Laurel Payne - Delivering the Secret Letters

DELIVERING THE SECRET LETTERS by Laurel Payne
Published by Creation House Press
A Charisma Media Company
600 Rinehart Road
Lake Mary, Florida 32746
www.charismamedia.com

This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwisewithout prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010, 2011, International Bible Society. Used by permission.

Design Director: Bill Johnson
Cover design by Terry Clifton

Copyright 2014 by Laurel Payne
All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data: 2013952183
International Standard Book Number: 978-1-62136-706-2
E-book International Standard Book Number: 978-1-62136-707-9

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or for changes that occur after publication.

CONTENTS

Part 1
What a Child Sees: My Childhood

Part 3
A Healing Journey: My College Years

So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy lifenot because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.

2 TIMOTHY 1:812

D EAR READER,
You are about to read my personal testimonial autobiography from my childhood to my college life. Though this is my autobiography, it is really Gods testimonial biography. Being able to see how God has worked in my life as Ive walked with Him has been such a blessing. This book is more than just my thoughts, my wishes, my struggles, my desires; it is the life God has given me. My life has not always been a safe place, but you should know that I would not change a thing. If I did not go through my past, present, or future the way I did, am, or will before I knew Christ, I would not have the desire, passion, and love for Him that I have now. Quite frankly, I am not even sure if I would know Christ at all or the people He has graciously placed in my life.

My life here on earth has not always been easy but God has always been there to guide and protect me, even if I did not know it or think He was. This life of mine has been filled with Gods faithfulness, mercy, guidance, grace, and so much more, but most importantly His love. Without His love I would not know what love truly is or means. Every day God shows me what love really is and is meant to be. I cannot wait to see what He will do or show me next!

No matter what you are going through or have been through, and if you see no hope, no love, and no point; know that God is hope and is love and has a purpose for you. He loves you and He wants to have a relationship with you as a Father to His son or daughter.

God is love (1 John 4:8, emphasis added). Have faith and trust in Him.

Love is patient, love is kind.... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.... [Only] these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4, 78, 13, EMPHASIS ADDED

For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.... But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

ROMANS 8:34, 1011

D EAR GOD,
I do not know what I am doing wrong. I cannot seem to do anything right. I try, really I do, but no matter what I do I always get in trouble. It hurts; it is scary; its confusing, especially when my parents either alternate or want to pretend like nothings wrong or happening.

Why does my dad like to chase, drag, pull, choke, throw, and hit me? I do not understand. What did I do? When I try and ask its like I am not being heard. I do not want to be chased, dragged, pulled, choked, thrown, or hit. It scares me when my dads back stiffens and his eyes dilate black. When that happens I try and get away beforebut I am not always successful. Does he not hear my screams? Does he not hear my cries? Does he not hear my, Im sorry,? Why not?

How come my mom pretends like what my dad is doing to me is not happening? Why does she do similar things to me? Does she not see or hear what he is doing to me? Ive tried to tell her how it makes me feel through the letters I write her, but all she does is wad or tear them up and throw them away. Why? Does she not care?

I am so confused. If it is not one parent, it is the other. I feel so alone, helpless, scared, worthless, and stupid. I do not understand, but I want to. Where are You? Cant You hear my screams and cries for help?

Sincerely,
Laurel

D EAR GOD,
Im scared. My dad went after me again today. It hurt. I am not sure what it is I did. All I know is one minute things are fine and the next his back stiffens and his eyes start to dilate black. I tried to run, but it was no use. He chased after me, grabbing my arm as he caught up to me. I was screaming and crying telling him, Im sorry! No! Let go! but he didnt hear me.

He twisted my arm and dragged me up the stairs and into my room. He then started hitting me; so hard that my hands, which I used to try and protect my rear and lower back, were bloody red and numb. I guess that the whole hands thing was not working since they did not really make the pain any better. No matter how much I said, Im sorry! or, Stop! or, No! the pain that I tried to minimize with my hands sheared through my body from the force of my dads hand. This caused my knees to give, trying to somehow relieve the pain, but it didnt really. I wanted to run, but my dad kept a fierce, strong grip on the upper part of one of my arms so I couldnt get away.

Why did he do that? I do not understand. Did I do something? Is it something I said? I want to understand. I want to please. I want to do what is right, but I cant seem to do it. Why? No matter what I do or try I seem to get hurt anyway. Does he not see the pain I am in when he does that? Does he not see that I really am trying to do what he wants? I guess it does not really matter. Either way he will come after me, and within a few minutes I will be left in my room, alone, curled up lying on the floor, bawling, too sore and in pain to move.