationships that were based on conditions. I have learned by talking with countless folks who are weary from their inner struggles that most often, loving acceptance was held out like a carrot on a stringthe tiniest taste dependent on their good enough performance, which never quite measured up.

Perhaps you, too, can still feel the lure of those dangled, emotional carrots. Unwritten expectations and rules gave you a sense of shame that you as a person are unacceptable. Perhaps you are still draining away your emotional and spiritual strength as you try constantly to measure up to standards that are higher than you can reach. These standards may have become so deeply ingrained that you are not even aware of them, let alone conscious of how to get free from their tyranny.

My purpose is to shine a light on the hurtful messages you once received that still play over and over like a recording in your soul. I want to help you recognize the source of those messages, what they say, and what they mean. I want to help you break away from unrealistic standards and leave them behind. I believe you will come to understand your life patternspatterns you may hate but cant seem to will yourself out of, patterns that make you weary.

At some point in our lives, each one of us struggles with wounds from hurtful relationships. Some people have been hurt more than others. Some struggle more than others. As you read on in this book, areas of your pain will be exposed and identified. The first step to healing is finding the wounds, and sometimes finding them hurts. I wish this were not so.

But heres the good newsGod loves you unconditionally. You have nothing to purchase or prove, no one to impress. What Jesus says about you is your bottom line. You are loved, accepted, and not alone. You are considered worthwhile and capableby the King of the Universe! What else, who else matters? Healthy behaviors result from an identity thats healthy and fully based upon Gods performance on our behalf. You can learn to perform out of the fullness that is yours in Christ. While youre on the way to discovering that abundant life, its okay to start asking, Why do I do what I do? You can also begin learning to rest because your identitywho you