Cynthia James - I Choose Me

YOUR HOME LIFE

This section focuses on your personal life. It includes self-care, creating conscious intimate relations and becoming a powerful parent. It is said that home is where the heart is. Use this information to nurture your heart and your connection with yourself and others.

CHAPTER ONE

Establishing Health and Intimacy in Relationships

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Relationships have been a path of discovery for me. It took me many years to create a loving marriage and partnership, and that only happened after years of frustration, betrayal and abandonment. Let me be clear: I have dated, married and had momentary encounters with the same man in a different body numerous times. What I mean by that is that they have all had the same challenges in life, and they all mirrored the parental figures from my childhood. They had addictive personalities and were often abusive and unkind. I gave my power away each time, hoping that I could get the love that I did not get as a child. If there was one dysfunctional man in the room, I was drawn to him like a magnet. Today, I understand that they were all here for my healing but, during those difficult years, I couldnt see beyond the pain that was occurring in those relationships.

I once went to a psychic, hoping to get some support. She said, Why are you here? I told her I wanted to find my soul mate and get married. She smiled and said, No you dont. If you wanted that, you would already have it. She then looked me in the eyes and said, The image I see with you is that you are on a path with a big boulder in front of you. You are struggling to get over the boulder, and it never dawns on you that you can just walk around it to continue on the path. I didnt totally get it at the time but, today, I can see that the moment I stopped searching, my beloved husband appeared.

I often support couples in my practice, and they almost always come in to fix something they perceive as wrong in the relationship. Here is what I love to say to them: What if there is nothing wrong with your relationship? What if you are here to recognize and reveal your own defenses, insecurities and need to control? What if those discoveries are a portal to true intimacy and connection?

They often look at me with confusion in their eyes. How can there be nothing wrong? Why else would we be here? That is the $100,000,000 question. The answer, actually, lives in the question.

Every relationship is nothing but a mirror: they all tell you how successful you are at being with yourself. It doesnt matter if it is in your biological familial dynamics, business environment or relationships with children or friends. It all comes down to you being willing to take a deep, hard look at yourself.

Here is the truth: we all want to be seen, heard, understood and loved. Where we get confused is that this level of connection is an inside job. If you want to be honored, honor yourself. If you want to be in integrity-filled relationships, be in integrity with yourself. You will never be happy with anyone else, on any level, if you are not happy with yourself.

The soul mate you are seeking is you

I believe we are all here to discover the deep essence of loving that lives within us. We get fooled into thinking that some magical, mystical person is going to show up and bring happiness into our lives. We search and we search. We kiss a lot of frogs, hoping they will turn into a prince or princess. When that doesnt work, we find ourselves spiraling down into a never-ending pit of self-pity, self-doubt, self-condemnation and judgment of ourselves and of others.

Being human is fascinating. It has so many of us looking for love anywhere and everywhere. Sometimes, that looking creates non-supportive relationships. We know intellectually that we need to love ourselves first, but we are convinced, internally, that if we get it from the outside, life will be good. The interesting thing about that belief is that all people have character flaws and moments of being unconscious. When we put all of our dreams of love and validation into the hands of another person, we are frequently disappointed. It can look like betrayal, inconsiderate behavior, and lack of interest or emotional misconduct. We take these actions on as wounds, and begin to create beliefs about our unworthiness or inability to attract love.

Here is what I would like you to think about: are you treating yourself the way you want to be treated? Are you honoring and respecting yourself, and asking others to do the same? Are you caring for the temple that is your body? Are you presenting your best self every time you leave your house? Are you being the love that you desire? What would your life be like if you loved yourself so deeply that the world had no choice but to love you back?

Tina Turner sang the successful song, Whats Love Got to Do with It? Basically, she was saying: why have a heart and open it when a heart can be broken? In a way, I understand that feeling. A lot of us have had our hearts broken more than once, but here is the thing: you are not broken. You are lovable because you exist. I do not believe that someone has to deliver you flowers, candy or a card to validate your amazing beauty and life. You have within you gifts that cannot be measured. You are unique, creative, powerful, talented and loving. I say, Begin by loving yourself. It is time to make you the number one priority. Nurture yourself. Be kind to yourself. Trust yourself. Respect yourself. Use meditation as a tool to reconnect to your spirit. A consistent spiritual practice will bring you to a remembrance that you have always been loved and important.

I believe that:

Love is all around us.

Love is the essence of the Spirit.

Every act of loving kindness is a reflection of the infinite Love that is available.

Love flows from within and is not something that you get.

Open to loving yourself and witness how important you are in this world.

Whats love got to do with it? EVERYTHING! Love is who you are.

Conscious coupling takes practice

I have been with my husband for 22 years. We have been married for almost 18 of those years. Before this relationship, I was unable to be in a sustainable partnership. It finally dawned on me that I was the common denominator in all of my failed connections and, if I was going to have a lasting relationship, I had to do some work on me. I did just that, and Carl appeared in my life. That is the good news. The interesting news is that we both discovered that our work was just beginning. Neither of us had a model for healthy relationships. We both had gone through painful divorces and challenges in partnering. So, the question became, How can we do this differently?

The fantasy person inside of me wanted the love to be enough. I knew better, since that had not proven to be true in the past. There is a powerful soul recognition with my husband, and we share many common interests. He is a man dedicated to spiritual growth, and that was important to me. He comes from a Jewish heritage and a deeply intellectual family. They are very devoted to one another, and that was a big plus for me. My African American roots were fiery and emotion-based. The differences in our backgrounds proved to be fertile soil for healing, loving and growth.

We are both independent souls, and that supported our commitment to self -expression. I was clear that I did not want to give my power away and become a reflection of his great desires. I had done that many times, and it did not work. The question became, how do I stand in my personal power and be a loving, giving wife? Asking that question proved to be the foundation for the practice of conscious loving.

At first, the fact that I wanted to fight for my voice in the relationship only caused more fighting. Then, I pulled back my voice to create peace. That caused internal resentment and anger. Finally, I decided to commit to speaking my truth, asking for what I needed and expecting that my husband loved me enough to hear me. Wow! What a journey. I had never been that vulnerable, and it was scary. I cannot say it has been easy, but that consistent practice of being present has been a powerful and deep expansion of soul commitment in my marriage.