John Robert McFarland - Now That I Have Cancer, I Am Whole: Reflections on Life and Healing for Cancer Patients and Those Who Love Them

Now That I Have Cancer, I Am Whole copyright 2007 by John Robert McFarland. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal Company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

Part I originally published in 1993 under the same title.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

www.andrewsmcmeel.com

McFarland, John Robert

Now that I have cancer, I am whole : reflections on life and healing for cancer patients and those who love them / John Robert McFarland

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p. 297).

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-8715-7

APPR

1. McFarland, John Robert. 2. CancerPatientsReligious life. 3. CancerPatientsBiography. 4. CancerReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

BV4910.33.M34 2007
242.4dc22

2006052608

Cover design by Aimee Eckhardt

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THIS IS FOR MY WIFE, HELEN KARR McFARLAND,

AND FOR OUR DAUGHTERS,

MARY BETH AND KATHLEEN ANNE.

WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD NOT BE ALIVE.

WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN ALIVE.

AND FOR OUR GRANDDAUGHTER,

BRIGID MARY,

MY MENTOR IN ALL THINGS BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL,

and FOR OUR GRANDSON,

JOSEPH PATRICK,

MY HERO.

PART I:
WHEN YOURE THE PATIENT

PART II:
WHEN YOURE THOSE WHO LOVE THEM

I want to thank all the good folks at the Carle Cancer Center in Urbana, Illinois, who worked to get me well, especially my oncologist, Alan Hatfield, and all my nurses, the pharmacists, the social workers, and the front desk personnel. Becky, Evelyn, Sarah, Olivia, Barry, Toni, Judy, Linda, Joni, Laura, Melissa, Nancy, Ron, Joan, Jill, Sharon, Pam, Debbi, I hope you know how important you are to those of us who love you so much but never want to see you again!

Special thanks go to all the members of the Carle Cancer Center support group, especially our social worker and friend, Jeanette Pritschet. I was supported by them, and I learned so much from them.

I also learned from my classmates in Empowering the Cancer Patient at Iliff Seminary in Denver. John Anduri, the late Paul K. Hamilton, M.D., and Lynn Ringer, the leaders of that group, have made wholeness in the midst of cancer possible not only for Helen and me but for thousands of other cancer patients. Their story is told in Im a Patient, Too, by Albert Hill.

Paul and Lynn founded CanSurmount. In introducing me at CanSurmounts twentieth anniversary celebration in Denver, Paul did me the honor of calling Now That I Have Cancer, I Am Whole the best book by a cancer patient, for cancer patients, ever.

Fellow patients Jean Cramer-Heuerman, Nancy Nichols, and Kim Wagler Ziner read some of these meditations while the thoughts were still in the hatching stage, and I thank them for their kindness.

Kim Wagler was my first cancer nurse. Hardly a year had gone by after she initiated me into the mysteries of chemotherapy and how to deal with it than she became a cancer patient, too. She is precious to me not only as my nurse but as a fellow traveler in the cancer journey.

Helen says I must have some sort of record for a cancer patient who performs weddings for his nurses, having done so for both Kim and Becky Elliott. Becky usually wore a white uniform dress in the chemo room. Because she always made me throw up (see the meditation I get sick when I see Becky, page 64), when she asked me to officiate at her wedding, I said, Dont wear a white dress! She said her pearls would protect her. After the wedding, she thanked me for not throwing up on her, and I thanked her for keeping me alive, and we had a good time crying on each other.

Rose Mary Shepherd and Rachael Grace Richardson have been guides and models in the cancer walk. Sharon Butts has walked it with me, even though shes never had it. Thank you.

I have been formed by a large, extended family of Ponds and McFarlands. They gave me a sense of belonging. Most important in that sense of belonging, of course, were my parents, John Francis and Mildred Elizabeth, my sisters, Mary Virginia and Margaret Ann, and my brother, James Francis. And no one in the family will ever forget the remarkable Henrietta Ann, Grandma Mac.

Grandparenting looked like so much fun that early in our marriage, Helen and I contemplated adopting grown-up children so we could go directly to grandchildren. Were glad we didnt, but were also glad we finally got to the stage of Biddey and Joey.

I have been supported through my cancer journey by more people in more churches than I can possibly name. Especially important to me are those of the Forsythe United Methodist Church (UMC), near Oakland City, Indiana, and those of the Arcola, Illinois, UMC. The good folks at Forsythe accepted me and loved me as a child and teenager. The family of the Arcola UMC kept me going through the difficult days of recovery from surgery and chemotherapy. Moreover, they let me minister to them by getting well in front of them. For that, Ill be forever grateful.

When Joseph was diagnosed with hepatoblastoma when he was only fifteen months old, he spent the next year alternating between Childrens Hospital at University Hospital in Iowa City, Iowa, and Mercy Medical CenterNorth Iowa in Mason City. We thank the doctors and nurses at both hospitals. Chief among them were Dr. Sue ODorisio, Joeys personal oncologist, and doctors Jorge Di Paola, Fred Goldman, Thomas Loew, Anthony Sandler, Raymond Tannous, and Rajeev Vibakhar and their assistants, Jane Caswell, Steve Rummelhart, and Mary Schlapkohl. The nurses fought (in a polite way, of course) for the chance to have charge of Joey. Nicole Alcorn usually won. But we could not have made it without the competence and grace of Amy, Beth, Dan, Dom, Gail, Jill, Laurie, Mary Lou, Richard, Rose, and Tom. The Child Life folks (Brenda, Gwen, Jenny, Joie, Kathy, and Robin) provided distraction for Joey and the other children, and relief for the parents, with music and play. Ed Zastrow, Kelly Lamb, and Robyn Welk provided hospitality at the Ronald McDonald House. Im sure Ive omitted many others, but its absence of memory, not lack of appreciation. Thanks to all who got us through the time when the worst thing possible happened.

Everyone should have friends like George and Ida Belle Paterson. They were parents and grandparents in residence in Iowa City when Helen and I could not be there and gracious hosts to us when we could be.

We thank our friends at Wesley UMC in Mason City for keeping us going while Joey was in the hospital and Brigid lived so much of the time at our house. Bill and Judy Poland, Joyce Hopp, and so many others at Wesley were the neighbors and friends you dream of having all the time.

Our older daughter, Mary Beth, appears in these pages as a cancer survivor herself. While I recovered from rotator cuff surgery, she took over preparing the manuscript in her usual pleasant and efficient manner. Thanks, Bethey.