Katherine Norris Williams - The Patient No One Wanted

Chapter 1

On the Wings of a Dove

On the wings of a snow-white dove

He sends his pure sweet love

A sign from above

On the wings of dove

When troubles surround us

When evils come

The body grows weak

The spirit grows numb

When these things beset us

He doesnt forget us

He sends down his love

On the wings of a dove

Ferlin Husky

It was late August 2004 when the white dove hit the windshield of my car as I was driving home from church. I had left early because I wasnt feeling well. Not only did it die, but it left its imprint on the glass. The dove flew directly toward me and would have hit me in the face had it not been for the windshield. Did it have a meaning? Was it just a coincidence? I am not very superstitious, but I knew at that moment that it was a sign from above. Was it foretelling my continued misery and/or death, or did it give up its life to save me? After all, I had killed the symbol of love and peace.

It is amazing the things we take for granted when we are well. Trivial matters seem so dramatic and important. I was a type A personality and a high achiever for most of my life; that was before I got sick. I continued on a mad race to the finish line until I finally collapsed in utter exhaustion and pain. Did stress play a major role in making me sick? It most likely did. I realize the effect stress, both bad and good, can have on the immune system. However, it concerns me how often doctors and even friends and family ascribe any unexplained physical symptoms to stress alone. Even if stress is the confounding factor in making one physically sick, just getting rid of the stress or taking a pill is not going to cure the underlying physical illness that the stress has caused. What was happening to me was much more than just stress induced.

How ironic it was that after a troubled childhood and first marriage, I had finally found my true love, and I got sick. I woke up one morning a few months after I met Larry, my current husband, and felt totally wiped out. I barely had the energy to lift my arms to brush my hair. That was over twenty years ago. My first marriage had ended in a bitter divorce, but Ill always be grateful to this man for giving me my daughter and two wonderful grandchildren. When I met Larry, for the first time in my life I truly felt loved and accepted by a man for who I am. My parents had gotten a divorce when I was five, and I never saw my father again. We lived with my grandparents, but neither of them were very affectionate. However, I will be forever appreciative because they did provide for me physically and we had a nice house to live in.

I distinctly remember mine and Larrys first kiss, and even though I had just turned forty, I had the feeling of being young and in love. I was rejuvenated after dealing with the empty-nest syndrome and ready to embark on an exciting new journey for the second half of my life. Larry bought a new bright-red Mazda, and we headed for the beach like teenagers again. This was supposed to be the beginning of a wonderful life together. I was not prepared for what happened a few months later.

As I Lay Wanting to Die

Now I lay me down to die;

Im in so much pain I have to cry.

If I decide my life to forsake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Ive tried so hard to find out whats wrong,

But all I get is the same old song.

Ive resigned myself to endless suffering and pain,

And I cant find anyone to investigate nor explain.

My life is important, but most doctors either dont care,

Or they think Im making up all this agony and despair.

Its off to one specialist after another,

Only to leave wondering why to even bother.

Most doctors dont treat patients anymore;

Their sophisticated technology settles the score.

Even though my labs are now showing signs of disease,

Their fifteen-minute office visit is only time to tease.

Ive suffered so long I dont know how much more I can take.

I sometimes just pray to die, but I know that would be a mistake.

If hell is worse than what Ive suffered, then suicide is insane;

But to suffer like this the rest of my life seems inhumane.

If I had a terminal disease, I would know it would be over soon.

If I were an animal, they would put me out of my misery by noon.

But as it is, Im left to suffer for no apparent reason,

And it just keeps going on season after season.

The only thing that keeps me going is my family and hope

That eventually someone will give me the ability to cope.

Even God has forsaken me, and I dont know why.

If he doesnt rescue me soon, its going to be goodbye.

Now I lay me down to die;

Im in so much pain I have to cry.

If I decide my life to forsake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I wrote this one night when I was up in excruciating pain. The pain was so bad I couldnt even lie down. I was pacing the floor and trying to do anything to get my mind off it. This was one of many nights I would spend the same way over the next several years not knowing how I could stand it much longer. Other times I was so sick I would lie on the couch for days and only be able to get up to go to the bathroom and rinse the endless flow of mucus out of my head.

I am a Christian, but Ill have to admit that my faith has been challenged. How could a loving God allow someone to suffer for years without relief? There were many times that I wished I had some kind of terminal illness; then at least the pain and suffering would be over. At first I cried, begged, and prayed to get well, but when that didnt happen, I started to pray that I would die. Even though I had lived with a lot of anxiety most of my life, I never considered myself depressed nor had suicidal thoughts. When life handed me a lemon or I picked it off the tree myself, I tried to make lemonade. But this was almost more than I could bear. When the pain and other symptoms would be unbearable for days at a time, I had suicidal thoughts. I really didnt want to die, but I didnt want to live the way I was living either. I dont know how Larry tolerated me during those times, but I am so grateful that he did.

I taught in a high school that had mold infestation for many years. The roof leaked, and the ventilation system never worked well. Over the years black debris spewed out of the heating/cooling units, ceiling tiles became so soaked they fell, and buckets were placed in the halls and rooms to collect water leaks. Black junk ran down the walls and accumulated on many of the ceiling tiles.

In the fall of 2002, after parents complained that their children were getting sick and demanded mold testing, the school was spot checked, and six out of nine rooms came back positive for Stachybotrys, the notorious black mold that is toxic (one million to two million spores/swab), and was airborne in two of the rooms. The school was closed down for about six weeks, and we held classes at Bristol International Speedway. Actually, if it wasnt for the reason we were there, it would have been an interesting and unforgettable experience. While we were there, new ductwork was put in with UV light and new insulation in the A circle, where my room was located. However, the roof had not been replaced when we returned to school. That was in October and early November of that year.

When we returned to school, it rained most of the rest of the school year, and the roof was still leaking. The new ceiling tiles were soaked, and buckets were placed in the halls once again. Some of the tiles in the back of the rooms had not been replaced, and black debris fell out of the ceiling and covered the computers and stands, which were in the back of my room. It also covered areas in the science workroom, as well as other areas of the school. I complained about this not being cleaned up, but nothing was done. There was a strange smell throughout the building.