Dr. Tim Clinton - The Quick-Reference Guide to Counseling Women

On Being Female

Whatever else it means to be feminine, it is depth and mystery and complexity, with beauty as its very essence.

Stasi Eldredge

Every woman has a story, a story that is uniquely shaped by being female. For many women, that story is hidden, tightly locked inside a broken heart. But behind walls of fear, anger, and hurt, the wound festers. Behind the makeup and the pasted-on smile, women everywhere are hurting. They are confused, afraid, scaredand silent.

Consider the story of Melanie, a woman who was repeatedly raped as a child. Sitting across from me in the counseling office, she told me the story of how she had been stripped, placed in a circle of men, and gang raped. The impact on her life was profound; it was her greatest shame. Shed hidden her story from everyone, convinced that even God would have nothing to do with her.

I cried all the time, Melanie told me (Diane). I couldnt focus on work. I didnt want to go anywhere. I didnt want to remember anything anymore. I wanted to push it all away. I attempted to deny it all, as I had when I was a kid. But nothing was the same. Nothing and no one could be trusted. I wondered who I really was. I didnt know if I could go on. Life didnt seem worth living anymore.

Shame keeps women like Melanie silent. They are ashamed of the unspeakable evils that have been done to them or what theyve done to themselves. Fearful of being known, of being judged and labeled, many women are bowed down under the weight of the shame they carry. Abuse, rape, incest, abandonment, divorce, pornography, abortions, chronic illness, infertility, or violence has defined them. And an untold number hide their stories and the shame and stigma that go with them.

Often the Christian community pretends that such things dont exist. In an effort to protect ourselves, we are silent and turn away from hurting women, distancing ourselves from their reality. Its hard to accept these facts:

1 in 3 women are sexually abused before age 18.

1 in 4 women are raped.

80 percent of women who work experience sexual harassment.

50 percent of marriages end in divorce.

1 in 4 marriages experience domestic violence.

21 million women have suffered emotional abuse.

1/3 of all females in relationships have experienced emotional abuse.

The Role of the Christian Community

As the body of Christ, we are called to minister to the broken and hurting, not to ignore them, shut them up, and tell them to get over it and move on. Too often gossip and judgment within the church keep women from getting the help they so desperately need.

Do you see the woman over there? the church whispers. Shes the one who was raped... whose husband beats her... whose father had sex with her... whose husband left her. Poor thing! This attitude does nothing to help and only adds to the pain and brokenness a woman has already experienced.

We label women by their circumstances not their heart. A for abuse, addiction, abortion, abandonment, adultery. D for depressed, domestic abuse, drugs. I for incest, immorality, infertility, insignificance. R for raped, ruined, rejected. S for stupid, silly, slut.

We condemn women. We push them away. We shame them. When a woman is defined by one word, reduced to that one shameful thing about her, it doesnt matter what she accomplishes or what other people might think about her. Beauty, brains, admiration, success, and respect do not touch that place of hurt. It is always there defining, shaming, frightening, and holding her in bondage to her past.

When the church adds to a womans pain through an accusing, indifferent, or unloving attitude, we are in direct opposition to the gospel of Jesus Christ. In Isaiah 61 Jesus proclaims His mission on earth, and it should be our heartbeat if we are caregivers:

... to preach good news to the poor... to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives... to comfort all who mourn... to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

verses 13

You and I cannot change women. As counselors, we cannot transform their minds and we cannot heal their brokenness. But we know One who can. And God gives us the privilege and responsibility of embracing women in their pain, weeping with them, listening to them, and ultimately, leading them to Jesus, who knows each of them intimately and longs to make them whole.