Zoë Crook - Self-Love in Action: Practical Ways to Bring Self-Compassion into Work, Relationships & Everyday Life

Zo Crook, MA, is a therapist and writer. She received her masters degree in counseling psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara, California. Zo began her career working in underserved communities with adults and teens struggling with grief, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and trauma. She currently works in her private practice with individuals and couples who are facing relationship anxiety, attachment trauma, and low self-worth.

love notes

(copy these out to hang on your mirror or around your home, draw or write your own words around them, or simply return to them on rough days)

Self-love is not selfish.

If you have to beg for it, its not meant for you.

Self-love is the result of accepting yourself as you are, not as you hope to be.

We show up differently when we are loved properly.

What we judge in others is a mirror of what we judge in ourselves.

If you want to cultivate self-love, you cannot bypass your wounds.

Forgive yourself for the choices you needed to make to survive.

Chaos does not mean connection. Lust does not mean love. Attention does not mean commitment.

Love is not about finding the right person. Its about becoming the right person.

The hardest part of the healing journey is recognizing that the people who hurt you cant come along for the ride.

Sometimes, bad things have to end so good things can begin.

I will not be silent so that others can be comfortable. Repeat: I will not be silent so that others can be comfortable.

There is no greater victory against those who have betrayed you than to open yourself fully to the experience of love with someone new.

Sometimes, the fear wont go away; youll have to do it afraid.

Your self-worth must be stronger than someone elses rejection.

Having needs does not make you needy.

There are two choices: evolve or repeat.

Which do you want: the pain of staying where you are or the pain of growth?

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Chapter 1

the true meaning of self-love

We all have an inner voice. On good days, it may sound like a spiritual advisor. On bad days, the voice can sound like Nurse Ratched. The former voice, the one that has your back, is a manifestation of self-love. The goal of self-love is to make that voice so loud that it drowns out the voice that hurts you. And that takes chutzpah.

The road to self-love is an arduous one. You might be up against overly critical family members, toxic bosses, or invalidating partners. And lets not forget the billion-dollar beauty industry that profits off your insecurities, convincing you to buy this and plump that. The fight for self-love is arduous, frightening, and uncertainbut most of all, its worth it.

The Origins of Self-Love

The term self-love existed well before its prolific debut on TikTokin fact, two thousand years before. For centuries, philosophers and psychologists have debated the subject of self-love, but it wasnt until the civil rights movement that it began to lose its negative connotation in the mainstream.

The Black Is Beautiful movement emerged in the 1960s as a declaration of empowerment, pride, and self-love. Black feminists like Toni Morrison, bell hooks, and Maya Angelou deepened and propagated the message to honor ones past and present. In Morrisons 1987 masterpiece, Beloved, she poetically guides us through a self-love ritual to celebrate our bodies. She writes: Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them. Touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face.

Hippies and beatniks also challenged harmful status quo standards, offering alternative belief systems in the name of self-love. They were heirs to nonconformists like William Blake, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Oscar Wilde, who famously said, To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

But self-love isnt about vanity, indulgence, or an allegiance to counterculture. At its core, self-love is a commitment to ones own needs and well-being. Its a public outcry against social injustice. In summer 2013, the Black Lives Matter movement was born, starting with a love letter in response to the murder of seventeen-year-old Trayvon Martin. Love Letter to Black Folks was published on Facebook by a creator of the Black Lives Matter hashtag, Alicia Garza. She wrote: We need to love ourselves and fight for a world where black lives matter. Black people, I love you. I love us.

Self-love, in its most basic form, is necessary for survival. Particularly for those facing depression, anxiety, low self-worth, multigenerational trauma, heartbreak, or loss, self-love is essential for physical, psychological, and spiritual reparation.

Self-Love Is for Everyone

Life presents a steady barrage of challenges, from global unrest to family drama. No matter what youre up against, self-love makes life a little less daunting. Loving yourself is like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Its the feeling that even when things arent okay, you know you will be okay.

But while self-love is a strong weapon against discrimination and abuse, no amount of self-love can completely eradicate the mistreatment that victims and oppressed people experience on a cultural and systemic level. Self-love can serve as a protective layer against external circumstances, but it is not a cure for misfortune, mistreatment, structural inequality, and so on.

The process of loving oneself is a subjective, unique, and personal experience. What self-love looks like one day might look totally different the next. Speaking out against sexism in the workplace can be just as loving as taking a bath to calm your nervous system. Sometimes self-love is wrapped up in the minutiae of daily life and looks more like sitting down with a calculator and a checkbook to pay your bills.

The secret is getting to know yourself in a deeper way so you can identify what you need in the moment. If you grew up in an environment where your needs were not recognized, taking care of yourself might feel counterintuitive. When my clients have a hard time putting their needs first, I remind them that the most loving thing they can do for others is to practice self-love. Its the key ingredient to being a reliable and supportive resource for others. When you have a high regard for your well-being, you tend to do the right thing for everyone, like telling Judy at the PTA meeting that no, you cannot make gluten-free cupcakes next week because you have other responsibilities. A moment of discomfort, sure, but everyone wins in the end.