Albert J. Bernstein - Emotional Vampires at Work: Dealing with Bosses and Coworkers Who Drain You Dry

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To Josh

Contents

Who Are They?

Protect Yourself from Emotional Vampires by Thinking More Slowly than They Do

Preface

I N THE 13 YEARS since the original Emotional Vampires was published, I have received many e-mails and reader reviews thanking me for writing a book that explains so many difficult relationships both at home and at work. There have also been two consistent and contradictory requests: that I give more information about vampires at work and that I give more information about vampires in readers personal lives.

My publisher, McGraw-Hill, took these requests to heart. In its wisdom, it offered me the opportunity to revisit each topic separately, with the benefit of 13 more years of practice and research. I was happy to oblige.

First, I revised and updated the original version of Emotional Vampires to deal exclusively with personal relationships.

Now, I am happy to offer you a book that deals exclusively with emotional vampires at work.

I don't have to tell you that work is different now from what it was at the turn of the last century. Businesses, nonprofits, governments, and the military have all changed considerably. Emotional vampires have not. In the confusion and uncertainty of the past few years, they have become more powerful and even more dangerousunless you recognize them for what they are and know how to deal with them effectively. It is my hope that this book will teach you what you need to know to protect yourself.

In my 40 years as a psychologist and business consultant, I have always believed that if people really understand how human minds operatewhether those minds are their own or those of other peoplethey can use that knowledge to get more of what they want from their jobs and their lives.

My job is to explain psychological concepts clearly enough for people to use them on a daily basis. This book is my latest attempt. In it, I have tried to describe the most difficult and draining people you will encounter at work and to tell you exactly what to do to gain some control over your interactions with these emotional vampires.

The material I present is serious, but that doesn't mean I have to present it in a deadly serious manner. I do hope you'll find a laugh here and there. Based on so many years of sitting face-to-face with human misery, I know that humor has tremendous power to heal. Without it, we are all doomed.

Here is Emotional Vampires at Work. I hope you find something in it to help you.

A L B ERNSTEIN

Portland, Oregon

Acknowledgments

W ITHOUT THE FOLLOWING people's help and support, this book could never have materialized:

Mindy Ranik, who came up with the title and about 10,000 miles worth of support during the writing of all the vampire books.

My esteemed colleagues, Bill Casey and Wendi Peck, who have graciously provided many insights, and even more graciously allowed me to steal some of their best ideas.

Dr. Rick Kirschner, whose perceptive comments have helped me create a better and clearer book.

Luahna Ude and Bob Poole, clinicians of rare wisdom and rarer wit, who have always been there to help me figure out the most difficult vampires.

My agent, Janet Rosen of Sheree Bykofsky Associates, who is always there with an idea when I need one.

My editor, Casey Ebro, who has shepherded me through the process of writing and production.

My friends Peter Bessas, Sundari SitaRam, Donna Sherwood, and Janine Robbins, who have helped and supported me through various aspects of this project.

Most of all, I want to thank my familyLuahna, Jessica, Josh, and Clarafor putting up with me while writing, a feat requiring as much courage and forbearance as visiting Carfax Abbey at midnight.

Emotional Vampires

Who Are They?

V AMPIRES STALK YOU even as we speak. They're in the next cube, down the hall, or upstairs, in the corner office. It's not your blood they drain; it's your emotional energy. We're not talking about everyday annoyances here: the surly, clueless, and unmotivated folks you learned about in the Handling Difficult People workshop. These are authentic creatures of darkness. They have the power not only to aggravate you but also to cloud minds with false promises and to hypnotize everyone into believing they are the best person for the job, whatever that job might be. They draw people in, then drain them, leaving everyone burned out and exhausted, yet lying awake at night wondering: