Rick Mckinley - Jesus in the Margins: Finding God in the Places We Ignore

JESUS IN THE MARGINS

published by Multnomah Books

2005 by Rick McKinley

Scripture quotations are from:
The Holy Bible, New International Version 1973, 1984
by International Bible Society,
used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of The Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

M ULTNOMAH and its mountain colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

McKinley, Rick.
Jesus in the margins / Rick McKinley.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-56359-0
1. Christian life. 2. Marginality, SocialReligious aspects Christianity. I. Title.
BV4509.5.M347 2005
248.4dc22

2004022661

v3.1_r1

This book is dedicated to two great friends who made a huge difference in my life. Both went to heaven during the writing of this book. They were only in their fifties, but their impact on others was more than most would make in several lifetimes.

To Diane Lindstrom, a mentor, friend, and spiritual mom to so many. Your faith lives on in the lives of those you embraced. Thanks for showing me what courageous faith looks like and for loving me like Jesus.

To Scott Mitchell, thanks for calling me out of the margins and for being there for the good, the bad, and the ugly of my soul. Your strong compassion and love for Jesus overflowed to more people than you will ever know. I miss you both, but I look forward to catching up over a glass of new wine.

Margins are those clear spaces along the edge of this page that keep the words from spilling off. Every book has them. You might jot notes in the margins, but for the most part they go unnoticed. They dont represent the book, and they dont define its message. Theyre simply there.

Societyour world, our culturehas margins just like this page does. Theyre places occupied by people who go unnoticed, misfits who seldom figure in when the mainline world defines and esteems itself. But theyre there.

The margins are where I find people like me.

So many times it seems the rest of the world has gone ahead of me. Theyve created a mainstream life that mostly flows onward without me. Whether in church or in business or in relationships, there are times when I simply feel the rest of the world is out on the field playing, but its a game I cant relate to. A game Im not good at. A game I couldnt win.

So I stay in the margins. Its a place of security. Its where I find comfort.

Ive felt many times that Im not very good at being a Christ-follower. There are issues, I guess, that make me feel isolated. For me, being loved is an awkward deal. I dont like having people care for me. I know that sounds weird because deep down we all want that. When someone does reach out to me, though, I tend to want to run. Some people would call it a fear of intimacy. Perhaps thats a good descriptive term, but it doesnt fix anything.

Theres an illusion of safety in isolation. I wont be known there. If Im not known, I cant be rejected. Thats the unspoken mantra Ive spent so many years abiding by. So I go to the margins. Theres a kind of agreement there, an unwritten rule that everyone abides by: You get to be left alone. And even though theres this muffled scream coming from inside my heart, yelling out to people: Im dying in here!

I find comfort in the fact that no one can hear that scream.

God? Well, he doesnt put up with my fear of intimacy too well. He invades my heart and screams back that hes here with me. It hasnt always been that way; in fact, most of my life, its been just the opposite. Yeah, God keeps hounding me with his love and invitations.

The challenge thats always in front of me is to let him in.

Im not alone here. The margins are crowded with people poured from the same mold. In many ways we share the same background, the same hurts, the same joys and hopes. So we share this same spacethe margins.

Here are some postcards from their journeys

Tiffany Age 31

I dont usually tell anybody these kinds of things. I dont like being vulnerable. Im seeing a counselor right now. I guess thats no big deal; so many people see counselors. It just makes me feel like Im not normal, you know? Like something is wrong with me.

When I was nine years old, I was molested by a family member. At the time I really didnt understand what was happening, but I knew it wasnt normal. I was too scared to tell anyone, and because he was a family member, I felt that somehow my mom and dad allowed it to happen. Looking back, I can see that wasnt true, but at the time I didnt know any better.

The abuse continued until I was twelve and I told my mom what was happening. She cried so loud and for so long. I realized then the gravity of what had happened to me. The family member was confronted by my dad, and Ive never seen him since, but we werent a family that really dealt with problems thoroughly.

I was so relieved it was finally over that I just sort of tucked the whole thing into the back of my head and tried to forget it ever happened. Now that Im older I realize I cant do that. Ive never been able to scrub the sick feeling off my soul that was put there through the abuse. So I just go through life feeling that if anyone ever knew who I was on the inside, they would simply reject me. Thats a crappy way to go through life, I know, but I dont know how else to feel.

I hate men. Thats maybe a little strong. But every relationship Ive ever had has been shallow because of it. I cant give myself to them, not emotionally anyway. I can have a sexual relationship but thats about as far as it goes. For some reason, trusting men with my body isnt a big deal; I just cant trust them with my heart.

I dont want to be single forever, but I dont seem to be able to get past it. I think it may all stem from the fact that I hate myself. I know that sounds harsh, but Ive thought about it. I just dont like me. I have friends, but theres still a sense that I havent really let them know me and my whole story. You have to have some pretty thick skin on your heart to live in my soap opera.

God? Well, Im kind of angry with God. Why did he let it happen to me? He couldnt really love me. Thats what I think. And I dont think God has much to say of any real significance.