Jan Johnson - When the Soul Listens: Finding Rest and Direction in Contemplative Prayer

JAN JOHNSON is the author of more than ten books that deal with building an authentic life with God and the use of spiritual disciplines. These books include Enjoying the Presence of God (NavPress), which focuses on practicing Gods presence and Listening to God (NavPress), which focuses on Scripture meditation. Besides writing, Jan speaks frequently at retreats and conferences. She earned her degree in Christian education and has written more than 700 Bible studies. A trained spiritual director, Jan desires to help believers immerse themselves in life with God. She lives with her family in Simi, California.

I SAT IN MY CAR, HIDDEN BY THE EVENING DARKNESS, FRUSTRATED at the way one man had disrupted the committee meeting Id just left. (Ill call him X because I was so irritated I wanted to X him from the committee.) He demanded to have his way and pushed us all so that our committee became polarizedus against X. With every new suggestion he made, we rose up to pounce on it. We were going nowhere, so I was glad when the meeting ended.

Now I was waiting in the car for my son to finish his meeting... and I was praying for X. Or what passed for prayer. I was ranting to God, His negativity is ruining the committee. Change this man!

Even as those words ricocheted in my mind, something happened. I heard the true attitude behind them: This guy makes me mad. So, God, You should make him do things my way. Not for the first time, I saw what a me-centered prayer I was capable of offering. I was judging X by how he made me feel. Because I was frustrated and angry, I had decided on the best course of action. I was telling God how to execute my plan. Wow, I caught my breath. Who do I think I amjudging this man, then telling God what to do?

I let out my frustration with a sigh and shut my eyes. I needed to still my own thoughts and get quiet. I laid my hands in my lap and relaxed my hunched shoulders. A bit of the tension evaporated. I knew I needed to offer a different kind of prayerselfless, not bossy.

I took a few deep breaths and opened my hands, palms upward in front of me. He is Yours, God. I leave Him to You. Breathing more calmly, I allowed quietness to come over my soul and repeated those familiar words: Be still, and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10).

I inhaled deeply, praying, More of Jesus. And I let that breath go: Less of me. My blood was no longer pounding. The evening air felt renewing. Much calmer, I was grateful for the companionship of God and the chance to ponder Gods will for X. (The idea that God might have a positive plan for X was still quite a stretch for me.)

For several years Id been practicing this sort of contemplative prayerthe kind in which you sit before God, simply enjoying His presence. In the heat and pressure of daily living, its so easy to forget Gods presence and slide back into old self-centered habits. But how satisfying to be able to return to this ancient practice, used by Christians for two millennia. I could sense order being restored and peace coming back to my soul. Instead of the unsteady, vengeful feelings that had filled me, I sensed a holy quiet.

For many years of my Christian life, my prayers had been filled with what I wanted. Nothing in my evangelical Christian training had taught me about this quiet sort of prayereven though the early Christians, church fathers, and saints through the ages, both great and unknown, have practiced contemplation.

Contemplative prayer, in its simplest form, is prayer in which you still your thoughts and emotions and focus on God Himself. This puts you in a better state to be aware of Gods presence, and it makes you better able to hear Gods voice correcting, guiding, and directing you. Instead of coming with a to do list for God, you come with no agenda. The fundamental idea is simply to enjoy the companionship of God, stilling your own thoughts so you can listen should God choose to speak. For this reason, contemplative prayer is sometimes referred to as the prayer of silence.

As I learned to pray this way, I discovered I liked prayer! If I was frustrated, distracted, or confused, I could reconnect with God. There I could find peace and strength. Instead of being stuck in a limited perspective about a person or situation, I would find myself open to a higher view that allowed me to respond with patient wisdom instead of react out of my emotions.

Eventually, I understood why the inner transformation took place. I would begin my time of contemplation focused on my desires, demands, and needs, saying, Iwant. But by fixing my minds eye on the God who loved me, something changed. I let go of people, circumstances, myself, and my feelings, and was freed to fix my attention on eternal things. Soon I found myself saying, God, knowing You is enough for me.

The change was amazing. I sensed the peace that passes understanding which had usually eluded me.

As calm and order returned on that evening of my committee meeting, I put forth a question to God in the quiet: What do I need to know about X?

When I ask God questions this way, ideas sometimes come to me. Other times nothing new comes, but the sense of being reconnected with God is more than enough for me.

In a moment, a favorite breath prayer came to me: Show me this persons heart. (I couldnt resist adding, if he has one.) For a few silent minutes, I relaxed and let that prayer rest inside me.

Just then, my son Jeff hopped into the car and said he needed to stop at the drugstore. As we drove, I brought up Xs name. Jeff mentioned that X had told stories of fighting in Vietnam. He said hed felt helpless, with no control over his life, Jeff filled in. Sometimes he had to obey orders that he hated obeying. When Jeff walked into the drugstore, I was left alone with God again. I remembered how this man was also laid off from a large firm where hed been head of the computer department. I thought of his son, tooa great kid, but not cooperative.

Closing my eyes, I asked God again: What do I need to know? In the stillness, I saw something I hadnt considered before. This guy had lost control of so many thingshis past, his career, his son. Did that explain why he was so obviously determined to control things now, including the committee?

Jeff returned to the car, and by the time we got home, a compromise to the committees dilemma had come to me: Give him a small portion of the project to control and let the committee run the rest of it. I called the chair, who liked the idea. In the end, it worked out to everyones satisfaction. Sometime later, I also realized I had not only experienced peace but, as a result, had been a peacemakerby accident. This intrigued me because my usual method of operation (being a second-born) is not to bring peaceful resolution, but to throw dust in the air so I could get away with something I want. (I think this came from messing up my older sisters room and then having to throw the adults off my trail: Oh... her stuffs messed up? Could one of her friends have done it?) I have always marveled at those who can calmly resolve conflict. Ive tried to be a peacemaker but failed. This time Id actually forged peace!

What mattered more to me, though, was the improved condition of my heart. Id become interested in doing what God wanted instead of simply complaining. I no longer wanted to turn the other way when I saw this man, as Id often done. In future meetings, I felt compassion for him because I had seen his heart. It was another step in the growth toward Christlikeness that I have wanted.